Biebs From the Trap

everything changed when i overheard my parents talking to my uncle about mississippi. a week later my parents told us that we were moving to mississippi and not staying in california. i felt numb. i was born and raised in california. all i knew was california. what hurt the most is they knew for weeks and only told me the week before our move. i wasn’t mad at my parents for moving, but i was so hurt that they let me hold so much hope.

hope. hope. Hope.

what a silly concept. i hate when people try to give me hope. i hate it. don’t give me hope. i don’t want it. hope makes me believe things are in my control. hope makes me think i’ll be ok. hope makes me think the pain is worth it.

job hunting has been so hard. i hate feeling twinges of hope. hope in completing a 5.10- at the gym. hope in the guy at work likes me back. hope that i won’t have to clean up after tech bros everyday. i hate it, i want better for myself, i want more in life, i want to be balanced.

hope is the streams of water that drowns a succulent. hope is the last glutinous spoonful of rice from the hands of my lola. the word smothers me like a sheet on a hot smother evening. it clings on to me my sweat is adhesive the warmth moisture my duvet clings on to. hope harder to pull off than the top sheet that sticks to my back.

sun: what makes you feel like you?

moon: do you have problem with trust?

rising: how/what do people say you come off as?

midheaven: what do you want to be when you grow up?

venus: do you flirt more knowingly or unknowingly?

mars: when was the last time you got mad and why?

mercury: who's your go-to person when you need to talk?

jupiter: when was the last time you got lucky?

saturn: what are you the weakest and strongest at?

uranus: are you rebellious and do you act upon it frequently?

neptune: what was your best dream and why?

pluto: what is your biggest aspiration and why?

lilith: what's your biggest turn on in someone?

aries: what's your favorite sport to play?

taurus: are you a dog or cat person?

gemini: are you introverted or extroverted?

cancer: when was the last time you cried and why?

leo: what makes you the most confident?

virgo: what's your strongest subject in school?

libra: what's your favorite make up brand?

scorpio: what's your most kept secret?

sagittarius: do you like to party?

capricorn: what's the last book you've read?

aquarius: do you believe in aliens?

When we look at objects, we can tell it’s history through its physical appearance. As I look at my laptop I can tell it’s been through a lot. The once bright silver has been dulled with the ware of numerous m-th classes and countless times it laid upon the edge of the bed and dropped, or where it’s been dropped in favor of saving a veggie chicken pesto. But once you go through the contents of my laptop, you’ll see the worn out keys from nights of typing out my complex feelings about Justin Bieber and other white boys with dimples and light brown hair. Though my laptop’s exterior shows signs of a rather careless owner, it’s an owner who feels great pain and confides to her worn out laptop. 

In Freud’s “Civilization and It’s Discontents” Freud theorizes about the unconscious as an iceberg. The iceberg has three levels, the conscious, preconscious, and then the unconscious. On the first layer, lies surface level things such as our thoughts and perceptions; the second layer is where we store our knowledge and memories; then the unconscious is where we lie the nitty gritty. In the unconscious level we hide things like our fears, violent motives, immoral urges, selfish needs, irrational wishes, unacceptable sexual desires, and shameless experiences. When I look at the iceberg, I see the iceberg flipped. My therapist tells me that I’m bad at boundaries and I’m starting to realize that. 

“Hey, I’m kind of seeing someone else...”

Ouch.

This year, I’ve been exploring hook up culture. From one night stands to friends with benefits, to even a brief relationship, I tried it all. With my most recent honey, I thought I was in a comfortable, casual relationship. Much like most things in my life, it didn’t work out. 

I hear the same song.

For a moment, 

you’re mine,

and I yours.

For a moment, 

you’re all I need.

In the end, I sit up and look at you.