It'll snow in August

Not when it's my fucking father who what? Committed suicide in a forest? Accidentally overdosed? Never left any explanation for anyone

Who I have been so mad at

For what he's done to me

But yet I still decided a funeral was the best choice so everyone could say goodbye properly

Everyone, an entire family who never gave two shits about me anyway

And so he could leave in the best way possible

Even though I had the damn option to say no and let the government pay and decide everything

I'm your damn grandchild

I've taken care of all the fucking paperwork, talked to everyone

I was the one whose door the police knocked on and told me that my father had been found dead

You gave a promise to help pay the funeral

Because that's the one thing I couldn't do

But just like the rest of that fucking family you break a promise

Urgh

And now I'm left with waiting for you to pick up your fuxking phone and listen to your excuse

With anxiety blowing up my fucking body

Because I can't say no

No, I already know I'll be supportive, understanding and tell you I'll take care of the rest

Because his fucking child

My father screwed me over so hard

That saying no, keeping him to his promise

Is fucking impossible

All while I'm still stuck dealing with the emotional train running me over every night with haunting images of all of this

so what do you do when that someone has a name you haven’t said for years and that funeral forces you to talk to people you haven’t spoken to in years

so what do you with all those emotions that runs around inside you 

those of regret 

those of numbness

those of worry 

so what do you when that someone is your father 

and that father treated you and your family like no one should

but yet does that father deserve to end like this

Throughout a life many lies escape with all But a smile  They can be small, quick and some even become part of your perception of self You say them for many reasons  Some you repeat  And some you barely remember once complete  As a young soul you are taught not to lie But fast you understand that sometimes A lie is necerssary to get out or away To re-define yourself when no thinks You are worth their time As time pass and you have said and Altered the lie you suddenly find yourself Thinking ‘Is this even a lie?’ You remember that it is

Something breaks  Something shakes your perception of self And as times flies by  You suddenly realize what started out  As a lie is no longer  Just a lie  It is you - you are the lie You live your life as a lie 

So you begin to wonder And that wonder turns to into a fear  Of what you have become  Who are you? Does anyone know? You try to get rid of the lie To be honest, to be open  You apologize  But no one hears it  How could anyone hear a voice merely a whisper? You find yourself unable to say it, to shout it  Unable to tell anyone who you really are And why you made it all up But it only strengthens the lie  The lie is no longer a seperate part of you  It is you  You are a lie