apparentlyadam

I’m not too sure why I’m feeling like this, nothing in particular has bought this on, I suppose it’s a subconscious shift in my mind? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. 

When you’re young you’re always told to dream and encouraged to go onto achieve that dream, at any (reasonable) cost. When I was younger, I always wanted to be a road worker and I loved toy cars and this, that and the other. Anything car related, I loved. Then, as all kids do, we grow up, we change, our aspirations change and so do our dreams. I do believe it is harder to dream as you get older. Not only because some people expect you to grow out of that phase of ‘dreaming’ but also because as you grow, you’re more conscious of what other people think of you and what you want to do and pursue. 

I don’t think my time of dreaming is over, dreaming of a successful life. But I am becoming more aware that sometimes it might be just a dream and that I might not be successful and that I’ll lead a less than fruitful life. It scares me, I want to have this life I dream of, and I’d do anything to achieve it. But I’m uncertain what my next 5 steps are, I have a rough idea of what I need to do; however I am unsure as to how to execute it. 

I really hope that my dreams come true and I’d rather try and die than die and not try, but it’d kill me if I did not succeed. I’m not sure whether that’s metaphorically or literally. It also scares me how competitive the industry I want to go into can be. For every 1 million aspiring musicians or artists or any creatives, only 1 could succeed or something to that effect. You get the idea - the possibility of that being me is slim and again, it scares me, knowing it may not be me who’ll succeed. 

Also, can someone define what success is or does it change with every person? My old teacher considered herself successful because she got a degree and went onto teach for years. I’m not sure what I’d define success as in my (future) career. I’d like to think my career will be in music, if not then I’m kinda stuffed. When I think of me being successful in music, I think of being satisfied and obviously, earning a decent living.

So I booked these tickets as soon as they were being sold and it felt like an eternity of waiting but then the day arrived. I left my house at 15:00 to get a train at 15:48. Then an hour and 20 minutes on that train, to then take the tube from King’s Cross to Brixton. Then it was just a 5-10 minute walk from there. 

Not gonna lie, the queuing wasn’t very well organised, but that’s just cause the woman said “queue around the building” and we were actually queuing on the wrong side, so sorry for your unclear instructions babes. Anyway, once we’re queuing the correct way, me and my sister meet these two girls, both Welsh. Might be remembering their names wrong but I’m pretty sure they were Elle and Kate. Kate didn’t know how she was going to get home and Elle, not gonna lie, I can’t remember much about her but her outfit was pink, she had bubble pigtails and those stick on gems in pink around her eyes. Both of them were lovely girls.

Anyways so we get in and I was like OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG, I buy a tour tee, me and my sister pee and then take our places. The opening act, Maeve came on and her set was amazing but i think they fucked up on the sound check cause I couldn’t hear her singing because the instrumental was too bassy and I could literally feel my internal organs jumping about. Then we had like half an hour of waiting for Tove Styrke to come on. Again, set was fabulous. Then it was just waiting for the queen herself. 

Then the time came. SHE APPEARED AND I DIED. Her outfit? STUNNING. Her Hair? STUNNING. HER AS A PERFORMER, FUCKING AMAZING OMGGGGG.

I fried my vocal chords by shouting the entire time through the concert but I don’t regret it. It was amazing. I loved her so much, I can’t wait for her next tour because I will adore it and go and yup.

Then the sad time came, the ride home. I got home at 1 am and my sister at 2 am. I felt guilty but she said she wanted to take me and enjoyed me having fun so fingers crossed that’s true. If not then...I still won by going. Unfortunately I had to go to school the next day but I don’t regret it one bit, wouldn’t change it for the world.

Enjoy 2 photos!

P.S: We made eye contact and I died inside and I’m still recovering

P.P.S: The quality is kinda bad but just respect them for what they are, ok?

I don’t really know if I’ve done anything interesting as such? I suppose you don’t notice if you do anything interesting if it’s just your everyday life. Only interesting things I can think of would be:

> I am addicted to heartstopper. I have rewatched it 16 times and counting

> At the weekend I organised my wardrobe and it was refreshing

> I tried the ‘Burn After Writing’ book and lowkey loved that experience

> I get hate crimed daily

> I sat my first GCSE exam and did better than I thought, hopefully the results reflect that

Anyways, since I want my tumblr to be back from the dead; how’re you all? I wanna start posting at least once a month, even better, every other week. But it’s finding the time to do this cause I have to dig really deep and decide “wtf am i gonna rant about today”. Not interesting I know, but I love ranting, so maybe I’ll start posting random ass rants?

On May 22, I’m going to my first concert ever (I’m being deadass serious). I’m seeing my Teen Idle, Miss Marina. Lowkey so excited, shitting, crying, throwing up. Words can’t even articulate my excitement. If I could spend 1 second with anyone, Living (or) Dead, it would be Marina I fear. She just a queen, she saved my life actually but that’s a whole different therapy session for another day.

Speaking of, I should really invest in a therapist, last few weeks have made it apparent I need one. Anywaysssssssssssss

I been looking after myself, been doing some self-care, eating healthier (healthier, not healthy, I still eat some junk food however I eat a lot more healthy than shite so that’s great) and I been nice to myself. I’m just ready for that shit to come crashing down like a mac truck.

Anyways, I think that’s me done for today? I’ll try be back again soon,

I don’t know. Um. Not much has happened recently that’s been amazing. 

Spoiler; I forgot about writing this and then life gave me a big middle finger so here’s what has happened!

> Met some amazing friends

> Personal stuff

> Got COVID

> Had a hot mess moment (those who know will know)

> My bus crashed

So yes that happened, in a span of 2 weeks. Where shall I start?

The friends I met through two streamers I watch (I mod for one of them and accidentally banned one of my friends though lmao) and then I got rona and they were free basically 24/7 so I self isolated with them and their boyfriend over discord call so that was a moment and it was very fun.

Ok so my experience with rona. She a bitch and I hope she dies. Days 1,2 and 3 were the same; achy, coughing, quite phlegmy. Then day 4 my taste and smell started to go. Day 5 I had to go outside so I could breathe. Day 6 wasn’t any better then after day 7 or 8 my symptoms started to go away slowly. P.S My taste and smell are not fully restored yet :(

My bus crashing wasn’t too bad, or bad at all. The crunching sound was quite aesthetic; someone reversed into the bus twice at full speed 😭

TWICE.

So um yeah this post was kinda rushed I promise I’ll be back with a better one soon!

Like how did I get to here? 2005, where it all started. My parents did what all parents do in order to create you (i wanna vomit omfg). Then November 17th 2005 at 23:28, I was pushed out my Mum’s Fahina and then that was me. I was originally supposed to be called Lincoln. Thank you dad for naming me Adam. ApparentlyLincoln does not work. No clue what my handle would be if I was named Lincoln. LittleLincoln. Naur. LateralFlowLincoln. I- anyways.

4 years later, I start school. 2009-2010 was the Academic year I believe (I’m not good with time to be honest). I don’t really remember much from that time. All I know is that I had a friend called Eva (or Ava I can’t remember) and she had a twin, I believe he was called Joseph. Their house was so nice. It was somewhat similar to this house. Emphasis on similar. I used to love going there, they were so nice. I was 100% closer to Eva though, main reason being I lived with 2 sisters at the time (12/13 year old sister and a 19/20 year old sister) and obviously my Mum (my parents split up when I was like 2).

Also to note, around these first few years of school, I had gone on my first holiday I could actually remember! It was 2 weeks at Disney Land (Florida) because my grandad was dying and he wanted to take us on a family trip and see us happy. Despite not being able to remember 100% of things, I can remember a few. 

I remember being on one of the rides and it got stuck. I remember it was like Orange and Blue or something? It had a small loop in it (I was like 5 or 6 so it was basic as fuck). I remember we stayed in this lovely house, it was amazing. It had a big black front door, lovely white tile flooring, I vaguely remember some of the paintings on the wall. I remember one time me and one of my cousins went for a midnight swim with my dad in the pool. Speaking of, I remember I used to jump in the pool or something near the stairs in the pool, and I scraped the backs of my feet. I remember my nan (who is still alive) and my grandad nursed the backs of my feet back to existence. I remember going to Applebee’s (I’m pretty sure it was across the road) and always ordering the Orange Juice and Spaghetti. Oh and cause the water from the pool would give me extreme ear ache, my dad would have to put my Calpol (paracetamol for kids) in my food or drink because I wouldn’t have it by itself. Lol Sorry for that massive memory dump. 

So my grandad sadly passed in February of 2012. When my mum told me, according to her I cried for hours. I still have a picture of him in my room, I hope he’s doing well chilling in the afterlife.

Anyways, fast forward a few months post-grandfather’s death, me, my mum, one of my sisters (the younger of the two), and my stepdad move 2 hours away to a county called Norfolk (for anyone who isn’t English, a county is basically like a state). Going from an extremely suburban area in my home county of Essex to the middle of nowhere in a place called Norfolk where people speak differently, there’s hardly any activity. Barely any moving cars. No real ‘life’ compared to Essex. I left all my old friends behind really. I only remained in contact with one friend, since her mum was a friend of my mum’s. Her name was Tilly. I wasn’t too fond of her (I’m sorry hun). But she was quite nice. Nonetheless, life does what life does and all I can remember post 2013 is nothing really. I remember that me and Tilly eventually lost contact, as did our mum’s.

Then the next full ‘event’ or whatever I can really remember was in around late 2015. PGL. Now if you’re not English, that is the shit. I- girl. It’s amazing. It’s like 3 days long and in those 3 days, you get to go to this canteen hall, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. There were tons of activities, Kayaking, Abseiling. You name it, they probably got it. Then there were like evening activities after dinner. Like tag or capture the flag. 

Then, we went the year after that, my school went again. Same thing really, we just different activities. 

Then I can’t really remember anything after that for about another 6 months, until the end of Year 6 (2017). I was 11. It was quite sad. I cried because I was gonna miss my teacher. Yup...actually happened although I hated the school. She was an artist so she did us portraits of us and out future jobs. Around this time I was extremely invested in computers and all that jazz, so everyone was adamant I was gonna be working in that general area. Welp, look where I am now.

Anyways, I go to secondary school and instantly I’m just hated by most people, and by most people about like 99.99% of the school. Then obviously, 2020, human rights movements and COVID came and dominated the world. (The way only one thing in 2020 shouldn’t of happened and it definitely was not human rights movements) Then sparked working from home, fear of the unknown, fear of mankind and masks, sweet masks.

I was so afraid to catch COVID, I think we all were to be honest, a fear of the unknown. In March 2020, UK Schools were shut down for “2 Weeks”. That 2 weeks turned into 6 months.

Did I do any of the work? No. Did I regret it? Yes. Did I then finish 3 months of work in 12 long agonising days without doing anything else? Yes.

My mental health was actually the best it had ever been in lockdown. I wasn’t in a toxic environment with people I hated 24/7. Just me, my room, my dog and life. I discovered my love for music. I found a sense of belonging or self to a degree? I felt like I found my purpose in life. Like this was my calling (I went to spiritual church when I was younger, can you tell?), it was like I had that fire and drive that you have for your wildest dream.

We then returned September 2020. 

However this year, I had a new English teacher, like actually a new one. She was new to the school. I then realised I love English and words. That kinda kick started my love for song writing as a form of therapy. So Miss, if one day I’m famous, I owe it to you. Literally this woman is one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. She’s like 24-25 so she understands are humour and doesn’t speak down to us etc. She’s just all round. A BESTIE. LIKE SIS I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND.

Anyways we went back into lockdown for 3 more months in January 2021. During those months I had retaught myself piano and I guess that’s where my ‘music producer’ journey if you will began. But once we returned to school, everyone was so behind on content, so relieved I wasn’t the only one. It was a mess. Literally, not figuratively.

So to present day; I’m predicted to fail Math amongst a few other non-core GCSE subjects, revising for exams, applied to two colleges (one is a specialised Music College and another a standard college but with the same course), burning Demo CDs and avoiding COVID.

How I’ve changed beyond recognition, I’d like to think that music will take me somewhere, and for someone reason I am certain it will. I just wanna enjoy life and grow old...then die obviously lmao.

Anyways lemme be crediting my new self to some of the people around me:

Josie - You’re literally like a twin to me (no like we’re in sync all the time it’s weird)

My English Teacher - You’re just so motivating, caring and understanding 

My Sister - For driving me to my college interview and also you’re just amazing

Secondly, getting there was like going through a maze. But one that is actually possible to get out of, because I’m such a loud mouth and kept distracting my sister. Distractions = going the wrong direction.

Ok great! We’re here. We found parking! Behind an abandoned flat block or some shit...? Uhm. Oh also. We got there...an hour early. What. The. Fuck.

So now, me and my sister are parked behind this sketchy ass building, I have a £1,000 laptop on me, we both have no self defence skills just mother siri to call police and we have to sit in this car for an HOUR.

Anyways, the hour passes, we go to the college, again, kinda like a maze finding it but we found it! So I sign in for my interview and we go to the communal area to wait.

I was only there for like 2 minutes before this man appears and ‘awww...he was so cute. wait. uhm’. Kidding, just wanted to throw a mean girls reference in there. Basically this tutor came out, and he was definitely in the later half of his life, his name was Michael. 

Well I was shitting myself because stereotypically, old people only like classical music or some shit, and my ENTIRE portfolio was pop music. 

Then dilemma 5132781 of the day. Every room we were going to go in for the interview was being used...why is my life like this?

 Anyways, after a few minutes we find a room, I’m sat in this (kinda cute and very fucking comfy) red chair and he’s sit in a wheelie office chair. He asks me about my background with music, why I wanna do it and all the normal questions, then asks me for proof of predicted grades (I haven’t taken my exams yet). 

Then the fucking scariest part. Like imagine this is the part in a scream film where you’re cornered with ghost face and crapping yourself. This was that moment.

I now had to play my portfolio. So I played Karma and an unfinished demo. But in my wise wisdom, I played the wrong fucking version of Karma. I played a demo version with totally different drums, I last worked on 3 weeks before the interview. I was supposed to play a version that was only 2 days old lol. Anyways, he still loved it though, he said it gave off 80s x Musical Theatre x Disney? Just gonna take it as a compliment. Also during my interview, people would keep walking in and someone came in with the unfinshed demo playing.

Anyways, I’ve got an offer processing. But since this dumbass decided to mention his mental health when asked about emotional support, I did in fact tell them. So now I have to have a follow up meeting with the support department at the college before I am definitely given my offer. Which by the way is a conditional offer. I just need a grade higher in maths, maintain all my current grades for the exam and then I am in for definite! If not though, they’ll still consider me.

5th of November update:

Okay so I’m back writing this, almost 2 weeks later. No update on the support thingy. But I have a strong feeling in my gut that I will be accepted to the college. I just need to work my ass off.

Good luck me and stream MARINA for clear skin. Mwah Mwah.

Stay safe besties,

But like back on topic, I think as a society we are just worried about what other people think of us and then we relay that onto ourselves, at least that’s how I feel and have been, again, for too many years. Unsurprisingly to everyone it’s really not healthy.

My English teacher did something with her mentor/tutor group the other day and she told me about it. “What do you think about?” she asked to a room of 30 teenagers, a few years younger than me. The responses? Homework, TikTok, Class, Music and Gaming were the most common she told me. Never once did anyone else come into their thinking process. Keep in mind, these guys are like 13-14. It just shows, that even in a teenager’s bitchiest years, they’re not thinking about your every move and criticising you. Not how you do when you get home, into your room and scream hate at yourself into a mirror. 

Sure, you get mean people in life, you get assholes like bullies. I’m not gonna say that stereotypical shit like “they’re just jealous of what you have” but I think that we just get people like that in life. In addition to that, maybe they just have something they’re struggling with in their personal life and/or hate themselves and maybe making other people feel pain or hurt like they do makes them feel emotion. I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. However back to the jealousy comment, there probably are some people that are assholes because of jealousy. 

Again, back to the point of this post. 

Stress ~ Noun ~  a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.

Why the fuck do we actually stress about every little thing? Like yes, a human emotion but why the fuck am I stressing about grey hairs at FIFTEEN YEARS OLD? Grey hairs aren’t even a sign of aging or being old, it’s literally down to the pigment cells dying. Which you guessed it! CAN BE CAUSED BY STRESS. I’m really not doing myself any favours, huh? I can understand being stressed about exams, job interviews, how you’re going to put food on the table, etc. They’re big things. But how can I be stressed over the thought of failure for things I have never even attempted or thought about before? Like, first time for everything and all that shit. It’s not like Ariana Grande popped out her mother’s womb and could instantly hit whistle notes. And I imagine the first whistle note she attempted sounded kinda bad (no offence ariana) but do you get me? 

Onto my third point of this long ass rant, which could possibly be contradictory to my first one.  

“I only hate in others what I hate in myself” - Marina Diamandis 2011

It’s so true. At least for me I guess? Maybe it’s because I notice the things I hate about myself more than other things about myself. I’m quite glass half empty instead of half full (I think that’s the right way round?). I see the negative more than the positive. And that translates to other people...a bit? I don’t judge you 24/7 or come up to you and say something negative about you, but the negative definitely sticks out to me the most. I’m aware this rant is confusing as hell, but hopefully you get the gist. 

I really need to relax my noggin. I have definitely matured in the sense I have realised this and whatever else and I suppose in order to do this, I just need to loosen up a bit, allow me to be me, love myself unconditionally, stop being so negative and stop being so worried over stupid shit. 

Thanks for coming to this long ass rant. Sorry your brain probably hurts now and I’m gonna go let my dog out and sleep now. I spent an hour and a half writing this so....yeah. I have things to do.

Stay Safe Besties,