Paragon Kismet

Only for him.

You know...Frozen is very much like my life in song ways, and in others, it’s just a beautiful story. Oh, but it’s so overrated... Not to me. I first got to watch it as one of my few ever good birthday gifts. A coworker and my old manager took me out to eat and watch it. I was so happy. I couldn’t believe anyone cared that much about me. Alright...on with the show. ... The first song tells you the story, how to solve the main conflict in it, and so much more. Then comes the innocence lost. And the sister, in her love, shuts her only friend out. To protect her. But she doesn’t know she is doing it in love. She only fears what would happen...and fear blinds her. I can’t imagine how it would be, growing up alone like that. It’s no wonder Anna wants out. But Elsa...has developed an anxiety disorder, just like me. And every little thing she does wrong, spikes the panic in her, and it just makes it worse. She has nothing sturdy to stand on. Nothing to hold on to. Now, Hans...that one’s funny. The song they sing? It reveals his intentions. And Anna’s. “My whole life has been a series of doors in my face, and then suddenly, I bumped into you,” Anna sings. She has so much love, but she doesn’t know where to put it any more. Her sister shut her out, literally and figuratively, and her love...well, the door was closed. Her sister wouldn’t let her into her room, into her heart. But Hans was happy to accept. “I’ve been searchin’ my whole life to find my own place,” Hans sings...so you see they want different things, very clearly. Hans is looking for somewhere to walk, and Anna has the door to her heart wide open, pleading for someone to come in. “But with you, I’ve found my place” “But with you, I saw your face” Rather clear that they want different things. He just wants somewhere to go, she sees someone to love. I’ll...tangent further later.

(this was shared somewhere else, but...after writing it, I don’t want it to disappear for good if I get too afraid of judgement and delete it there) I've been...afraid to admit this here. Because I'm so afraid to be judged...but my marriage is failing. I'm...planning on divorce. It took me so long to realize I didn't love my husband, and...even the people around me knew before I did. It's clear now, but I strung it out so long... And there's...another thing. It's terrible timing, but also good. But everyone would just assume things... This is a story, please don't judge me too harshly...I already judge myself plenty for it. I'm...glad I'm still alive, with how much I hate myself. I sure as hell don't want to be, when I remember that. And my husband knows, if any of you wonder...trust me, he knows. I haven't hidden anything... There's someone else. He helped me realize that I didn't love my husband. He's been a friend for a very, very long time. We've had our ups and downs, but I've never once been truly mad at him, nor him at me. He's always been the smile when all I could do is frown and want to die. I met him a few weeks ago, for the first time, in person. I've known him online for...a third of my life. Hell, my mom even knew of him, and she's been gone for a third of my life as well. I friend-zoned him back then, but he stuck around because he's a good guy, always there to tell me I'm worth it in a goofy way. Some guy breaks up with me after a week and tells me I'm immature and annoying? He's there to tell me I'm beautiful and intelligent and don't need someone like that. I fell for him after he persisted for a while. After my mom had passed...but he was good enough of a guy that I actually brought him up to my bed-bound mom (anorexia/alcoholism), and she liked him. During those years, I was on a dating site. I met him, and so many others, there. High school had destroyed my self-esteem, and I was finally medicated for my anxiety/depression. I needed the boost. Guy after guy, just because it helped me feel wanted. After they figured out who I was as a person, had a few lays...they ALL gave up on me. He's the only one who stuck around and kept talking to me. He was always sweet, and didn't seem to 'expect' things like some 'nice guys' do. He just genuinely treated me well. I started to like him after a while. I think the first time I wanted to meet him, he had a lot of family drama going on and couldn't deal with the stress. I was stressed too, and it just clashed, and he ended up making up an excuse not to visit. But a believable one; he lived a few hours away and his car was shit, his job was shit, and he couldn't really afford the trip. (he admits it was just him wimping out now) The 2nd time, to be entirely fair, he had gotten a concussion with a lot of vertigo. He played roller hockey at the time, so that was fair. He's had a total of 5 concussions in his life, I can't even remember which one that was. We kept talking for a while, though, until he hooked up with someone in real life. That hurt, and we just...stopped. I don't remember the specifics, it's been...like 7 years since then. I approached him again though when she was gone, and we rekindled. By then I was living with my evil grandma, aunt had bought me a car, life was going ok but the stress of my evil grandma wore on me. At one point I went to visit my dad, and tried to let him know I'd be happy to drive to see him...but he never answered the phone. Again, nowadays he admits he chickened out again. I was upset, but I got it. He had so much going on in his life, trying to deal with a full uni schedule and a shit job, he couldn't cope with the stress again. I got into a car accident at one point...I over-corrected. Gave a guy whiplash, bruised myself up, but nobody seriously hurt. Just totaled my car. I called my dad first...and he was 2nd. Grandparents third. When I got home that night...grandma SCREAMED at me, blaming me for the crash. I ended up on the floor, sobbing, so afraid...and then had to deal with the insurance claim call. He said he only had free time for 15 minutes at one point, but he could talk, so I paused my insurance talk (the lady on the phone was lovely) to talk to him for 5 minutes. He made me laugh and smile and...forget. I stopped crying. ...during that short window, my grandma, not believing I was actually doing the insurance thing, listened in on the call. She spent the next year reminding me of my call with him, what things he said, mocking him and using it to cite me as a liar. But I refused to trade that for the world. He ended up with two other girls in the next year, one didn't pan out rather quick, the other he stayed with for a while. We didn't talk as much during that time, but when I went to visit my dad again, I offered to visit him. He didn't reply (and admits that's because he was worried meeting me while he was with someone would have been a bad idea, which is true). I dealt. I lived in an apartment for a few years, and still spoke to him. Was introduced to a guy (who is now my husband) through an online game and a mutual friend. He lived in Australia, and he was nice and sweet and shy, and I liked it. He was different from the other guys I'd been cycling through still throughout all this time, just to make myself feel wanted. So I planned my move, and when I went back to my dad's one last time, I offered to see him again...and he didn't reply. That time, it's because he didn't want to screw up what me and the guy had. Which is fair, but...it just...saddened me. I wanted to meet this guy, who had kept me from committing suicide for SO MANY YEARS at that point, who had made me smile when life tried to ruin me... I got to Australia, built a life here, was...never truly physically happy with my partner, but I figured there was a reason. Weight, bad breath, the temperature, I kept thinking up possibilities. We tried fixing it. It... It never worked. I spoke to him on and off throughout my marriage, nothing more than friends for most of it. At one point in my marriage, though, I realized I needed to be physically happy, and...we decided on an open marriage. I should have realized that was kinda a sign of what was happening, but...I didn't. Skip more time, and...well, I started realizing I...couldn't say 'I love you' to my husband any more and feel like I meant it. I hated myself for it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept talking with the other guy, and he was always supportive. He's never once, ever, tried to do ANYTHING to sway me towards him. He's just been good to me. He's actually actively tried to steer me away from him at times because he only wants what's best for me, even if I don't care and just want myself miserable half the time. I realized that the last person I ever wanted kids with was my first boyfriend. And, this guy...I wouldn't mind a kid with him. I thought he'd be a good father. I didn't even want a kid with my partner. When something scared me one night, during a panic attack, I thought of my final words, and they were to him. I realized how I felt. I told my partner these things, I'd been telling him stuff as time went on, but he...he hadn't done anything wrong. If anything, -I- was using -him-, and I told him this. He pleaded with me, every time, and won. Because the guilt ate me. Because I was the bad person, and he deserved to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. I didn't mention this, but...I didn't even enjoy the wedding. And so...I asked the guy one more time, would he let me meet him, and he said yes, without a doubt. It...wasn't affordable for him, for obvious reasons, but it was for me. So I planned it. And we were both happy. Then he stopped talking to me...for a month. I never had a more miserable month in my life. I just wanted to know what I had done wrong to deserve it. I begged. I pleaded. I left a voicemail with a long distance call, even. It...took me interviewing myself in a message to him, with how broken I was...to finally get a response. He'd started liking someone else there, a friend he'd known, and the guilt ate him inside. He thought disappearing, I would be happier just hating him... He...fell into depression. I didn't even know the extent of it, I just knew he wasn't happy. He utterly ruined things with the girl, who ended up not being a good match for him, but...no matter how much I said to him, prodded and pried for what the fuck was wrong, he never got mad at me. I was the first person he told what was going wrong in his life. (and now i know he tried to kill himself...and i can't imagine an angel in human form leaving this world like that) We...were still going to meet. Time got closer to my trip. I told my husband again. He guilted me with his life, saying he wanted to kill himself if I left. I gave in again. I left for the trip. Time ran so slow... ...I finally met him. He wasn't...the same as I remembered. But it'd been nearly 10 years, obviously he'd changed. He was so...warm, his personality. I was afraid to show him my true self, in person, because everyone rejects it. He just held me, no matter how long I wanted it to last. He kissed me, because I was too afraid to kiss him. We laid there for at least an hour after meeting, just looking at each other. I...we kept kissing. And, the thing is...I don't (normally) like kissing. I've enjoyed kissing 2 guys in my life, out of 20+, and even then, they were very minor. This was...different. I actually initiated the kisses. I finally understood why people enjoyed kissing... There were...other things, but, well, one thing does lead to another. He took me out to eat,the next day, and his car smelled like hockey, but I found I liked it. Brought me to the store to grab some stuff for the hotel (bread and such, cuz i was staying a week), but when we got back we just enjoyed each other's company. He let me watch a game that was going on for a bit while he did some work-related stuff, and we went back. The amount of time we just spent together, not doing anything but lying there, cuddling, no tv, no anything...it still wasn't enough. He brought me to a hockey game he was playing one evening after work, and despite how shit his team did, I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing him do something he loved. After the game, he was upset due to a frustrating teammate, but...he calmed down. We talked for a bit at one point, about that month he ignored me. All the times we never met. I saw the sadness creep into his eyes, and it hurt to see. But he answered every question, and hated himself for everything he'd ever done to hurt me. Every chance he didn't take. He was hurting enough that I could barely get him to smile again. But he slept with me that night, and I was happy. Waking up next to him...was perfect. He even brought me to an arcade. Guys...don't bring me on dates. Even my husband never has...but I just...it was awesome. We made fools of ourselves. Talked about silly stuff. Beat each other in Mario Kart, laughed, and it was amazing. When he finally had to bring me to my dad's, I didn't want to leave him. But he admitted to me, his entire opinion of everything had changed. That week had changed him. He said he could never forget how much I just enjoyed being with him, doing ANYTHING with him, whether chores or work-related or fun. He promised me it wouldn't be the last time we met. And...during my week with him, I'd...already told my husband it was done. Via messages. Because in person, he always guilted me until I gave in. I couldn't do that again. ...while at my dad's, though...my husband wrote me an essay. That ripped me to shreds. And...twice, that day, I wanted to kill myself. Both times, I turned to the guy, and he absolutely refused to let me talk about myself that way. To think that way. He called me, and told me how amazing I am, and that I just need to keep going on. That he couldn't be happy if I did something like... ...it takes so much out of a person to keep someone from killing themselves. He's saved me so many times, I can't count it on all of my digits. I don't understand how, or why, he puts up with me. I'm...back now. My husband and I will see a counselor soon, and I will slowly end it. He's coming to terms with the fact it's over. I'm trying to...better myself. To not be the person in the essay. And... ...and I can't believe I actually found someone I want kids with. I want to kiss. But everyone would assume I'm leaving my husband, for this guy...when it's just a fucking shit-ass coincidence. The guy who SET ME UP with my husband KNEW we weren't working out, LONG BEFORE I knew myself... But now, I realize...I'm going to be happier over there. With him. His smile. I could be in a rundown apartment, have a shit job, but I'd actually be happy. Love is so important to me. I write fiction about it, even. Hundreds of poems. And I forgot I deserve to be in love, too... And I am. I love him. He knows. He's not ready to say something like that, and that's okay. Because if it doesn't work out, he's still the friend he always has been. He's still a beautiful person, who tells me to do what makes ME happy, screw everyone else. I... Is it okay for me to be happy that I finally found my happy ending? That it...hurts someone that doesn't deserve it, for me to get there? Because even if that week hadn't worked...I'd still be getting a divorce. I'd just...move somewhere different. It's...all so fucked up. I'm so afraid.

Alright, your broken angel is speaking. Even the cats know I’m not in a good way. And I won’t be, until HE replies. I need a nickname for him. Fuck it, he’s Kristoff. He can enjoy that name, he won’t know the reference because he never watched the film, but god damnit if he doesn’t remind me of him... This angel can’t speak with her friends in the Weave right now. They’re not talking to her, she’s so troubled by this. All because Kristoff has no time for her. I have an anxiety disorder. Not a household one, no, but it’s on a far end of the spectrum of weirdness. And let me tell you: One of the most painful things for me, is anticipation. Tests? Whatever. Building is burning? Mmk, let’s take a tally of people and do what’s needed. Anticipating a phone call from a guy? I get constant adrenaline rushes. So, when a person I’m planning to meet stops replying...and not just for a few days mind you, no, for 3 weeks now...I DIE. First, I worried I’d upset him, apologized, etc.. He stopped looking at my messages completely. And I...because I had pushed him away, but pulled back, but I had pushed...he...he ran. Again. I should have known better, Kristoff, than to trust you. You fucking dipshit. I would have been FINE if you’d said you couldn’t do this with any more permanence. But no, NO, you couldn’t COMMIT to anything. You couldn’t give straight answers. For. Fuck’s. Sake. Come out and say, “There’s another girl.” “I can’t do more, I’m sorry, things are too tumultuous in my life right now and I do NOT want a relationship, but I want the week at least, that’s fine.” “I can’t do the week, I’m a pussy.” I mean, come on, you fucking child, come the fuck out and TALK TO ME. Stop ignoring me. I left you a voicemail. It KILLED me to do. Hon, I’m coming to the States to meet YOU. I planned it all AROUND YOU. And you do this. I booked the hotel and it’s nonrefundable because I trusted YOU. Even Reece is upset with you, despite knowing what this trip is for me (finding out my true feelings for everyone; yes, he knows all of this). All of my good friends are worried for me. Not a single one, NOT ONE, has sided with you, hon. Some say blot you out 100%. Some say give you time. Some say you don’t want to lose me. Truth is? NOBODY KNOWS because you won’t TALK. Talking is literally your career, you jackass fuckface. Talk to me. I have...I... I suffered so much. You...don’t even know. That first week...of you ignoring me...it broke me. I haven’t been that broken since...the last time a guy...just...ghosted me. How...can you DO this to me again... AGAIN... I... I can never, ever, ever be in a relationship with you now...you know that...but...I have the hotel. I’d...still meet you. There’s still time... So much...so LITTLE...time... But my trust in you is so shattered, the pieces became dirt. It’s gone. Just... Kristoff...why can’t you do this? Why is it so hard? Did I really do that much to hurt you? To deserve this? Is it hilarious, me suffering like this? I know you like silly shit, guess this counts. Kristoff...I don’t love you any more. Are you happy? You got what you wanted. I can’t love someone who hurts me like this, more than once. I’m not even sure I think of you as a good person any more. I... I can’t believe you. And I can’t believe any excuse you might throw at me. Busy? HA...look... If something truly dire happened...making you unable to use FB messenger...there’s wall posts, tags, and even calling. I literally left you a voicemail...a worthless voicemail, not worth the panic attack I had leading up to it. You put me through one of the worst weeks of my entire life. I hope you’re happy about that, Kristoff. Your name is like ash in my mouth now. Your words hurt. Every smile you ever have just stabs me. Every happy word is like a knife. I hate you... I hate...I hate this... I haven’t been able to cry yet. Just reply...so I can cry...and move on... I can’t live through much more of this... I’m not strong enough...

"Come between with me, I know you can," the angel spoke aloud into the trees. In the silence, the absence of wind and the faintest flicker of time, the voice echoed. She left the place she was, and at his blink, he perceived it. He felt for her thread, the tug of which pulled at hers, and followed. In a null moment, he found himself in the fog of a between realm. Nara and Rakia both had their own terms for it, but the common word to name this realm was simpy, ‘between.’ Rakia said this was where we lead our threads, a realm gifted by the Threader; Nara said this is where the Mother ended dreams and began the lives we knew. Time was stronger here, as was memory...but once one left, both weakened to near nil once more. “Have you met me, Kovu?” the voice seemed confident of the answer, but fragile despite the fact. Anzel sat upon a snowy bough, undisturbed by the cold she could not feel. Somewhere, within a few tree-lengths, he responded, “I think so, yeah…” She blinked, thoughts down below as she watched the snow fall. A tender voice parted her lips, “Was I truly worth the trouble?” “Always.” There was conviction in his tone, afraid and distant though it be. “Am...are they,” her words lilted in confusion, “like me? Different? Do they...resemble…” “There is only one out there, and yes, she is you. But they are, too. You all are.” A quick breath escaped her nose, eyelids thinning, mouth in a line, “Why can’t I remember, there...why can’t you?” “I, guess…” thoughts collected, “because people don’t remember their dreams much. The same applies to us, or, um, them. This.” “...When I’m there, I know you’re always with me. Always with the angel, never with the two-faced wolves. I’ve never met them, and I wonder if I would have been jealous, had you chosen one of them…” “One cannot love night without day, or day without night, my angel.” She blinked slowly at his words, a breath taking rest in her breast. She turned her head, trying to see the white lion against the snow, “It is...cold, up here. Come join me.” The wind, as she believed it was, was all she heard within the copse of trees and snow. “You know I...can’t, my angel.” Her blink was broken, and fell into closed eyes, defeated. “Then why did you follow?” Curiosity brooked her voice. “Why did you ask me to?” The light of a moon within seashell clouds seemed to pale her. “...to hear your voice again, Kovu.” She heard nothing; her hands cradled her upper arms, knees pulling closer. Her wings fluffed reflexively, combating a cold she would only know from memory. “The humans need us, Anzel. Two tangled pieces can’t do much alone…” “...why won’t you come to me?” Little suns shone as she blurred her eyes upon the snow. “I’ll always be here, my angel...you’re never alone. I promise you.” Her wings folded around her frame, just as her arms encircled her knees. “If...when, you learn you can fly, I’ll be...here.” And with a blink, she knew he was gone. Another, and she only knew he was within the Weave with her. The strange white lion, always watching her, but she could never quite catch him. Not as this worthless self, with dragging wings and a pointless duty. As for the lion, he watched her from afar; ears trained forward and head held low. He didn’t always remember what he was watching for, but he knew, at least… ...that it was worth the wait.

Some said she was an angel; With eyes like skylight and woody wings, Velvet in yellow ice, gleaming from the snow’s reflection Her name is Aetha; Skybourne if you press She enjoys gaming around in loops and threads And teasing those that chase her The Lione asks her her name She says, ‘Aetha,’ and no longer sleeps There is a girl named Anzel Her last name is only a guess Everyone seems to see her in some way But the only one who sees her as herself, is her reflection He’s not sure if they’ve ever even met, But he knows the angel’s dusky ash wings And primally hungers for the arbor feathers of miss ‘Aetha’ Who swears she is an angel, because that’s what people said --- Still trying new medications out. Still figuring myself out. Still world-building Alliroe, and my personal demons. Nara, Aetha, and Kovu aren’t mine, but they still bother me sometimes. I’m so tired of being abnormal...

“I’m not a dere, tsun-tsun-dere~“ “My girl’s a dere, tsun-tsun-dere~” So cute. My current earworm. There’s some fan videos of it too, I recommend you check them out as well. It’s worth listening to a few times. God...the guy’s voice is velveteen. You could melt to it.

Upon the hill she sat beside A tree forever by her side And distant still, another bloom That glowed of sun and sang of moon And blinded she, by coarse desire When back behind, there lit a fire And turned to see these trees, all new; The blooms she saw were all she knew

I know, my beauties...I have been absent. Life has other plans for me as of late, and it has been sapping my desires to write as well. I won’t let the stories die, just...for now, they’re in stasis. I promise, I have plans, just...I can’t promise how long it’ll take. Being in a depressed swing atm doesn’t help.