Alan

18 | nj | airbuds, spotify, pinterest, letterboxd

I used to be smart, my teachers saved my essays and praised my work like it deserved a Nobel Prize. I’d join spelling bees and place above 5th each time. I even won a science fair once. I tutored younger kids because my teachers found my work good enough to be able to teach the concepts to others. But now I’m a dropout. I don’t think I’m smart at all anymore. I started failing junior year, maybe it was spurred by my parents divorce but that doesn’t feel like a good enough reason. I just stopped trying because of how depressed I was. My mindset was “Why try in school if I’m going to be dead by next week anyways?” Obviously I didn’t die. I flunked nearly every class that year and they carried over to senior year, and my school didn’t do summer classes so I had a full schedule senior year when everyone else only had to go Tuesdays and Thursdays. It felt awful. I knew I wouldn’t be able to catch up to my peers, I was so behind and I felt horribly dumb over it. And then in February the breaking point hit, my school said that I either get kicked out and go back to my old school to get held back, or I drop out. So I dropped out because school made me feel worthless and I doubted my ability to pull myself out of that again. I have my GED now which I got in March. I passed all the tests the first try but that doesn’t mean much. It’s a laughably easy test. I just wish I were as good as everyone else my age. They’re smart enough to get into college and I’m still here unsure of what I want to do with my life. IDK I complain about self created issues too much

Hi it’s me again 👋👋