STELLA HALE

      he'd never LOOKED at her like that, much less spoken to her the way he did now, as though she meant NOTHING to him. it wasn't like stella could complain.  .  . not after what she'd done FIRST. still, his words BITE hard at her chest, even if she knew she DESERVED it all. ' ALENIA. ' she wished she hadn't known──── russet stared back at her baby blue eyes.  stella felt her heart SINKING deep into her stomach, her eyes BURNING with tears she didn't want him to see; she envied the INTENSITY of his love for such a small human, hated every ounce of her that had THROWN that away for meaningless nights of pleasure with MEANINGLESS people. but she couldn't say it now, could she? not like this.

      and yet some shred of bravery tingled through her veins, eyes WIDE as she steps towards him, almost REACHING out to grasp at his arm. ' i DID love you, i.  .  . ' still did? ' i'll stay with her. i'll keep her SAFE while you're gone. ' not because she WANTED to or even thought she'd be CAPABLE of it, but because she owed him that much; she had something to prove.  with slightly shaky hands, she outstretched her arms towards the baby in his arms, ALENIA. nausea circled in her stomach as she LIFTED her into her own arms, her weight shifting against stella's chest──── she almost flinched at the way her cheek rested atop her SHOULDER. ' do you. . . want to STAY a while? ' she held the plea in her EYES.

      ' FOR HER. ' stella rocked alenia from side to side carefully, unsure of how she HELD her. ' how DANGEROUS is this war? is it bad? ' bad enough that he would leave the new love of his life, she knew──── but did he think something would happen to him? ' .  .  .will you be OKAY? ' maybe it was out of FEAR but stella reached for him, fingers grazing his arm.  as though TOUCHING him had awakened every sense in her, stella was suddenly immersed in everything that was max kowalski; the smell of SMOKE AND RAINFALL──── the taste of his lips on hers: the faint undertones of COCOA and nicotine. as if by INSTINCT, she grasped tighter onto his arm, the light SNORING from alenia tickling her EAR.

      ' i know you HATE me. i know you think i'm detestable. ' and by the way he described alenia, she almost wanted to AGREE with him. ' . . .i know i did horrible things. i KNOW that. ' she still remembered being in that hospital bed, still remembered him walking in, the ICE COLD feeling in her blood as she heard the piercing cries of a BABY. she hadn't looked at her then. amidst all the chaos and the PAIN, stella had missed the nurses carrying her bundle out the door. she wondered, briefly, if she’d seen them, if she’d CALLED OUT to them, would she have stayed? would alenia be less of a STRANGER to her now and more like a DAUGHTER? the weight of it all still PRESSED hard against her chest.

✲    ' BUT I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU, MAXIE. I STILL LOVE YOU. '    ✲

there was only wailing. she could hardly hear the blender as it whirled to life─────── could hardly hear her own thoughts. alenia cried endlessly into the night despite stella’s many efforts.

everything from rocking her, singing to her, changing her─────── she’d even begged her to cease that mind numbing shrieking that rattled through her very veins. her last resort was to feed her.

‘ PLEASE, DON’T CRY, HE’LL BE BACK SOON. ’ but what did stella know? she knew nothing. nothing about where he’d gone, when he’d be back, or if he’d come back─────── absolutely nothing.

all she did was thrash and fight as stella fitted her arms around her, as though she was rejecting the very existence of her. she couldn’t blame her; stella would have done the same.

and suddenly, as russet glazes over all the features that mirrored her own, stella found herself smiling, humming a soft, melodic tune her mother used to sing to her every night.