Life... are you worth it?

well, Friday morning… 3:02 am

Why am i here.. 

i’m not talking about in this cafe. 

I’m talking about in this country. in the church (that i attend). my job.. my life. 

i’ve been really realizing the importance of family. 

no matter how a church or a community of any kind says “family this family that” it really can’t replace your real family. Those people within the public community can be replaced, but your family can’t… they made you. you grew up with them..they made you grow up..you fought your hardest battles with them.. you shared moments with them that (whether you want to give credit or not) shaped you into who you are. 

once you’re shaped into something… by a family… the effects are hard to be reversed 

my job. i can relate to my coworkers to some extent.. they’re all walking in their own very different paths. i share my life with them.. with caution and a bit of fear that it won’t come to bite me in the butt. i can’t complain i guess. low hours. fair pay. i love my students. 

my life. it’s..just a mess. physical health..deteriorating. mental health.. not so stable. emotional state.. in ruins.. my confidence, self-esteem level…..long dead and six feet under. i’m becoming what i imagined i’d never be..Who’s at fault here? What’s at fault here? i wish i knew. 

oh yea..and this country. South Korea. this city..Seoul.. my neighborhood, Sadang.. i WAS sleeping like a baby until i heard some ungodly noise right outside my window and at the moment i could’ve sworn the noise was coming from inside the house.. ARGHH.. lights are still bright at wee hours of the night. this city of drunkards .. oh God.. the weekends..streets filled with trash… and students endlessly studying for… a goal that is nearly impossible.. 

here i go. Why do i notice the negative qualities rather than the positive aspects of most things…of all things.. my mind shifts..

find comfort in pain. all pleasures the same it just keeps me from trouble. it’s more than just words. it’s just tears and rain.   

Wish i could be a wanderer..

Always floating about.. From here to there.

traveling...looking at all the marvelous God and man made creations...if my heart drifts I can fly away... If there's trouble, instead of hiding, I can run away.

It's such a simple word but i think it holds a lot of brightness...life...and care..

And people take it for granted and some may just think it's annoying but it's such an inviting...friendly word

Maybe you need it to hear it today..so here it is again,love...

So just to start this off on a positive note, I’m sick.

I’ve learned throughout the years that it’s very important to clarify more and give a little bit of info after i tell ppl that “oh…btw I’m sick” and just leave it at that..

It’s non contagious..I’m not mentally cray cray…it’s probably something in my genes ( the doctors don’t know) they think I’ve had it as a child but we just weren’t aware because it was dormant…It’s an internal thing.

I’ve had it for 12..13 years now..sucks to be me blah blah

Idk why I’m sharing it here and i swear if my phone keeps auto spell checking my “it"s into "out"s it’s going to be broken very soon.

Gr