gigi.

So this is actually quite long overdue!

It feels almost like annually during spring I have a crisis of sorts. Maybe it’s related to romance (the most unnecessary crisis) or career (the most difficult to resolve crisis). General update on romance: I don’t think I have to worry about it for a long time. General update on career: fuck

Anyways I feel like I’m in a bit of a hole. I feel like I, despite making the most money I have ever made in my life (that is NOT a flex, I am NOT making that much money, it’s just relative to when I was a full time student), feel inadequate as per usual.

Here I am trying to apply (for the LAST TIME) to medical school, trying to study for the MCAT while working full time, and also find a job for myself after September. Strangely enough, all of the work isn’t what has me feeling weak and like I can’t do anything, but it’s the times when I am thinking too much about the life that I could’ve had if I decided to never pursue medical school in the first place. I think I could’ve been working in translational medicine, doing something really cool, worked in industry, done a few internships whatever, but I didn’t even really consider that as an option.

I feel like a lot of the time I am chasing after some ill-defined form of success that I can never quite grasp. I think that I just have gaps in my knowledge that I will never quite fill. But that’s just what it’s like being 24. No, it’s not like high school where it feels like the whole world is going to collapse if I don’t figure it out, but it still feels like I’m falling behind somewhere. Comparison is the killer of joy or whatever it is they say, and now when everyone’s out here going on trips and having successful careers, I’m feeling inadequate despite having completed my MSc, published over 5 times, and have a fulfilling relationship with my family, friends, and partner. I think honestly, I want to have some time for me after I’m done this rewrite and application cycle. I want to have some time to just learn who I am, to find out what I need to feel fulfilled, and rediscover what it’s like to have hobbies and passion again.

as you go through it, you can see the different stages of the men i have been involved with. you see the music that i added to my playlist because they sent me the link to the artist. 

I am pretty much over it now. I don’t know how this happened so easily, but here we are now. part of it is definitely because of what he did after the second talk and the second “breakup” but it’s been nearly a month and i am quite literally thriving. I decided to make a little advice post for future ange in the case that she needs guidance on what to do to try and move on from heartbreak as inspired by dua lipa’s new rules: 

1) don’t pick up the phone: delete the contact. if you don’t want to block, delete. it’s actually better that i deleted and didn’t block bc now his contact information isn’t even on my phone anywhere. you can’t keep talking to them if you’re trying to get over them, that’s not how it works, you need to heal yourself and you can’t do that if you’re slicing yourself with the knife that is their company every single time you want to tell them something bad that’s happened to you (or, as i’ve found to be more challenging, when you want to share good experiences with them).

2) don’t let him in: this one i have to be more poetic about because why would i let my ex anywhere near my home lol :) anyways but this is more related to don’t let him string you along and don’t string him along. don’t let there even be a SLIVER of hope. it is not necessary or healthy for you OR for the other person. cut it off. say we’re broken up, say it’s over, say whatever you need to say and finalize that shit and say we are not revisiting this. yeah, sure “if we change and become different people years down the line” whatever, but you won’t become that different person if you don’t accept that its over right now. do better.