On Depression and Antidepressants
I wanted to do a bit of a post for World Mental Health Day, because this kind of thing is important to me. Sorry if it ends up being rambly!
I’m currently 26. When I was still in middle school, I was diagnosed with depression. Nowadays, I would probably more properly be described as having MADD (Mixed anxiety-depressive disorder), considering my symptoms. Basically, I had (have?) the kind of depression where I would get so caught in loops of catastrophic anxious thoughts that it would feel like it was impossible to go on living.
When the doctor first asked if I’d be interested in antidepressants, my preteen self told her that I didn’t think I’d want them to work. I wanted to think that all my feelings were the result of my natural thought process, which seemed so logical to me. But things eventually became untenable, and I was willing to try whatever would make things better.
I spent the next several years on and off of various antidepressants. I want to say I tried at least five different ones that didn’t work out. Some gave me side effects I couldn’t take, while some just didn’t really do the job. I eventually landed on one that worked for me, which was such a relief. This was late high school by now, and I can tell you that my last year of high school was one of my best school years by far. I discovered my sense of humor, I learned to interact so much better with my fellow classmates, and I no longer felt like complete shit all the time.
For some reason, I went back off antidepressants in college. I had been feeling a lot better for a while, and just thought it was time to see if I could do without them, I guess.
Things were okay for a while, but slowly my old thought processes came back. Any overwhelming college project would leave me in a crumpled sobbing mess on the floor, wondering what the hell I had done with my life and how I could possibly ever make things work out. I hate to think how I must have seemed to other classmates, constantly getting upset about the smallest thing. I went to college counselors and such, but none of it really helped. It took me way longer than it should have, but I finally went back on the antidepressants that I’m still taking to this day.
Maybe I’ll try going off these again someday, but for now I’m perfectly fine with the idea that I could be on my meds for the rest of my life. Everything is so much better than it used to be. I still have many of the same thoughts, but my mind can properly contextualize and deal with them without breaking down.
I’m 100% certain that I would be in a different place in my life without my antidepressants. I definitely never would have been able to move to Japan for 2.5 years to teach English, or trusted myself as a full-time artist.
(As a small side note, I pay $0 for my ADs thanks to this horrible new healthcare system where I can get generics for free under my current plan. Just throwing that out there, as I know some brands can be prohibitively expensive otherwise. Make sure you discuss your options and budget with your healthcare provider!)
Obviously everyone’s situation is different, and I wouldn’t try to push meds as some kind of magical cure-all. But if you’re on the fence about giving them a shot, just know that I was in the same position once. It took a long time, and several tries, but now they’re an indispensable tool in my daily life. Any artist knows that the tool doesn’t make the artist, but it’s stupid to do without a tool that can make your job easier.
Nothing’s worse than the feeling that you will never be alright, and nothing’s better than the realization that you are, finally, okay. Please make sure that you’re doing whatever you need to to take care of yourself.
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