her young heart

but you see that's the THING

it's hard for me to anymore

it's like

i just

i can't?

because fo the case being forced upon me that like 'oh it's not okay to not care and be done you have to keep fighting because that's what's RIGHT and GOOD and THAT'S WHAT U SHOULD BE DOING'

i don't like this lockie

i don't like this at all

why are you in kentucky

i need you here

like

right now

before i start crying

oh shit okay too late for that but whatever

i love you i love you i love you i just want everything to go away can i just hug you forever that would be nice

the world is terrible and people are terrible and alsdkjf ;alkejs; alkjs;alksjf

whyyyyy

i just want to sink to the bottom of the ocean ugh why can i not breathe underwater

i cannot tell anymore who is being actually right and who is being stupid and who is over-exaggerating to the point where they pretty much are wrong and what is fallacious and what's a strawman what is not and ugh god help me

see the thing is

i just want my life to be good and happy for me

and i do that by making other people happy

but it gets to a point where it seems

SO!!!

ABSOLUTELY!!!

PERTINENT!!!

TO!!!

OUR!!!

WORTH!!!

AS!!!

PEOPLE!!!

TO!!!

STOP!!!

INJUSTICES!!!

but guess what

IT'S NOT

IT

IS

NOOOOOOOOOOOT

at least i don't think so

and i want to do that but it's really distressing to me because it's nothing but a reminder of how godawful the world actually is

and it's stressful and makes me wanna curl up and sleep until the apocalypse

here's the thing

social justice fascinates me

and i want to go into anthropology and all

but the big problem i have with it is that they have established this troubling (at least to me) framework of 'okay the world sucks but YOU SUCK TOO IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT'

that is at least the experience i have had with it

i choose to accept that people have done problematic things

i mean

florence has done some pretty nasty shit

and so has marina (albeit quite a bit less)

and so has lana

and dita

and taylor swift who my best friend adores (i don't necessarily love or support her as much as she does but that is a difference between us and i accept that and we are still the best of friends ever and ever adn ever! *healthy friendship dynamics yay*)

and a bunch of other people i happen to enjoy the work of

but there is a *difference!!!!!!* between being upset with someone for doing something ignorant and explicitly hating them

but the experiences i've had (the bad ones at least) are very much 'okay here are the grounds for you to hate them so maybe you should yeah that sounds good!!!!'

nope

i'm not subscribing to that because it makes me upset and stressed and it is not good for ME

there is this constant and very good, i happen to think, perpetuation of the "take care of yourself as best you can" and i, unfortunately, will have to resort to taking care of myself through not actively trying to change the world as much as i'd like to

look

im young

i've got time

but y'know what beign an old soul does to you

IT TENDS TO PUT SELF-INDUCED PRESSURE ON YOU TO DO STUFF YOU PROBABLY AREN'T READY TO DO BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE READY UGH GODDAMMIT

asdfadsf

the world is a stressful place

and the thing that makes me most upset

is that the people who are trying their best to change it and make it better and raise awareness (thank you btw you're doing the best you can)

are

actually making it more stressful for some people

IT IS A TWO ENDED SPECTRUM

OVERZEALOUS PEOPLE WHO HAVE *GOOD* INTENTIONS

CAN BE JUST AS BAD AS OVERZEALOUS PEOPLE WHO HAVE * BAD* INTENTIONS

THEY CAN CAUSE THE SAME AMOUNT OF HARM

ALBEIT IN DIFFERENT WAYS

as;kdfj a;sldkja;oi4u awelkdsfj;aslkdfja;sdfkljasdf

this is my life these are my choices

this is how i have decided to spend the summer before high school

good idea clare

reeeeeeeal smart move there

have fun being overly suspicious and super super critical of the world you live in

it is going to be much harder for me to enjoy life

why