Beetlebabes Blog

Because you are into Marvel, I was wondering if I could share/tag you in this Loki song I wrote? And if you have any type of creative stuff such as art or fics, we could have a look/share? ^_^

There is a chance that I have throat cancer. I’ll be getting the results in less than two weeks. I haven’t told my family or friends in real life that it’s a possibility. Do I tell them that I might have it or not. And if I do get have it, do I tell them?

I don’t like people worrying about me. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about other people because I felt responsible for their happiness and if anything went wrong in there life, it was my fault. I can’t imagine placing that worry on my family and friends. Especially my best friend who lives in another state.

For the first question: tell them I’m getting tested for it or not.

One the one hand, I want them to be prepared for the worst. Currently they all think I’m feeling terrible because of allergies (I’ve been sick since March and we don’t know what it is) and that’s why I haven’t been doing much with them. I don’t want them to go from “oh she has allergies” to “oh she has cancer” in an instant. It feels wrong to keep them out of the loop.

On the other hand, if it turns out I don’t have it, it’ll look like I just tried to pull the sympathy card. Some of them aren’t convinced I’m actually sick and I’m just using it as an excuse to...well honestly I’m not entirely sure why they think I want to be in the position I’ve been in. These past months have been horrible. But it’s also just kinda wrong to scare them with that if it’s not true. I don’t want to do that to my mom. Her job is already so stressful and her 5 kids don’t make it easier. I don’t want to say “I might have cancer” and give her two weeks of worry over nothing. Or worse, give her two weeks of extra worry if it’s true.

But it still feels wrong to keep them out of the loop. Like they should be prepared for the worse.

I’m worried about my family. I’m not really worried about me. I already had two live threatening situations earlier this year so I’ve already made my peace with my mortality. Yeah that’s a little dark but I worked in a nursing home-you keep comfortable with the idea of death. But I don’t want to die before my mom. My mom is the nicest and greatest woman alive and she loves all her kids so much. And I don’t want her to go through losing any of her kids or fear for any of there lives. Is it wrong to keep this hidden from her as I get this tested?

There’s also the matter of my best friend. We’ve been friends since we were 10. When I moved to a different state, somehow our friendship became even closer. She really is the best friend I could ask for. But she gets really worried about me. And yeah, I get worried for her as well. She says that she wants to know how I’m doing, but I feel bad about putting this on her. We don’t know the results yet. I don’t want her to worry over nothing if it turns out I don’t have it. But I feel like I’m betraying her trust and acting like I’m alright.

And do I tell her if I do have it? I would have to, wouldn’t I. I just...I don’t know if I would have the strength to do that. Saying “I might have cancer” is a lot easier to say than “I have cancer”. There’s fear in both, but there’s more hope in one than in the other. We live in different states. I’d basically be telling her a problem that she wouldn’t be able to fix. We tell each other a lot of problems, but most of them are emotional or mental, not physical. But I don’t think I can tell her this one, no matter how much I want to confide in her. She’s always the one that helps me through things. She was my strongest support system when I was working through my old eating disorder. But I can’t rely on her to be my support system now. That’s too much to put on someone.

But it’s also wrong to not tell her. It fills people with guilt about the things they should have done and stuff like that. I’d be pissed if she had cancer and didn’t tell me, so no doubt she’d be pissed if I didn’t tell her.

Either way feels selfish.

I just needed this off my chest. It’s not like I can ask my support system what to do because it involves them.

Hey guys! So some of you know I have an Etsy account and I’ve decided to sell my sandworm necklace. There are only a few available. And please check out the rest of my Etsy as I have some new stuff up there. I got fired from my job due to health reasons and Etsy is my only income right now so any little bit helps. Thank you so much!