nirvana junkie

♡ i crawled into your bed like it was an altar.maybe if i curled small enough you’d worship me instead of walk away. i said stupid things like “do you love me?” while the tears blurred your face and i couldn’t tell if you were smiling or panicking. maybe i wanted to ruin the moment. maybe i just wanted to see if your love could survive the worst of me. the ugly, the insecure, the part of me that begs to be destroyed just to feel something again.

♡ you looked at me like i was art. not the kind behind a glass — the kind you touch. trace. rearrange. i want you to tear me apart like a poem that makes no sense until it’s read out loud. i want your hands in my hair, your voice in my spine, your future carved onto my skin. i want your last name stitched into me like a secret promise. i want the type of love that drips, that stains, that lingers even after the sheets are cold.

♡ you didn’t want to fuck me when i was falling apart. you didn’t touch me when my body was trembling and all i knew how to say was “do you still want me?” and that silence broke me more than any bruise ever has. i’m used to being devoured, not protected. so when you kissed my forehead and told me to sleep, i cried harder. because you didn’t want my body — you wanted me. and that scared me more than anything.

♡ i thought i could only be loved naked. not emotionally, but physically. stripped down and trembling and submissive. but you kissed my hair and held my hand like those were the most sacred parts of me. you said i was enough even when i felt like too much.and my whole identity is crumbling in the safety of your affection. who am i,if i’m not being used? who am i if i’m being loved?

♡ i used to think love was being torn open and left bleeding. that affection had to be earned by suffering. but you just come home. every day. no chaos. no cruelty. and it terrifies me. because if this is love, then what was everything before? what did i survive, calling it devotion?

♡ i wanted to be devoured, not because i liked it, but because i didn’t know how else to prove i existed. pain made me legible. now you touch me like a hymn. like i’m already forgiven. and it sickens me — how badly i want to deserve it. how i want you to stay even when i rot.

♡ i tried to seduce you the way i always do — with tragedy, with torment, with beauty wrapped in a wound. but you wanted none of it. you wanted me in the morning light. yawning. half-awake. vulnerable. and that felt more intimate than any nakedness i’ve ever offered.

But every time I love, I feel myself shrink.

I become delicate, digestible.

I speak in whispers and smile like I don’t bleed.

And when it ends, I’m left with an echo.

Of the girl I pretended to be,

not with hunger, not with impatience, but with the reverence of someone trying not to break what’s already broken. sifting through the broken shards ever so carefully not because he was afraid to get hurt but because he didn’t want to break them even further.

i didn’t know what to do. so i laughed.

he asked, “are you okay?”

-> maybe if i rip my skin open and show him the soft pulsing heart underneath. he’ll finally look at me properly. maybe then he’ll stop mistaking me for something easy to love.

-> you say you love me. but you love the version that doesn’t ask questions.the one that swallows her sadness whole and smiles even as it chokes her.

-> i give and give and give and give and give until i’m just a puddle on the floor. and you walk through me without even looking down.

-> i try not to bleed on my new love,but the bandages keep slipping. i don’t want to be the girl who brings ghosts into the room.so i smile.say i’m just tired.i’m always tired of having to love carefully.

I love you I love you I love you I love you

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

so many times I forgave you hoping that at some point you’d feel sorry for me and you’d change and you’d stop hurting me…but two weeks after my goddamn birthday you looked for someone else. Once again you’ve humiliated me. Once again you showed me how much you disregard my feelings. You knew I would forgive you again and again. You called me names. You shouted at me. You made me feel small for things I should’ve made you feel small for.

and the silence that follows is crushing. i see your arms reach out towards me and i collapse inside them. I love you I love you I love you I love you i love you