Where Is The Where Is

This is a thing that happens with some people:

People get angry

They tell you off in mean ways that make you feel horrible

Or their anger scares you, even if they’re not actually being mean

You feel like the way you’re feeling is evidence that you’ve *done* something horrible

Or you’re afraid, and feel like you have to grovel for forgiveness in order to be safe

It’s really, really hard to tell whether you’ve actually done something wrong when someone is being mean to you. (Or when you’re terrified by anger or conflict.)

If you’re afraid or hurting, or especially both, it’s hard to have perspective. Especially if you feel like acknowledging that you’ve done a horrible thing might make that person stop hurting you. *Especially* if you’re really good at reading what someone wants to hear.

This is doubly true for people who have been abused. If you’ve been hurt by someone who demanded that you stop thinking in the face of every conflict, it’s hard to think when other people are angry with you. 

There are countermeasures. It’s possible to learn to deal with anger and conflict without falling apart.

Countermeasure #1: recognizing feelings that indicate that your perspective is off, and creating distance

If you’re panicking and feeling inclined to make an abject apology, it’s probably time to step back

Even if it turns out that you were in the wrong, a panic apology is unlikely to make the situation better

Because when you’re panicking, you’re not really capable of apologizing sincerely anyway

It’s ok to need time to think

It’s ok to realize that you’re panicking and need to back away from the situation to be able to think

Someone who won’t let you do this is probably not someone you should trust

Countermeasure #2: considering reversal:

Think about what you did, and how the person who is angry at you is reacting

What do you think you’d do if the situation was reversed?

In light of that, do you think their reaction is reasonable?

And do you think you actually did something terribly wrong?

(The answer to this might be yes even if you think you would have reacted differently. But thinking about reversal can still make the situation easier to understand)

Countermeasure #3: Think in concrete terms:

What, specifically, does the person who is mad at you think you did?

Do you think you actually did that thing?

If not, do they have a reasonable basis for thinking that you did that thing?

Are they understanding correctly? Are they listening to your explanation of what you think you did? (eg: if they think you said a slur and you actually said a different word that they misheard, are they screaming at you and saying you are just making excuses?)

If you did do the thing, why are they angry about the thing?

Do you think it’s reasonable that they are offended?

Do you think it’s reasonable that they are *as* offended as they are?

(Think about this seriously, especially if they think you are being racist, sexist, transphobic, ableist, etc towards them. Your initial reaction to this kind of thing is likely to be off base. But it is also possible to be wrong about these things, and ultimately, you have to think for yourself about whether you think you’re guilty of what you’re accused of.)

Countermeasure #4: Considering the perspective of someone you respect:

Think of someone who you know well and respect as someone who treats people well

If you’d done the thing to them, how do you think they’d react?

Does that match how the person who is angry at you now is reacting?

If you’d hurt the person you respect in a similar way by accident and they were upset with you, how do you think you’d be reacting?

Does it match how you’re reacting here? (Eg: are you more afraid? more inclined to panic-apologize? more defensive?)

In light of all of that, what do you think about what’s happening now?

Do you think that you did the thing you’re being accused of?

Do you think it was wrong? 

Do you think that the way they are reacting to you is unjustified or otherwise objectionable?

Do you think you should apologize? 

Do you think they should apologize?

(These are all real questions. Considering the hypothetical perspective of someone you know doesn’t give you automatic answers, but it can be helping as a way of getting unstuck when you’re afraid and inclined to panic about something you’ve been accused of. You might find that, even after you’ve stopped panicking, you still think that you have done something wrong and that you should apologize for it.)

Countermeasure #5: Outside perspective:

It can help to discuss the situation with people who know you well (especially if they’re not parties to the conflict)

Particularly if they are people who you can trust to tell you when they think you actually *have* done something wrong

Some friends are mutual check in people for one another. 

Some people get outside perspective from therapists. 

When you’re panicking, it can be hard to tell from the outside that you’re panicking. Panic in response to conflict can feel like you’re just accurately recognizing that you are terrible or something. 

It’s much easier to tell from the outside when that is happening

So, if you have people you trust to help you check your perspective, it is tremendously helpful in staying oriented and figuring out what’s actually going on

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

Short version: You might get better results if you stop thinking of diffusing their anger as a goal.

Longer version:

Making excuses basically means doing something wrong, and attempting to prevent other people from taking it seriously. That can be in many forms:

Claiming that it wasn’t your fault the thing happened (even though it was)

Telling people that you’re not the kind of person who does that kind of thing (data they have is that you just did the thing. They get to decide what they think about that.)

Claiming that the thing wasn’t really a big deal (even though it was)

Stating or implying, through words or actions, that you expect there to be no consequences once you have explained (even consequences like people being annoyed with you)

eg:

Sue: Your dog just destroyed all of my mail. He ripped up my paycheck. This can’t happen again.

Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m really a responsible pet owner, I never do this kind of thing, it’s just my back was turned for a minute and my dog got out.

This is a bad response because:

Brenda’s dog just destroyed Sue’s mail.

Brenda is trying to make this a conversation about why Sue shouldn’t judge her

Sue has every right to be angry, and every right to have this affect her perception of Brenda

This would be a better approach:

Sue: Your dog just destroyed all of my mail. He ripped up my paycheck. This can’t happen again.

Brenda: I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t realize that the fence had termites, and my dog just ran right through it. We’re replacing the fence, and keeping the dog in while it’s being replaced. Is there a way I can help you fix things with the mail?

Sometimes you will be accused of making excuses when it’s not actually your fault. Eg:

Debra: Why is the logo a dinosaur? I wanted a potato.

Lucy: We discussed this, and you decided to go with the dinosaur. The contract says dinosaur logo. 

Debra: You’re just making excuses. Make the logo right.

Or:

Jason: Why did you just call me a pistachio? Is that some sort of weird slur?

Fred: I was offering you a pistachio.

Jason: Don’t make excuses. It’s not ok to insult me like that.

I don’t know of any effective response in that situation. I wish I did. 

If you’re talking to people who are basically reasonable, and you actually have made a mistake, this can be a good way to explain without sounding like you’re making excuses:

I’m sorry about this

This is how it happened

Here are the steps I’ll take to make it not happen again

Offering to fix what is fixable

eg: 

I’m sorry that my dog ate your homework.

I didn’t know that dogs really did that, so I didn’t take precautions.

From now on, I will keep up the baby gate so he can’t get in to the room you do homework in.

I’m sorry about this - are you going to get in trouble at school? Can I help you recreate it, or would it help if I wrote a note?

An important component of taking responsibility for a mistake is accepting that people are going to have feelings about it, and that an apology isn’t always going to make them go away. 

Golden-cheeked Warbler (Setophaga chrysoparia), male, family Parulidae, order Passeriformes, Central TX, USA

ENDANGERED.

Endangered due to destruction of habitat and increase in nest predation by (native) Brown-headed Cowbirds.

The only bird that nests exclusively in the state of Texas.

here's the sexual content guidelines saying nudity is ok

here's the bit from the termination email telling you you can make a new account as long as it doesn't break the same rule

here's the guidelines for what counts as explicit (not mature, aka grounds for content deletion)

here's the section telling us that you will always be able to respond to content getting flagged as explicit (lie)

here's the section where it says you will be notified when your accunt gets terminated, and that the appeals are reviewed by humans (both lies)

and by the way, posting a single thing against ToS isn't supposed to be grounds for deletion, (this is what the termination email is warning you about)

sharing content without content labels isn't either

Cypress Knee

Watercolor on paper, 8x10”

i was working at a little cafe where I could deny service over bad behavior, harassment etc. & mask mandates had just ended a week before & already people were being weird about me still wearing mine—an N95, the kind shaped kinda like a duckbill.

so this man walked in, looked at me sooo scathingly, laughed at me, and said “damn. never known a woman to choose…practicality over looks.”

And I just said, “oh. you can go, you’re not getting a drink.” And he said, “what???”

I said, “sir, you just walked in at 6 am & called women impractical and me ugly in one sentence.”

it was only within the past few months that i got to a point where i was like okay, this is reasonable. they’re not EASY, but if i pace myself i can take the stairs all at once without gasping for air. that’s not too bad. there’s room for improvement and i still get a little winded but that’s a reasonable amount of tired to be, i reckoned, it’s one staircase but it’s kind of a long staircase. i’d always known it was kinda long.

except i recently found out i was underselling it a bit, there. turns out it’s a VERY long staircase. it’s ‘appears in tour guides and news articles’ long, actually. it’s ’annual citywide step challenge event’ long. it’s ’i can’t tell you the number of steps without doxxing myself’ long. and for almost a year i had no idea, because it’s nearby and not very fancy looking and i thought it was just Some Stairs and i was really badly out of shape. but no, i’ve accidentally been doing insane superhell cardio this whole time. i’m pretty sure i’m currently in better shape than i was running cross country in high school. the big hill by my parents’ house feels like flat ground to me now.

In 2000 the record was 25.5 in 12 minutes. In 2001, Kobayashi ate 50 hot dogs, almost doubling the record. The judges ran out of pre-made signs to track how many he had eaten and had to start making handwritten signs on the spot