anna

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“Y/N, when you said you were serious about your training I expected I would see you there on time each morning.” The familiar lilt of Obi-Wan’s voice jerks you up from your incredibly deep sleep. You wipe away the drool from the corner of your mouth and gaze around your room with bleary eyes. 

There’s nobody there. 

Then a knock sounds from your door and you realise that your Master is too respectful to just barge into your room without permission. 

“Come in, Master.”

You hear the hiss of your door sliding open and smile sheepishly as your favourite bearded face peers around into the unhomely expanse of your room. Unlike the Jedi Masters, padawans weren’t encouraged to decorate their rooms. That’s a privilege earnt through time and experience. You’re thankful that you went to bed wearing a large jumper last night, though as you stretch the material exposes your stomach ever so slightly. 

“I broke my datapad yesterday…” You trail off, knowing that this is the third one you’ve gone through this year, “I didn’t have anything to set an alarm on.” An innocent smile graces your lips as Obi-Wan sighs, sitting next to you on your unmade sheets as he returns it with his own wry grin. 

“Whatever am I going to do with you, Padawan?” You know your Master well enough by now to be able to tell what he is feeling by the tone of his incredibly expressive voice, and thankfully right now he doesn’t seem too annoyed by your lack of care for your datapad. However, you also know that you’re treading on very thin ice, that you’re going to have to start putting a lot more effort in unless you want him to give up on you like everyone else has. 

It’s been a few weeks since you met Ahsoka which gave you the motivation you needed to get back on track. To say it’s been a hard few weeks would be an understatement. You’re up every morning before the light, fighting and learning and meditating with Obi-Wan. The two of you spend a lot of time together alone in the mornings and evenings when most other people in the temple have already retired to bed, but a lot of your time in the day is shared by Anakin - he thinks it is a great idea to train you and Ahsoka together. 

Now that was a kick in the teeth. 

You like Ahsoka, you really do, but it’s so humiliating to be trained alongside someone so much younger than you. Especially in front of the man you’re head over heels in love with. And, as another cherry on top of the cake of your shit life, the senate has been quiet as of late, which means Padme has plenty of free time to come and oversee your training sessions. Keeping an eye on the Jedi Temple, she says, but everyone sees the smiles exchanged between her and her Jedi. It makes you feel queasy. 

How are you supposed to focus on training when your biggest distraction is hanging in front of you everyday?

You have to give it to Obi-Wan, he tries his best to steer you away from the pain caused by seeing Anakin and Padme together. He stands directly in your eyeline when he knows they are near each other, so that you can’t see anything except his smiling face. When Anakin suggests lunch with Ahsoka and Padme, Obi-Wan regretfully informs him of the non-existent prior engagements the two of you have with a sneaky smile your way. 

With all the hardship of the past few weeks, you’re happy with how close it has brought you and your Master. 

“Can we just leave it for today, Master? Please.” You flop back down onto your bed, your eyes remaining on Obi-Wan as you send him your best pleading, doe-eyed look. 

“Sadly, we’ve been called away to war so I’m afraid that isn’t an option. It seems as though this is going to be a long operation. We’re first needed in Umbara, it seems as though General Krell has been executed by the clones. After that we go straight to Mandalore.”

“The clones executed a Jedi General?” Your voice is high as you stand up, heading over to your small closet and quickly rifling through your clothes to find something that would hold up for a few days. 

“It appears that he was a Separitast sympathiser. He turned two clone units against each other, forced them to kill their own.”

Your eyes are wide as Obi-Wan continues to explain the situation awaiting the two of you on Umbara, and your heart clenches as you think about what the Clones must have been gonig through during their time there. You know attachments are forbidden as a Jedi, but you can’t help the close relationships you have formed with some of the soldiers. Captain Rex is like a brother to you. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

An hour later, you’re holding onto the bar above you as your ship takes off in the direction of Umbara, Obi-Wan looking more jittery than you’ve ever seen him as he paces around next to you. 

“You okay, Master? You seem shaken up.”

“I’m fine, young one.” He dismisses you with a shake of your head, “Come with me, we may as well get some training in whilst we’re enroute.” He doesn’t say anything else, just turns away and heads out of the bridge with not so much as a glance back to make sure you’re following him.

What on Alderaan is going on with him?

His mood doesn’t let up during training, you’ve never seen him come at you so relentlessly. If it wasn’t for the fact that they knew you so well, the passing clones would probably assume that the two of you were fighting to the death in your training room. 

A cry escapes your mouth as he knocks the saber from your hand, as it clatters to the ground and rolls somewhere you don’t bother to look for, you expect him to stop. However his saber remains active, and he seems to be in a trance of sorts as he swings for you once more, only stopped from making contact with a part of your body when you swing your leg out from beneath you, causing the two of you to fall to the ground with a low grunt from him. His saber falls from his grasp in the same way yours did, and you work on figuring out how to calm him down as his body cages yours into the ground. 

The only noise in the room is the sound of you both breathing heavily, and when your eyes finally look up and meet his again you almost feel as though he has used the force to steal your breath away from you. His blue eyes capture yours, not letting up as his gaze seems to only darken the longer the two of you lay there. 

You can’t help but be reminded of a similar situation you found yourself in with Anakin a while ago, the two of you ended up tangled on the ground after a round of playful sparring. It was all heavy breathing and dark looks and you remember that all you could think was how much you had wanted him to kiss you in that moment.

So why, Maker tell, do you have the exact same feeling now? You thought that your crush on Obi-Wan had been a silly, fleeting thing back when you first began training under him. You didn’t think it would return with a vengeance, your mind silently asking him to lean down further as you struggle to pull your eyes away from his own. When you and Anakin has been in this same situation, you had hoped that he was going to kiss you, so it was humiliating when he finally tore his gaze from yours and pulled himself away from you with an awkward cough. 

You think that Obi-Wan will do the same. Of course he will, he’s the most rule abiding Jedi you’ve ever met. 

That’s why, when you feel his lips being placed softly on yours, you think you’re just hallucinating. It takes your mind a moment to catch up to what is actually occurring, your eyes fluttering shut as he pulls away and then presses his lips to yours with more fervour once he realises that you aren’t going to push him away. 

The hand that almost struck you with his saber minutes before reaches up, holding onto your jaw whilst the other keeps him steady on top of you. He breathes heavily as he kisses you, your breath minging as you savour the feeling. This isn’t your first kiss, you had snuck out to the clubs of Coruscant before and kissed random boys before, but this was different. This was your first kiss since you had fallen in love with Anakin. All those nights you had spent dreaming, hoping, praying that he would be the next person you kiss. Yet here you are, your lips moving feverishly against your Master’s as you thread one of your hands into the long hair at the nape of his neck. 

You must stay like that, basking in the feeling of each other for a good few minutes before a loud bang from the corridor snaps you both out of the spell you had fallen under. Obi-Wan quickly gets up, sticking out his hand to locate his saber, unable to look you in the eye as you slowly rise from your position. Your mouth tingles and your eyes are wide as you stare at the side of Obi-Wan’s head. 

He smooths his hand over his beard and mumbles a quick, “That shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry, Padawan.” before leaving the room hastily. You flinch at the way he says the word Padawan, like he is reminding you both that what you just did was not only forbidden but also extremely morally wrong. You’ve never been one to care about such trivialities, but Obi-Wan is definitely a fair bit older than you, to say the least. 

As you catch your breath and find your lightsaber, you think to yourself that it’s good that you were interrupted, because if you weren’t then you might’ve been found by a soldier who would’ve reported what he saw back to the council. You ignore the part of you that wishes you would have continued, that thinks of how well your lips worked together and how at home you felt with his body on top of yours. And most of all, you ignore the part of you that wonders if him kissing you had anything to do with his sudden mood change since departing for the trip.

The rest of the journey is slow and quiet, you take some time to meditate and gather your thoughts, knowing you’re in no state to be dealing with anything important right now. A soldier offers you something to eat but you have to decline, with the way your stomach is turning you know you won’t be able to stomach any food. 

Obi-Wan seems to have retired to somewhere quiet on the ship, you don’t see him until you touch down on Umbara. The capital has been captured now, and that is where you will spend the night before heading to Mandalore, however you must first deal with the execution of General Krell at a nearby facility that was taken by the clones. 

You walk silently alongside your Master, an awkward tension in the air that is an extreme change from your usual playful banter and general good moods. As you approach Captain Rex and his troopers, he shoots you an inquisitive look, which you quickly brush off with a whisper that you’ll talk to him later. 

The situation is resolved quickly, you and your Master both know you can take Rex’s word for the events that transpired, and you make sure Krell’s body is properly taken care of. 

“We’ve only got one spare speeder on us, General, so Y/N will have to ride with one of the boys.” Are Captain Rex’s departing words before his gunship takes off towards the capital, leaving you, Obi-Wan and a few more troopers to travel back via speeder. 

“You can ride with me, Y/N.” A clone who is about to depart shouts over to you, though your attempt to walk in his direction is thwarted by a sudden, harsh grip on your forearm. You turn quickly, shocked to see Obi-Wan shake his head, gesturing over to his own speeder instead. 

“She’ll ride with me.” 

The trooper offers no argument, simply saluting the two of you before speeding off towards the capital with a trail of dust in his wake. 

You notice that Obi-Wan still hasn’t directly addressed you since the incident on the ship, so you stay quiet whilst climbing onto the speeder, waiting for him to say something. A squeak leaves your mouth when you’re pushed forward, Obi-Wan’s large body enveloping you from behind as he reaches past you to grab hold of the handles, and you’re off before you can even think about what is going on.

“We need to talk when we get back.”

Are the first words spoken to you, and the last, because he quickly falls silent. Though, you can’t help the warmth that spreads through you when his chin rests on your shoulder, his beard scratching your cheek oh so slightly. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Dinner in Umbara is a quick affair, you scoff down what you can, not talking as much as usual due to your preoccupied mind. Obi-Wan disappeared after you both briefed Master Windu who is still back at the temple, and you wonder if he is off meditating somewhere, trying to reconcile for the ‘mistake’ that the two of you made. 

You’ve been fighting your own inner turmoil about the situation since it happened earlier that day. Once you finish your food, you retire back to the uncomfortable bed in a tiny room at the top of the large building, assuming that Obi-Wan has decided to forgo the conversation and ignore you altogether. 

As you lie on the hard metal, your mind wanders over the past few months. You wonder how Anakin would react if he knew you and Obi-Wan had kissed. Would he be angry? Jealous? Happy? Deep down you know you would want him to be jealous, you would want him to be angry at the thought of any other man having you in the way that he wants you. 

But he doesn’t want you in that way, you remind yourself. Does Obi-Wan even want you in that way? You know he is a well revered man, and nobody can deny how good looking he is. If he really was looking for a romantic, or even just sexual, connection he could probably find that anywhere - why would he get that from plain old you?

A pang of sadness hits your gut as you think about him regretting the kiss, returning to Coruscant and finding another girl that he would rather betray the Jedi code in order to be with. And with wide eyes and a whisper of ‘oh no’, you realise that this is exactly how you felt when your feelings for Anakin started growing stronger. Just what did that kiss stir within you, surely your years old feelings for your Master haven’t suddenly resurfaced, right?

A knock on your door startles you, that deep in thought you hadn’t heard anyone approaching your rather isolated room. 

“Y/N?” It’s Obi-Wan. 

“You can come in, it’s open.

He slides the door open, his actions sheepish and small and not at all like the overly confident man he usually is. It pains you to see him like this, stumbling and second guessing everything he does. 

“You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked when you’re not on Coruscant, anything could wander in.”

“Sorry, Master.” You’ve shuffled to the edge of the bed now, Obi-Wan sitting beside you, mirroring the exact position you were in when he woke you up this morning. Before everything turned into a mess. 

“I… I’m so sorry, Padawan. I abused my position as your Master and I never should’ve even thought about doing something like that with you. Especially after you confided in me about your feelings for Anakin, I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of your vulnerability.” His voice is so shaky that you barely recognise it, and a wave of sadness hits you when you realise that he must’ve been carrying this burden of guilt around with him all day. 

“Obi-Wan, it’s fine. You didn’t force yourself on me, I was completely on board when it happened, in fact I quite enjoyed it. I know it was wrong, against the code or whatever, but I won’t tell anybody. Please don’t feel guilty.” You make sure he keeps his eyes on you, a delicate touch on his cheek to keep him faced your way. A sigh emits from his mouth and your heart swells in your chest when he leans his head into your hand, seeking your comfort. 

“I’m tired, Y/N. This war, I’m beginning to feel it’s toll.”

“There’s no shame in admitting you need a break, Master, but it’s not just tiredness that is eating at you right now. I know you, there’s something else going on. You can tell me. Is it something to do with Umbara, Mandalore, anything?”

“Thank you for your concern, Padawan, I’m quite alright.”

“Don’t do that, Obi-Wan.” Your voice wavers this time, “Don’t use that title as a way to brush me off. Yes, I’m your Padawan, but I hope that by now I’m also your friend.”

“Jedi aren’t supposed to have friends, Y/N.”

You scoff, removing your hand from his face as you turn away from him, not wanting to look at him as he lies to you. 

“I was always jealous of him, you know.” He speaks again, after a few minutes of slightly uncomfortable silence. 

“Of who?”

“Anakin.”

You turn back, your interest peaked as he looks at you. You swallow, a blush coating your cheeks as you note that his eyes are as dark as they were before. Before he kissed you. 

“What reason could you possibly have had for being jealous of him? Oh, Maker, don’t tell me you’re in love with Senator Amidala.”

He chuckles, “No, little one, I was jealous of him because he always seemed to have your attention when he cared so little for you. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at him.”

╚═══*.·:·.☽✧    ✦    ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝

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You love tea, it’s one of your favourite reprives in the galaxy. You favourite a floral kind of herbal tea, the way it clears your mind and relaxes your muscles when you drink it is one of the best feelings you know. 

Today, however, calls for a very strong cup of caf. You sit in the bustling mess hall, watching all the other young Padawans get ready for their day, as you nurse the overpowering drink. Sleep did not come easy to you last night, you were tossing and turning and thinking and yearning till you saw the morning paint the twinkling sky of Coruscant. 

A pang of embarrassment washes over you as you remember the way you broke down in front of your Master, bearing your soul to him and telling him everything you’d been keeping pent up for months. You figure he used some sort of force trick to enable you to be so withcoming with your feelings, however you can’t bring yourself to be angry about this. You know he was at a desperate point, either you told him what was going on or he lost his Padawan at the hands of the rest of the Jedi council. 

In that moment, you had been glad that Obi-Wan was your Master, and not someone like Mace Windu. He was kind to you, not making you feel any less for allowing yourself to feel, and he seemed to understand your complicated love towards Anakin. He had allowed you to cry, placing a large hand on your cheek as your tears faded to mere sniffles. 

“I’ll get you through this, Y/N. I’m not letting you go.”

His words echo in your mind and you can’t help the small smile that pulls on your mouth at the thought that someone here actually cares about you. That’s a feeling you’ve been lacking greatly since you pretty much lost Anakin as a friend. You found it hard to mix with the other Padawans, they were all so loud and outspoken and you could never keep up with them, try as you might. You were always drowned out in conversations and left behind ‘by accident’ when they did things as a group. 

Even if it is only your Master, your kind, rule following Master, you’re glad to have someone on your side. 

A small cough pulls you out of your thoughts and you’re surprised to see a young togruta girl sitting opposite you. A smile pulls at her lips and you take a moment to marvel at the short, blue and white montrals that frame her face wonderfully. 

“Hi… are you Y/N?” She speaks softly, yet with a confidence to her words that you cannot help but admire. 

“I am.” You reply, returning her smile but not offering anything more until you know what she wants from you. A wry smile takes over her features like she knew she would to have to lead the conversation. 

“Master Kenobi sent me to find you,” She starts, and you try to stop the way your breath quickens at the sound of his name, “I’m Master Skywalker’s new Padawan, and I don’t really know many people around here. I know I’m a bit younger but… he said he thought we would get on well. Do you mind if I stick around?”

Your response is not instant, and you have to take a moment to think about what you’ve just been told. She wants to stick around with you, because she’s Anakin’s new Padawan, and Obi-Wan thinks that you will get along. 

Wait, hold on a moment. 

“Anakin’s Padawan? Anakin has been given his own Padawan? Whilst I’m still in training?” You can’t stop the angry whine from escaping your throat, only reigning in your emotions when you realise the girl looks slightly weary of your presence. 

“Yup… that’s me. Name’s Ahsoka, by the way.” 

“Nice to meet you, Ahsoka. I’m so sorry to dash off like this but I really need to go and speak with Master Kenobi. I would love you to stick around though, how about we go for dinner after training today?”

The young girl’s face lights up, and she nods gleefully, waving goodbye as you politely excuse yourself. Your pace is quick as you stride down the large halls of the Jedi temple, nodding towards Master Fisto who greets you when you pass. 

“Master Fisto, do you happen to know of Master Kenobi’s whereabouts?” You smile at the large green man, he’s always been a lot nicer to you than some of his colleagues. 

“If my information is correct, he should just be finishing up in a trade meeting near the main hall.” 

“Thank you, Master. Have a good day.” 

“I bid you adieu, young Padawan.” And with that, you’re off again, traipsing down the sunlit halls as you search for your Master. 

Since being given the frightful news that your position here could be compromised due to your recent performance, you’ve been thinking about all the things you’ve taken for granted whilst residing in the temple. Of course, there are times when you miss the greenery of Alderaan, but there is nothing quite like the ever bustling, twinkling skies Coruscant. The magnificent hallways of the temple are one of your favourite parts, the way the yellow light trickles in through the large windows reflects off the beautiful interior. 

Despite recent events making you feel like nothing but an outcast, you cannot deny the fact that this place is home in a way that Alderaan never was. Maybe it’s something to do with being around so much of the Force, but you truly feel comfortable here. You cannot let yourself throw it away because you can’t get over a silly little crush. 

That’s pretty much what Obi-Wan had said to you last night, albeit in a much nicer way. He made you realise that what you feel towards Anakin, though important to you, is not important to the Jedi’s. He gave you a day to decide where your head and your heart really lie. 

“You can stay with us, help us win this war and fight with me as my Padawan. Or you can leave, relieve the heartbreak you are feeling but you will never be allowed to come back. Anakin will remain here, excelling whilst you get a lowly job in a Coruscant bar, with a rough unsafe apartment in the underbelly of the city where you will probably forget what natural light looks like.” 

Maybe that was a bit harsh, but he meant well, you know that now. Realising that Anakin has his own Padawan whilst you’re still in training is the final straw. You’re embarrassed, you realise, that you’ve let yourself fall so far behind whilst your peers are clearly excelling. 

You spy your Master exiting his meeting, discussing something with Master Mundi and Master Unduli, both of whom nod at you politely when they see you approaching, already having realised you want to speak to your Master alone. Obi-Wan isn’t surprised to see you, and you smile when you realise he had faith in you to choose the right option this whole time. 

“I’m ready to do things properly now, Master. I may require a few extra training sessions, if you wouldn’t mind.” You scratch the back of your neck sheepishly, but soon feel more confident in your decision when you note the smile of pure happiness stretching across Obi-Wan’s face. 

“I’m proud of you for making the right choice, my Padawan. I’d be more than happy to oblige your request, I’m sure two extra sessions a week will be enough to get you caught up in no time.”

“That-” Before you can verbally respond to him, Obi-Wan’s wrist-com is beeping red, flashing incessantly and eager for him to respond to the obvious danger. Your eyes widen as you hear Anakin’s voice through the machine. 

“It was a Sepratist trap, they’ve got 200 droid units and 20 tanks. I need reinforcements.”

Obi-Wan looks troubled as he thinks over what Anakin has said, but it’s not long before he springs into action, muttering orders into his wrist while signalling for Commander Rex to wrangle up some of his troops. 

“You heard him, Y/N, let's go. We need to find Ahsoka, I trust you’ve been introduced by now, does anybody know where she is?” He speaks to the troops who have gathered around him, still standing in front of the meeting room whilst waiting for instructions. 

“I do.” You speak quietly, offering to go and find her in the mess hall. Your Master agrees, telling you to hurry and to meet him at the gunship as soon as you’ve found your fellow Padawan. 

Thankfully, she is still eating at the table you departed from not even twenty minutes ago, and doesn’t ask questions when you tell her you’re both needed on the battlefield. 

“Anakin was sent to Ryloth to gage whether the people there were becoming Sepratist sympathisers, it turned out to be a trap and now we’re headed there for reinforcements. I don’t know much more than that but I’m sure Master Kenobi will brief us on the way there.”

You and Ahsoka exchange idle chatter as you approach the Gunship ready to depart from the platform, Obi-Wan is standing in the doorway of the ship, one arm braced above him to hold him upright. You’ve never noticed how large his arms are before.

 Maker, now is not the time, Y/N. 

“Y/N, Ahsoka.” Obi-Wan nods at the two of you, gesturing for you both to join him in the ship. He indicates to the pilot that we’re all here and he holds you steady at the waist as the ship departs, leaving you all wobbling slightly on the spot. 

“What’s the sitch, Master Kenobi?” 

Your Master scrunches his nose slightly, you assume it’s due to Ahsoka’s abbreviation of the word situation, he is ever the professional. 

“It will be an easy rescue. As far as we’re aware it’s just droids and a few tanks, but Anakin and Plo were getting overpowered, we’re just there to lend an extra hand.”

The excited squeal that escapes the young Padawan surprises you, realising with a smile that this must be her first time being sent into the battlefield. You remember your first time like it was only yesterday, though it has been well over a year now. 

It was a battle on Geonosis, a large arena that had turned into a relentless battlefield. You were sent in with your fellow Jedis to rescue Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme, who had been on a mission that went awry. You found them, tied to poles in the arena, barely fending off the attacks of the savage beasts that had been set on them by the crowd. You still haven’t let them live that down, taking every chance you can to remind them of the time you had to rescue them. 

It had also been the first time something, albeit only a droid, had perished at the hands of your green lightsaber. It was one thing deflecting blasts and bombs when they were only simulations, and a whole ‘nother ball game when yours and your Master’s lives were on the line. Thankfully, you’re a lot more used to it by now, chopping down droids like you were born to do it. 

“Don’t make me regret bringing you, Ahsoka. Anakin is sure to have my head for it, he’s very protective of you, already.”

A pang of jealousy shoots through your body at this. You know it’s stupid, the girl can’t be more than 16, yet you can’t help but desperately yearn for him to be protective over you like he once was. When he used to dive in front of you in the battlefield, use his saber to shield you from oncoming droids, push you behind him when facing a menacing Sith Lord. 

It is with a small gasp that you come to a stark realisation, the reason that you had begun to slack so much since things became rocky between you and Anakin. 

You had become entirely dependent on him defending you. You weren’t doing it on purpose, like you and your Master’s had thought, you just subconsciously don’t remember how to fight without Anakin by your side. You assume that Master Kenobi has already figured this out, due to how expectant he was of your feelings towards his former Padawan. 

A thrill shoots through you at this newfound knowledge; you haven’t lost your spark as a Jedi, you simply just need to remember how to fight your battles without Anakin. You need to become an independent Padawan before you can even think about becoming a Jedi Knight. 

You look to the side as Ahsoka chats excitedly with Captain Rex, catching your Master’s eyes, seeing the small smile he is sending your way. He knows, you think, he knows that you’ve figured out what you need to do. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You wipe a bead of sweat from your forehead as you narrowly dodge a red laser, splitting the last droid in two as it shrieks at its impending death. Despite the gruelling battle you’ve just fought, your eyes glimmer with happiness as your flare returns for the first time in a long time. You made a conscious effort to stay away from Anakin during that battle, fighting instead alongside your Master like Ahsoka did with hers. 

You were surprised at how well you and Obi-Wan worked together, you both seemed to be able to anticipate each other's moves, working seamlessly around each other to eliminate as many droids and tanks as possible whilst dodging attacks on yourselves. You had let your guard down at one point, so caught in the thrill of the moment that you didn’t notice the droid approaching directly behind you until it was too late. Just when you thought you had finally slipped up for the last time, a blue light shot through the droid's body, and you saw Obi-Wan’s stern gaze as it dropped to the floor, dead. 

“Be alert, Padawan, I won’t always be here to save you.”

Yet now, as you stare at the carnage that had just taken place, you cannot wipe the smile off your face, only attempting to hide it with a bite of your lip. You and Ahsoka make your way into a nearby hut, presumably the house of a native Twi’lek, as Obi-Wan and Anakin converse with a few of the rebels and their leader, Cham Syndulla. 

“Maker, that was awesome!” Ahsoka cries, as the two of you collapse against the stone wall of the hut, giggling away at the events that had transpired. A battle with no casualties on your side was rare, but you had pulled it off today, and you can’t help but share the younger Padawan’s glee. 

“I don’t know if awesome is the word I would use to describe it, but it certainly was something.” You look towards the door at the sound of Obi-Wan’s voice, pleased to see that him and Anakin had returned. They crossed the room to where you sat, and seemingly a lot more tired than they were letting on, sat down next to you, mirroring the way your backs are resting against the wall. 

Anakin and Ahsoka begin to compare numbers from the battle, so you turn your head towards Obi-Wan to find him already looking at you, his head leaning against the wall yet lulled in your direction. You’ve never seen him look so worn out, two weeks of endless meetings and missions finally catching up on him, you suppose. 

“I saw her there on the battlefield.” He speaks quietly, his voice low as a smile quirks on his lips. You allow yourself to wonder, briefly, if he has dimples beneath that sandy beard. 

“Who?” Your brows crinkle in confusion as you try to remember if there were any other girls on the battlefield, apart from you and Ahsoka, that he could be referring to. 

“The old Y/N… and Maker, it was a sight to behold.” 

Your lip quivers slightly at this, and he notices, his eyes darting down to your mouth for a fraction of a second before returning to your own, the crystal blue gaze that perfectly matches his saber peering into your own. 

“Thank you for believing in me, Master.”

“I never doubted you for a second, Padawan.” And as his unwavering gaze holds yours, his comfortingly familiar expression as warm as ever, you can’t help but believe him. You don’t even notice the way your heart tugs slightly, like it did the first time you ever laid eyes on him.

╚═══*.·:·.☽✧    ✦    ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝

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         ╔═══*.·:·.☽✧    ✦    ✧☾.·:·.*═══╗

Your face is blank as you watch Anakin from across the room, something you’ve learnt to do from many, many months of suppressing your emotions. Though your face no longer betrays you, the way your heart swells at the sight of his smiling face reminds you of your ever present love for the fiery Jedi.

Your warmth stutters, however, when a hand is placed on his shoulder, and Senator Amidala appears from behind him with a smile full of sunshine and grace. You can’t help but slightly purse your lips as Anakin’s whole body reacts to her touch, as though she is a magnet and he is made out of pure iron.

Anakin, whilst being a great Jedi and an exceptional pilot, is not as skilled at masking his emotions. Despite it technically still being a secret, you’re sure that everyone knows of his love for and marriage to the gleeful senator. It was like a punch in the gut when you had found out about their nuptials. You and Anakin had been close friends for years, your friendship was one of those will-they, won’t-they friendships, full of flirty banter and sexual tension. You had liked it that way, you were content that way. Until the day he arrived with the joyful news that he had settled down with Padmé. That was the day that your friendship changed forever, he withdrew from you, became more distant and treated you the way a Master would treat a Padawan - holding you at arms length as though you had never been close in the first place.

It suffices to say that you’re heartbroken, and you wake up every day just as heartbroken as the last. It’s a horrible cycle that has had devastating effects on your training. You’re unfocused, unwilling to put in any extra effort, unwilling to socialise the way you used to because everywhere you go, the two of them are there, as in love as the day they wed.

“Credit for your thoughts?” The melodious voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi floods your ears as he settles himself beside you on the black lounger.

 “I’d like to think my thoughts are worth more than a singular credit, Master.” You joke, leaping to your usual defence mechanism of humor to deflect from the obvious sadness radiating from you. You’ve never met anyone as perceptive to the force as Obi-Wan, both a blessing due to his vast knowledge, but also a curse, due to the fact you can never quite hide your emotions from the Jedi Master.

You had trained under Obi-Wan at the same time as Anakin, however your recent slip ups had meant that while Anakin was promoted to the rank of Jedi Knight, you still remained a Padawan under the guidance of Obi-Wan.

 “Of course, my Padawan, I apologize,” Humor laces his tone, before he turns to face you completely, his expression more serious as he holds eye contact with you, “I do require a serious conversation with you, Y/N, about your recent performance as my Padawan. Please join me in my quarters for a drink of tea. Be there around 7. Enjoy the rest of your day, young one.”

You watch with a fond smile as the older Jedi makes his leave from the bustling room, his robes swishing behind him as he goes. Truth be told, you had harboured a crush on your Master when you first began to train under him. The first few times you met him were spent with longing gazes and a lot of lip biting on your end, but eventually your attention was captured by the flirty, playful nature of Anakin. You wonder how things would’ve turned out if your focus had stayed on the older Jedi master, you know he is very set in his ways, but you wonder if maybe something would have bloomed between the two of you. You can imagine Obi-Wan to be a very gentle lover, in all aspects, the complete antithesis to the damned Skywalker boy you had fallen for.

With a shake of your head, you banish all thoughts of romance from your mind. You’re training to become a full fledged Jedi, attachments are not allowed. That doesn’t mean other things aren’t allowed, that stupid voice in your head reminds you. No, you won’t let yourself think about such things.

              ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Your head is hanging low as you stroll slowly through the hallway of the Jedi temple, on your way back to your residence after a long day of not really listening to the things the council had been droning on about. You can tell that people are starting to notice your wavering commitment to the cause, however you honestly cannot bring yourself to care.

 A shriek escapes your mouth as a hard body barrels into your own, almost sending you to the ground had it not been for your quick reflexes summoning the force to keep your body upright. A smile forms on your lips as you hear the tell tale chuckles of Anakin, who seems to have quickly ran out from behind one of the pillars without first checking for passers-by.

“Y/N.” He breaths, an apologetic smile on his face as he gathers himself, brushing his chin length hair back into place, “Sorry about that.” His voice is sheepish and he scratches the back of his head.

 “Don’t worry about it, Ani, walk with me?” You throw out, averting your eyes as you nervously await his response. You don’t know why you even asked, you haven’t been alone with him for a while, he’ll definitely say n-

“Sure. You going back to the residences?” You nod at his question, too shocked by his agreement to form words at the moment. He sends you another smile as you start your trek back to your quarters, your legs moving of their own accord whilst your mind takes a moment to catch up with the current situation. You curse your heart for the way it swells instantly with happiness at the presence of Anakin, simply walking beside him, barely feeling the warmth of him under his robes, makes all the feelings you try so hard to suppress return to the surface.

A noise from behind grabs your attention, and the two of you turn your heads, only to be met with the sight of a giggling Padmé trying to sneak out from behind the same pillar Anakin came from. The familiar sadness hits you like a tidal wave as you face forwards once more, just catching the fond smile on Anakin’s face as he looks back at his wife. The fleeting happiness you get when you’re around him is not worth the floods of sadness that always follow, you think, as the two of you walk silently towards your residences.

“I haven’t seen much of you lately, Y/N. No one has, actually. I know Obi-Wan has been worried about you.” He speaks casually, his tone so breezy that it sounds as if your welfare never even crossed his mind. Obi-Wan is worried about you, fine. But is Anakin? He’s the source of all your pain to begin with.

 “That’s nice of him.” You muse, not even glancing in his direction as you continue walking, hoping that your upbeat tone is enough to quell any curiosity he may have. However, it is not, and you’re stopped when he tugs at your elbow, gripping onto it with a slightly lax grip as he narrows his eyes at you.

 “Seriously, Y/N, what on Tatooine is going on with you?.” His tone is firmer now, and your skin is heating at the feeling of his hand on the bare skin of your arm. You try to find your words as you gaze into his eyes and you quickly realise that you need to get yourself together, lest you want him to feel your true emotions through the force.

“Absolutely nothing.” A tight smile pulls across your lips and you wrench your elbow out of his grip, leaving him standing outside the temple with his suspicious gaze trained on your retreating figure.

 By the time you return to your room, you only have an hour or so before you’re due to meet Obi-Wan for tea. You decide that you must do some meditation before you face your Master, knowing that his concern for your wellbeing will make him more perceptive when he analyses you.

You find brief tranquility, thinking of the lush skies and soft greenery of your home planet Alderaan. It’s not long before your mind is bombarded with the images of what Anakin and Padmé must’ve been getting upto behind the pillar of the temple, stealing secret kisses and laughs because they love each other so much that they can’t possibly wait until they are in private to be together.

Jealousy rolls off you in waves, thinking about how you wish it was you that he was so desperate to kiss, so desperate to hold and be in your presence even though it is forbidden. Accepting the fact that Obi-Wan will be able to sense your negative emotions from a mile away, you begin to get ready to join him.

You’ve never been in a Master’s quarters before, so you’re unsure of whether your usual outfit is appropriate attire for the occasion. A simple tank top, usually a light colour, and matching tight pants, with a sheer sarong wrapped around your waist. Deciding that you doubt Obi-Wan will care what you’re wearing, you decide to forgo any changes. You fix your hair and look in the mirror with a frown as your thoughts take over once more.

What does Padmé have that you don’t? Is it her position in the senate? Her maturity? Her outgoing personality? You had tried to be more like her, more vocal and social in your day to day life, but by nature you are cripplingly shy, so that failed miserably.

               ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Come in, Padawan.” Your Master’s voice sounds from behind the large white door, and you wait patiently as it slides open for you at his command. He is still wearing his robes from the day, you note, as he pours two small cups of herbal tea at the small table next to his kitchenette.

All the Jedi Masters have larger, more equipped residences than the Padawans, and usually make food and eat in their own quarters rather than in the mess hall like the rest of you.

You take a moment to look around Obi-Wan’s room whilst he is momentarily distracted making your drinks. It’s very...him. He seems to have chosen to forgo the harsh, overhead lighting that adorns the rest of the residences, instead having a few dim lamps dotted around that spread a low, moody hue around the room. It is relatively clean, his bed is made, scattered with many comfy looking blankets, yet every free surface seems to be covered by piles and piles of books. You can tell that most of them are old Jedi texts, and a smile tugs at your lips at the dedication of your Master.

 It’s strange to be in here, you feel like you’re completely surrounded by every aspect of him. You can see a spare change of robes hanging on the doors of his closet, probably ready to be worn tomorrow, and the door of his fresher is slightly ajar, allowing you to peek inside if you wish to. There is a dirty plate next to his sink, he must have just finished eating before you arrived, not having time to clean the dish properly. Seeing his room like this, he seems so human to you all of a sudden. He seems so… familiar to you.

“You’re a curious one, aren’t you?” His voice is amused, and you turn to face him with a blush. He is sitting down now, in one of the chairs that surrounds the tiny table, opposite another one for you to sit on. You mumble an apology and make your way to the seat, awkwardly perching yourself on the edge of it.

 “I like your room, Master Kenobi, it’s very… homely.” He smiles at your admission and gestures to your tea before taking a sip of his own.

“Thank you, Y/N. I like to have a place I enjoy spending time, I appreciate it when I return from long missions.” You hum at his response, letting out a pleased noise as you taste the tea he prepared. It is some sort of woodsy concoction, not what you’d usually go for, but it tastes like heaven on your tongue.

“So…” You clear your throat, the anticipation of this impending conversation almost killing you, “You wanted to talk to me, Master?”

“Ah yes, straight to it then?” He looks puzzled at first, as though he is unsure of how to approach the topic, before heaving a resigned sigh and placing his tea back onto the table with nary a drop spilt, “Y/N, you had so much potential. I chose you and Anakin to train under me because I saw something in the both of you. Anakin? He was hot headed, fueled by passion and rage and I thought it a good challenge to help him control it. You, on the other hand? You were quiet, reserved, overwhelmed by your shyness but absolutely simmering with potential. And we unlocked so much of it, did we not? You were excelling, even more so than Anakin. What happened, Y/N? You can’t expect me to believe that my best Padawan forgot everything she’d learnt overnight. No…” He leans forward now, not allowing your wide-eyed gaze to waver from his as he continues with his serious spiel, “You stopped trying, you gave up. I would like to know why, and you’re not leaving my quarters until you tell me. I’ve tried to be gentle with you, kind, but the council are threatening termination of your place in the Jedi temple.”

Silence descends on the tense room as your brain struggles to comprehend everything Obi-Wan just threw your way. Of course you knew the council weren’t happy with you, you’d seen the disapproving gazes from Mace Windu and Ki Adi-Mundi, but you never even considered it had reached the point that they were considering ending your training as a Jedi, and relieving you of your place in the temple.

The only sound that breaks the silence is your breathing getting quicker and quicker, until Obi-Wan realises he needs to try and calm you down. Your anxiety is so strong he feels as though it is hitting him, and he notices the way your eyes begin to well up, and you realise with a start that months and months of pent up emotions are making themselves known right now. Right here, in your Master’s quarters.

 Luckily, General Kenobi is a master at diffusing situations, and is quick to kneel in front of you, taking both of your hands in his and gazing up at you with those kind eyes of his.

“If nothing else, Y/N, a Padawan should be able to trust their Master. Can you trust me? Whatever the problem is, it will not leave this room. I give you my word.”

You know you shouldn’t tell him, for Jedi’s should not love, but you crumble the second his thumb brushes over the skin of your hand. At this moment, you want to be comforted, and not just by anyone, by Obi-Wan specifically.

“I love him, Obi-Wan. I love Anakin so much it hurts, but he doesn’t love me, he loves her.” You sob, tears spilling freely from your eyes as you avert them from his own. When you hesitantly look back towards him, you expect him to look shocked, angry, in disbelief. Rather, he just gives you a sad smile that conveys the fact that your admission was exactly what he had expected you to say to him.

Has Obi-Wan known about your feelings for Anakin this whole time?