This post is not pointed at anyone, but I do see this sort of thing a lot, and maybe I'm just a contrarian but it always kind of irks me:
"If your partner does not want you doing [thing], then BREAK UP WITH THEM. Your comfort is worth more than THEIR preference!"
Okay well, healthy relationships are based not just on trust and affection, but also honesty and compromise.
Here, "trust and honesty" will mean "I trust that if I am honest with you about something regarding how we interact with each other, your immediate reaction will not be to throw me out and burn all my stuff." Just as you want to be able to talk with your partner about what makes you comfortable and what you find sexy, you want them to be able to do the same with you. It doesn't mean that both of you are obligated to bend to each other's whims. There are definitely certain things that would take priority over others, but also a lot of stuff you can work with together.
Example:
Judy HATES having long, painted nails. They're annoying to maintain, putting on nail polish with her left hand is impossible, and then she'll wash a cup or something and find that she's accidentally ruined them. She's decided no more long nails.
Harry LOVES seeing long nails on women. It's not just aesthetically pleasing, but also a huge turn-on for him. He loves hearing a woman tap her nails against a wine glass, loves how elegant and graceful her hands look with them, and oh boy, being tickled and scratched with those things. Hell yeah.
But Harry doesn't have to wear or deal with or maintain the nails, Judy does. It would be something she "puts up with" solely for *his* pleasure. What a selfish asshole! Or...
Harry tells Judy, honestly, about how much he loves it when she has long, painted nails. Judy tells Harry, honestly, about what a pain they are to have. But Harry is Judy's partner, and she loves him and wants him to have things that make him happy. Judy is Harry's partner, and Harry doesn't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.
Judy says, maybe for special occasions, since keeping them up long term sucks. Harry asks why it sucks so much, and Judy goes over all of it-- maintenance, chipping, repainting, etc. Harry offers to help make having the nails less of a pain by paying and/or clearing some time for Judy to go to the nail salon once a week. He offers to do some of the things that he knows would wreck the nail polish, like scrubbing pots and pans.
Judy likes the sound of that, but doesn't want to keep her nails *too* long because it makes it hard to do other stuff that Harry can't help with (like typing or opening small items). Harry *would* prefer longer, but he agrees with this.
They negotiate other things too, like what colors either of them prefer for her to wear (Harry likes red obviously, but Judy wants a more neutral color for work, so they agree to save red for birthdays and christmas parties). Harry is very excited! But he also tells Judy that if the nails prove to be too much, it's okay to stop wearing them. He loves her and loves spending time with her either way. Judy loves Harry too, and agrees to give the nail deal a try, because she likes when he's excited.
Again, there are a LOT of situations where someone's comfort has to come before anything else. Sensory issues, triggers, serious time or money sinks. If your partner wants you to shave off your thick mustache, it can be kind of a big deal since not everyone can grow one back in just one or two weeks. Your partner might really want you to dye your hair red, but will have to back off if you're not comfortable using harsh chemicals on your hair.
That's honesty and trust. "I like it when you do this, can you do that more often?" "That makes me very uncomfortable, I don't want to." "That's a little disappointing, but your comfort is worth more to me than this."
What if he shaves your legs *for* you? What if she buys the trimmers and beard oil? What if you wear that outfit when they take you to dinner? What if they take off the shoes and soak and massage your feet when you get home? What if today is Harry's day, and Judy does the things he wants without making him feel selfish or ashamed for asking? What if today is Judy's day, and Harry doesn't comment on how much something costs or whether he thinks it's "useful"?
What if they agree to find a way to *help* each other, instead of treating their relationship like a hostage negotiation? What if they *talk* to each other with honesty and trust instead of holding in thoughts and feelings that will turn into resentment?
amandla
kianamaiart
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
