Allow me to apologize for this mass of canon angst ahead of time, but I have been sitting on this for a long time and I think I’m finally in a mental state where I can write this out without sobbing all over my keyboard. My disclaimer isn’t really necessary for this post, but regardless, you can look at it anyways just in case:

DISCLAIMER: This is my personal opinion. In no way am I stating what I say here is canon or completely accurate. if you disagree with my opinion, that’s perfectly fine! Everyone has a different interpretation, but if you are going to send me messages trying to argue points of view with me or send me hate messages; please do us both a favor and just don’t even bother with it. WARNING: Manga spoilers ahead. Mentions of death, decomposition stages, etc. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Also note that this is just… Rambling tbh. Like, the post is organized, but I don’t even like calling it meta because it’s really not??? Maybe it is, idk. Either way, it happened, it’s sad, and it’s getting posted god dammit.

Now then, you want know what really fucks me up the most about Levi’s incredibly horrid life? His early childhood. Knowing that not only did he have to watch his mother die from illness right in front of him without being able to do anything about it. But, also knowing that after she died, no one in the entire brothel gave enough of a shit to check on either of them despite knowing Kuchel was sick and dying, and knowing she has a little boy living in the room with her.

In the panel above, we see a woman behind Kenny, who I can only assume is one of the working ladies, and we see the owner of the brother informing Kenny that Kuchel “is no longer for sale because someone got her sick a while back.”  This makes it pretty ovbious that it was common knowledge that she was dying in her room, with her son in there with her, and it was something people working in the brothel were well aware of for a long time.

But still, despite knowing, no one fucking checked on her. Not one fucking person working there took it upon themselves to just open her door to see if she was still alive or not. To see if Levi was eating or not. To see if they were okay. You could argue that this was for quarantine purposes, but that doesn’t negate the fact that everyone working there left Kuchel and her son, a child, alone to die while carrying on with business as usual. 

The outright lack of human compassion Levi experienced right out the gate as a child is just astounding to me. Because you have to keep in mind that up until Kenny showed up, or up until Kuchel got sick, these are people Levi was around all the time. These are the people he took cues from as a child, and their treatment of him and of Kuchel were his first experiences of human emotions towards others outside of what he learned from his mother. That lack of outward compassion or even blatant noncaring is something I think shaped him into the very stoic character he is now. Because even Kenny, the murderous hardass in seek of power was far more expressive than Levi has ever been.  

Seriously though, I want you guys to let all of this sink in for a minute:

How long had she been lying in bed like that before she died, and how long had her corpse been there before Kenny showed up? Allow me to answer this for you. A really long time. I’m not going to get into the gritty details of this, but let me just say that Isayama drew Kuchel to be in the Active Decay stage of death here, which is the fourth stage of decomposition out of five. This is made apparent by the tight, dry skin, exposed teeth, etc. She had to have been dead for at least a month for her body to be in this state. 

I have people ask me all the time why I think Levi holds cleanliness in such high regard and fears germs and mold. I’m finally going to thoroughly answer this question:

Considering how neatly tucked into the bed Kuchel is with her head placed perfectly center on a fluffy pillow, and how well preserved her body is in these panels despite knowing she had to have been deceased for a very long time, I can only assume Levi did all he could to preserve her remains (i.e. cleaning her, tucking her into dry blankets to ward off insects, etc). So, not only did Levi grow up in an Underground dump full of people that were sick and dying, but he had to watch his mother wither away from illness too, and care for her despite her already being dead, and starving to near death himself in the process. Plus,it’s been shown that in the underground, it is not uncommon for corpses to be found on the side of streets and that it’s as normal as us seeing a streetlamp. The smell of death there must be something everyone living there is numb to if no one in the vicinity of a brothel noticed the stench of a month old corpse. 

Overall, Levi’s living situation was very bad, but for at least a month, Levi lived in this state:

Huddled on the floor so his mother could remain comfortable in death, as he slowly starved to death while wearing nothing but her tattered shirt. 

I’m well aware that there is no way Levi would have survived that long without water. Especially as a child. But without food? Yes. He could survive that long without food. However, considering the delirious state he seems to be in here, with his eyes bordering on death so severely that even Kenny questions if he’s alive or not, and how dry and shriveled his lips are from apparent dehydration; a few more days, maybe not even that long, and Levi would have been dead too. 

I question how old he is in these panels all the time because you’d think a child would seek help in this situation, yes? But it’s very apparent to me that Levi did not do this. Mainly because the pimp of the place and everyone working there were blissfully unaware that Kuchel was already dead and had been for a long time. Most kids would have been scared, confused, and overwhelmed in this situation. Running to any nearby adult to help them in any way possible. Plus, dying due to starvation is excruciating and very slow. So why didn’t he seek help? 

The only logical conclusion I can appoint to this reasoning from a child in a situation this severe, even if that child is Levi AckermanTM, is that in watching his mother die slowly with absolutely no offer of help from anyone aside from the pimp taking her off the paying roster; he had already concluded that no one cared enough to help him. That he was inevitably alone in this world, and that’s how it was simply meant to be.

Just picture Levi sitting in this room, tending to his mother’s corpse by himself in silence as he hears all the commotion going on in the brothel around him, knowing people are outside. Knowing that they know he’s there with his sick mom, and having them do nothing to help him or check to see how they were doing for months. Sleeping on the floor so Kuchel could remain in the bed, and simply allowing himself to rot away with her because he didn’t believe there was anything else for him to do. That there wasn’t anything else he could do. 

Imagining him, Humanity’s Strongest, in a mind state like that, ESPECIALLY as a child just kills me. The situation and realizing how severely this must have affected him as an adult. I could go on and on about this, really because it is so incredibly soul crushing. So much of what this man has gone through has just been utterly horrible. But I think, out of everything, the earliest memories of his life… Watching his mom die and accepting death in turn because he believed that’s all he could do is the most saddening to me. To know the physical and emotional pain he’s experienced, and that Levi would have died thinking no one cared about him had it not been for Kenny reaching out his hand to him really fucks me up. Especially knowing the incredible man he grew to be.

                                          C O N C L U S I O N

The trauma Levi suffered as a child is nothing short of sickening, and this only covers what he experienced in terms of his mother. The list of horrors this man has had to endure throughout his life is simply heartbreaking, and all of it shows in his personality one way or another as an adult when you really sit back and think about it.

He’s able to sleep easily and comfortably in a chair due to spending months slowly dying on the floor.

He lacks trust because, for a majority of his youth, he only saw people who thought solely of themselves. 

He’s a verbal train wreck thanks to Kenny being his only outlet for learning how to properly communicate. 

He’s bad at conveying his emotions due to being ignored emotionally.

He’s awkward in affection because he’s never truly experienced it in terms of what he can remember.  

He’s compassionate because he knows from experience how shitty it is to be alone in your suffering.

He’s numb to death because he’s lived his entire life with it, but he understands and feels how devastating it is.  

He’s violent because that’s how he was taught to survive and move things to his favor. 

Every time I see Levi in the manga, I am just amazed by him to be honest.

He is the bastard child of a prostitute that was born in the rotting dump that is the darkened cesspool of the underground city. He is someone who, as a child, watched his mom sell her body, fall ill from doing so, and slowly die without being able to do anything about it. Then chose to slowly die with her because he felt like no one cared enough to help. 

He watched Kenny - the only person to reach a hand out to him and offer him means of survival and validation as a helpless kid - leave without saying a single word. 

He watched the only friends he’d ever made living in the underground, people he considered family, die right in front of him because he made the wrong choice. 

He has watched countless innocents and comrades die, all while fighting for freedom and a better world. 

He has basically watched everyone he has ever really cared for die without ever really being able to do much about it, aside from recent events. And even then, there is no doubt it has all affected him very deeply. 

The fact that this man has managed to carry himself as far as he has in life, while bearing the weight of being a hero on his shoulders along with the lives of those lost is nothing short of astounding. He has helped so many and has done so much self-sacrificing for the sake of others and a better future, and the universe has given him little in return for everything he’s endured. And even though he has suffered so much since the very beginnings of his life, and even though he started in literally the lowest possible place in society; he grew to be one of the strongest human-beings in existence physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Kuchel would be so proud of her son if only she were still alive because regardless of everything, she brought him into the world out of love despite outside opinion, and now he’s one of the very few leading that world forward.  

I wish Kuchel could have lived long enough to see her son grow into the man he is now, but knowing the way of the butterfly effect; his life would probably be vastly different had things progressed down another path. As sad and as angry as his childhood makes me, I understand the affect it had in shaping his future. 

iamaliveandlovely:

ah yeah!