retri8ution

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[ text ] That’s a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet. [ text ] hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse [ text ] uh do you have my pants because I have yours [ text ] fuck your aforementioned shoe [ text ] we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you “the ladle” [ text ] you passed out at 11 at a party. you deserved to be stripped down and duct taped to the floor [ text ] she kept telling me to calm down. i was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. in levels of calm i was one step above coma patient [ text ] Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up [ text ] sorry for being in the bathroom so long, had to practice my revenge faces. [ text ] i am SOBER. because i don’t drunk it is bad. people die. i like domenico because o he bag women. what uuuuuup?? [ text ] you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger [ text ] just got new surround sound speakers for my computer… i feel like i’m actually IN the porn now. [ text ] i’ve started making all these amazing things… like bananas rolled in doritos… bandritos. [ text ] i can’t remember last night. i must have yelled at your wife until she cried again [ text ] you need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we’re working [ text ] Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument. [ text ] But I have a pretty face. I’m not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal. [ text ] He stood me up. I’m proud of him for finally growing a backbone. [ text ] We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet. [ text ] how dare you. idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. [ text ] I know I’m high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it’s best to walk through every door in life like you’re a t-rex…. [ text ] I broke into your appartment and left you a waffle maker [ text ] So some guy at the party is convinced I’m Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me “Twilight” and following me around with a stake. [ text ] now that the fun of having an iphone has worn off i find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app. [ text ] The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today. [ text ] Hey dude. I’ve got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don’t have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer. [ text ] HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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"I wasn’t—” She paused, bringing both her hands to cover up her nose and mouth, “—going to wipe it on you! But what am I supposed to do now!” Blue hues flickered toward raven black locks, as if tempted to use her mane as the tissue she so desperately needed. No, she wasn’t that ill-mannered, yet the fact that the thought had crossed her mind would say much about her.

"Like hell I should know!!!!" She watches as the girl tries to use her own hair as a tissue.....another grown escapes her mouth. "Go8 just stop. Stop. You're so pathetic, you know that? You're really just a saaaaaaaad excuse." Of what? Does it matter? Let's just say everything.

That may or may have not been the loudest sneeze she had ever sneezed. Furthermore, she may or may have not been dangerously close to someone while doing so. "Tissue… I need a tissue!" And as if manners were something foreign to her — which at times felt like it was the case —, the teen made her words sound more a demand than a cry for help.

"Ughhhhhhhh gross!!!!!!!!" Wipes a hand over her face and flicks the snot from her fingers and proceeds to stare at the girl. "You know, I at least deserve some kind of apology for this disgusting mess you made. And don't you even think a8out wiping any of that crap on me either."

[ text ] a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed “ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!”, then ran off into the bushes [ text ] My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun… at 10 a.m…. [ text ] Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there’s an svu marathon on. Give me some time please. [ text ] I know how vodka works. I’m drunk, not stupid. [ text ] I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face [ text ] You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast. [ text ] Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper?? [ text ] You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people’s legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK. [ text ] so explain again why im purple [ text ] We need to get fucked up again and play games like ‘Save the tequila but dodge the knife’ [ text ] I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle. [ text ] You introduced yourself and she said “wow that’s a long name” and you went “yeah well you should see my dick.” [ text ] I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically [ text ] i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i’m sub-human. i love vicodin. [ text ] I hope you get stoned and think that you’re a seal in shark infested waters [ text ] You slept on a pillow of digiorno [ text ] You’re being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. [ text ] I think they will remember that birthday for a while. I’m still dying over the fact that a stripper was hunting me down. [ text ] You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice and then hung up. [ text ] Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if were still alive? [ text ] He jumped into a mall fountain. I don’t think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. [ text ] If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY [ text ] Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here [ text ] I’ll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors. [ text ] We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled “WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER” and threw up [ text ] You passed out and I didn’t draw a penis on your face. Best friend of the year. [ text ] it’ll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you’ve had in a month…

for a snapchat from my muse!