Writing Tidbits I'm Anxious About

(@canarycurse)

okokok so about that specifically i was imagining a scenario in which my oc M realized that she couldn't "fix" her romantic interest and has to voluntarily let go. not quite grief, because he's still alive. and exactly as she left him. but also he won't be in her life. and that's a different kind of death i think.

The way she looked at him. Like she saw something in him. Like she would lose him. She didn't look at him like one would at the sun. Blinded but curious. Admiring. Adoring.

finally all moved back home just gotta unpack (also im rearranging my room this is the optimal time to do so, it'll be so cool and awesome trust) rah rah rah

expect me to start paying attention to tumblr again lmao

anyways one of the things brought up was the general reaction people had to art featuring vaginas, more specifically i think it was sculptural and it was depicting vaginas

and i had one of my friends remark that they lowk agreed w the men because the vaginas being depicted were of like religious figures like holy mary (and also other religious figures which im not sure about but im focusing on holy mary bc lowk i think out of all the religions i at least know the surface level of christianity i think)

and hmmm we did examine that gut reaction bc like

ok bc first of all the men's reaction wasn't "omg u can't do that to a religious figure!" it was "that's pornagraphy. it's not appropriate to depict vaginas like that"

and secondly i'm not v knowledgeable on religion but like, i do know that mary was a mother

like,

her body is very much involved in religion. like she birthed a child. the child of god. and then would have had to nurse said child.

there's another statue that we talk about in art history in which it depicts the birth of jesus as laborious, as painful, mary's face is in obvious strain it's not the peaceful, delicate, or pretty scene that's usually depicted (i think said statue was beheaded?? it was v controversial)

also like abt religon and depicting vaginas

do we not depict adam and eve nude? like cherubs? those little angel guys? is the sistine chapel not covered in paintings of nude men by michelangelo?

idk also the way that like we know what a vagina looks like, half the world has them, and we know that holy mary certainly had one. so why do we treat it like it's a taboo thing to talk about or show?

and like part of the point was shock factor, to create controversy, to generate attention.

but like also.

interesting.

Like holyyyyy

Learning to love? yeah

OH! yeah

Do it all again? yeah

Like you mean it? yeah

DREAMBOY? yeah

Can't keep crying? yeahhhh

Im ngl there were a lot of red flags i ignored esp in the beginning bc my roommate is a friend and I was just like oh once we find and apartment and move in tho like it will smooth out and like

"If you actually tried-"

They are well used to nightmares. Drowning. Eaten by sharks. Struck by lightning. Shot in bed. Falling off a bridge. Dying.

What a scared child they were.

Eventually, the nightmares faded. Slowly.

The fear lingered but they no longer woke up short of breath, the faintest choked out words squeezed from their throat.

They hardly dreamt at all now.

Or if they did, they didn't remember.

But, oh.

Oh, the cruelest nightmares...

Aren't the ones that have them drowning alone in the sea. Or facing the long forgotten figure of their father. Not even the sharp words and barbs that they remember from their family.

The cruelest nightmares were dreams.

The rare dream they would have, the vestiges of it that they would remember in the morning.

He was there. In messages that never changed. In his voice. Telling them about his day and flustering so easily at even the slightest hint of provocation. His shy stutters and pauses flooding their ears. His usual self-deprecation and half-hearted smile.

They took his hand in theirs, intertwining their fingers awkwardly. It was warm. Comfortable. And they huffed at his self-deprecating manner. They called him a "good man." And he believed it for once. Relaxed in their presence. Looked them in the eyes more easily.

Sometimes they kissed. Sometimes not.

Sometimes they didn't even hold hands.

Sometimes he wasn't even there in front of them.

Sometimes when they dreamt, they only dreamt of messages, not even calls. Of that feeling of excitement and eagerness. Words typed out in front of them. Back and forths that lasted hours.

It was always him.

"Why does it have to be this way?"

like if they're straight and you're not, is looking up the sexuality and mb reading some faq's or posts about what that would entail, like is that normal or is that more rare?

if they're white do they try to understand your racial background or culture? or do you just not talk about it? and they kinda look at you like an alien w/e you haven't tried something (usually traditionally white) like constantly bc they forget that you live in a different culture at home...?

if they're male then do they not ask curious questions about like what it's like to be a woman? like periods, forms of sexism, women's fears, shit like that??? female gaze???

"And so what's your plan?"

"I mean, like I get it they want to spend time with their partner-"

and then after that i need to set up an exhibition and present my senior thesis to the department

"Are you scared?"