The Anime Binge-Watcher

"It's your memories that make you who you are."

That's a statement we heard back in episode 8 as Subaru tumbled down the stairs to his death the second time. And I didn't comment on it at the time because, well, it's obvious, right? It's as direct a statement of this arc's themes as you can get: without his memories, Subaru is no longer the same. He's returned to zero, and now must find a way to fight his way through this trial with none of the inner strength he's cultivated over three seasons. But in retrospect, there's a pretty important subtext to that statement I didn't recognize: what about new memories? After all, just because Subaru forgot his last year or so doesn't mean he isn't still having new experiences. A blank slate does not remain a blank slate for long; as long as a person is living any sort of life, they will continue to make memories, and those memories will shape who they become. In other words, this arc isn't just asking "How would Old Subaru handle the pressure of being New Subaru?" No, it's asking a far, far darker question: if you started over from zero, but things had gone differently, what kind of person would you become? And how much would it take for this Other You to be so different that you no longer recognize them?

That's not to say pre-amnesia Subaru had an easy time of things himself. We all know the shit he went through to get where he is today. But Current Subaru has been put through an Arc 3-level wringer before he even had a chance to get his feet under him. He didn't make any friends he could trust whole-heartedly like Emilia or Reinhardt. He barely had a chance to this strange new world before the slaughter started. He is, quite frankly, in the least supportive environment imaginable, at a time in his life when he was already stuck deep in the pits of his own despair. And all his attempts to make some kind of sense of this supernatural murder mystery only push him deeper and deeper into self-imposed isolation; hell, after Meili's murder, he can't even trust himself now. The memories this Natsuki Subaru is making are much, much uglier than the other Natsuki Subaru's memories. And if, indeed, our memories are what define us, then the person Current Subaru is becoming is going to look very different than the Subaru we've become so accustomed to.

It's fitting, then, that Meili's character is the catalyst for his worst turn yet. As we discover by reading her Book of the Dead, being abandoned and raised by mabeats as a child essentially left Meili as the ultimate blank slate. Since she never learned to be human, she never had any human desires or experiences until Elsa took her under her murderous wing. And, well, we all know what kind of life she lived. From the second she officially entered the "human" world, Meili's life was defined by pain and blood and hate and sorrow. Her life was defined by death, and that shaped her into a person who could never imagine a world beyond those borders. How could she understand happiness, hope, compassion, and so on if she could barely even comprehend the darkness she spent all her life within? No, Meili is what happens when you fill a human being with nothing but the worst of human experiences, leaving it no choice but to become the sum total of that cruelty. And the first time she considered maybe trying some kind of connection? She was murdered for it.

On the bright side, this at least gives us some clue to what's going on: this isn't Subaru. Not by a long shot. And I'd have to guess that wasn't really Rem last episode either. My best guess is some kind of dark spirit has been possessing people in this tower, erasing their memories as it commits evil deeds. But who that spirit might be is anybody's guess; as familiar as this creepy neck dislocation is, I seriously doubt Betelgeuse somehow found a way back from the grave. Maybe it's somehow the spirit of Flugel awakened in his dormant host? Or possibly someone entirely new? Who knows! I'm sure we'll find out eventually (and to be clear, anyone who even TRIES spoiling me on this will wake up to find their computers eaten). For now, the specifics of the mystery matter less than the emotional crux of what Meili represents: the ultimate worst case scenario for Subaru. Because if this is the kind of person you become with nothing but bad memories... what will all of Current Subaru's bad memories turn him into?

It's far from a clear-cut explanation, of course. The question of nature vs nurture makes it tricky to discern how much of a person is a result of their experiences, and how much is just innate. Even in past episodes, Re:Zero made sure to highlights how Amnesia Subaru still carries so many of his old self's fundamental kindness and compassion. And for all his current paranoia, it's hard for him to truly disengage with his old friends when they keep showing him how much they care. God, Emilia's little speech here got me all sorts of choked up. This girl doesn't have an ounce of shame or manipulation in her body; she just loves Subaru, and she knows now more than ever she needs to express that love when he's so clearly Going Through It(tm) for reasons she desperately wants to understand. But again, that just makes it harder to understand why someone like him could be worth so much to them, especially now that he has pretty good reason to believe he's secretly a murdering psychopath. Even her guileless attempt to reach him just drives him further and further into darkness.

And who should he find in that isolation but Meili herself. The specter of the girl "he" killed now haunting him like a promise that this is the path he's doomed to follow. Flattering all his worst fears, preying on his worst impulses, all but suggesting he join her in the depths of human ugliness. It's also a clever little bit of nastiness for her to call out Emilia's hypocrisy over her death: why pretend to care about her now when she was little more than a tool to them alive? I mean, sure, you can't blame them for being suspicious of the little murder goblin, and Emilia was hoping to start trying to make amends, but it's a weird situation when you don't really start looking out for someone until after they're gone. Perhaps it's a subtle suggestion that Subaru, too, might be treated differently upon his death, that even now these people are lying about how much they value him and will change their tune once he's out of the picture. Do you really think there's love for you here, pretty boy? You've known nothing but suffering and misery for years, how could you possibly believe them when they say they care about you? Just embrace the darkness and stop trying to be better. It'll feel so good to take those expectations off your shoulders.

And you know the worst part of all? We know Meili's got a point about Subaru... because we just saw firsthand how far he can fall. Remember back in episode 3 when he strangled one of his closest friends? All it took was a little witch's miasma, and all of his worst instincts twisted him into a murderer. And that was before the amnesia! That was fully-developed, self-actualized Subaru who'd faced his inner demons and become the hero he'd always wanted to be! And he still had the capacity for evil buried deep inside him! Sure, it practically took magical brainwashing to pull it to the surface, but like I said in my episode 3 write-up, the miasma's darkness was as horrifying as it was because it amplified what was already there. Natsuki Subaru, both now and in the past, both with his memories and without, has the potential to become a monster. And it's only thanks to just how damn much he's grown that this potential has remained nothing but potential for this long.

Except, of course, he hasn't grown. Not anymore. Now he's in the worst state of his life, with nothing but hardships hounding him at every turn, surrounded by people he can't emotionally afford to care about. Now he no longer has the memories that forged him into the Natsuki Subaru we know and love. Now, he's been trained on very different memories. Memories that tell him the best course of action is to become the worst he possibly can. Memories that compile and compound in darkness until what once seemed unthinkable has been repeated so many times as to be commonplace. Natsuki Subaru doesn't know who he is, and he doesn't know who he used to be.

But after everything he's been through? He damn well knows who he can become.

After all...