EMOTIONALLY HERS — i . sae
you always knew how sae dealt with every argument you both had, it was just that you just never knew who she was.
if sae had cheated physically, maybe you would’ve known what to do, maybe you could’ve hated him properly and moved on like everyone else seemed to.
instead, you were stuck with something harder to explain. something that sounded ridiculous every time you tried putting it into words.
because technically, sae hadn’t done anything. keyword, technically.
you found out by accident.
you weren’t suspicious, not looking for proof to go against your boyfriend.
it was random, like most things in the world. you were only sitting next to him on the couch on a lazy afternoon where both of you had nothing to do.
when a notification appeared from his phone. it was a girl’s name. nothing strange about that, except the preview underneath.
sae reached for his phone immediately. the motion was quick enough for you to notice, slow enough for you to wonder why.
“who was that?” you question, a little hesitant cause you weren’t entirely sure if you wanted to know.
he glanced at the screen, “nobody.”
you hated that answer. so you continued, hoping to hear a better answer, “then why are you texting her?”
“because she’s a friend.”
the conversation only ended there.
or at least, it should’ve. but instead, it stayed in your head. like some forbidden knowledge you can’t seem to forget.
you start noticing things.
whenever you and sae argued, he’d disappear afterward. he doesn’t leave, but rather, emotionally away from you.
you’d send a message and get a dry response, you’d ask if he wanted to talk and he’d say later. then later never came. and eventually, you’d make up. and things would return back to normal.
yet somehow, it always felt like sae had already processed everything before coming back to you.
like he’d had the conversation somewhere else first.
“do you tell her about us?” sae looked up, to you. the pause lasted a second too long. that was all the answer you needed. “…so you do.”
“it’s not a big deal.” he mutters, trying not to make it look bigger than it already is.
“to what?” sae stayed quiet, which made everything hurt more.
the arguments, the misunderstandings, the things that happened between you and him, things that were supposed to stay between you and him. all of it. given away so easily.
you didn’t sleep that night. for the first time since dating sae, you wondered if there were parts of him that belonged to somebody else.
after that, every argument felt different.
you’d be talking to him while wondering if she already knew.
if he’d tell her afterward, maybe she’d hear his side before you ever got the chance to fix things.
sometimes, you’d catch him texting late at night.
sometimes, he’d smile at a notification.
sometimes, he’d disappear for an hour after a fight.
every single time, your chest tightened. you never asked for her name, you didn’t want to know her real name.
a name would’ve made her real and you were trying desperately not to imagine her.
was she prettier than you?
did she agree with him when you fought?
did she tell him he deserved better?
sae never understood, he genuinely didn’t. every time you brought it up, he looked annoyed. like you were creating a problem that didn’t exist.
“then what’s the issue?” you didn’t know if you wanted to scream, cry, or laugh. but instead, you stared at him. in disbelief that he’d see this as an issue.
“because every time something happens between us, you run to somebody else.”
sae frowned. “that’s not what i’m doing.”
“but that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
the final warning came months later, after another argument.
you were tired, so tired.
“if you do it again, we’re done.”
the words sat heavily between you.
sae looked genuinely surprised, like he couldn’t believe you’d gone that far.
“i’m not.” you mutter before continuing, “this is why it’s a problem. i’m not overreacting.”
for a brief moment, you thought maybe he’d finally understand. maybe he’d stop and understand that losing you would matter more than talking to her.
you were wrong. so stupidly wrong.
you had another dumb fight, over something incredibly small. he disappeared like usual, came back hours later.
somehow, you already knew. confirmation even came without you even looking for it.
he’d gone to her again, just like always, just like every other time.
suddenly everything made sense.
all those moments where you felt alone despite being in a relationship. you’d never been imagining it. sae really had been choosing someone else.
maybe not romantically, maybe not intentionally, but he chose her anyway. every single time.
the breakup lasted less than ten minutes. sae thought you’d calm down, you could tell. he kept looking at you like this was another argument, another thing the two of you would move past.
until he realized you were serious. you were actually leaving.
for the first time in this relationship, he looked uncertain. maybe that’s because he couldn’t message that girl for advice. ask what to do, or vent out his feelings about breaking up.
“you’re breaking up with me over this?”
you stared at him, ”no.” your voice cracked. “i’m breaking up with you because i got tired of being the last person you come to.”
then everything ended just like that.
it was short yet everything happened in a flash. sometimes it made you wonder if you did the right thing.
you missed him, you hated that you missed him. you hated that a part of you still wanted him to come back and tell you he finally understood. he never did.
months later, a mutual friend mentioned seeing sae.
you listened quietly until they mentioned her.
the same girl, still around, still talking to him, still receiving pieces of him that used to belong to you.
you smiled and pretended it didn’t bother you, then cried the second you got home. because that hurt more than the breakup itself. it wasn’t that sae moved on, or that he chose her. but because even after losing you, he still ran to the same person.
which meant it was never about saving the relationship, never about needing advice or fixing things. it was simply what he wanted.
you spent years trying to become sae itoshi’s safe place.
only to realize he already had one, and it was never you.
