эмоция

For someone like me, to take a liking of someone you have a crush on for nearly 2 year-ish. I thought I would never feel a thing, not even a slight or a glimpse of it. Seems like to me, the past that I've been going through was the last time that I would fall for someone, I thought everything would be last for me, and that's pretty much it, living life with loneliness.

And all of a sudden this girl appears out of nowhere, again, just like some secret service agent undergoing a covert mission. I had a crush on her simply because of how comfortable I am while talking with her, either it's on a chatting app or meeting her face to face. Last time when I just can’t contain myself about how I like her so much, I told myself that I have to give her a gift on her birthday no matter what! That's the extent of my courage I can show to her back then. Those feeling remain the same until now, I don’t know why.

I thought to myself, I don’t know when will be the last time I will ever meet her again or had a chance to talk with her face to face. Should I confess my feeling? Is it okay to do so? I thought about it for almost 2 weeks, and mustering up my courage for this is hard. And I also thought that after this maybe we will go our separate way, maybe even becoming strangers, so there will be no hard feeling between us. 

It was sudden, but I can finally confess my feeling towards her. All my expectations turn wrong, something unexpected turns into something I can't possibly imagine. "Let it flow" she says, What?! what kind of sorcery is this, am I dreaming or what? What the fuck? What did I hear just now? What I had expected in my head that time was "What? You have that kind of feeling? No, stop right there, stop meeting me, and let's just say that we never know each other to begin with." All those scenarios in my head turn out to be gibberish and somehow it turned into a happy ending. Suddenly my life is brimming with joy and happiness, god knows why.

Sore kemarin tak mendung dan sunyi.

Biasanya jalan selalu sunyi, hanya diisi suara pohon bambu yang dihantam angin kencang, sesekali terdengar suara anak kecil yang hanya sebatas melewati rumah, sekejap berteriak sembari mengejar temannya.

Jalan yang biasanya begitu sunyi dan sepi, seketika ramai dan hidup.

Suara gesekan bola, pijakan kaki-kaki kecil tak beralas diatas beton, gelak tawa tak terhenti.

Ever since the Pandemic start, I stay at home, I never go outside to play, only if I have to buy some food or groceries. Maintaining myself mentally, while everyone is still going out and you can’t is hard. The first 2 months isn’t hard, it’s easy to be honest. I can still workout on my bedroom, enjoying sunlight bashfully, working on my assignment and project easily, and playing games is still fun, but I uninstalled my Instagram because my jealousy over people who can go outside is unbearable. Going for the third and fourth month, everything’s change, well I still can hold myself for going outside, but this jealousy and stress is building up inside of me. It’s easy for me to get a headache, but I still can manage those stuff, well I barely hanging there, but I still can do it.

The fifth month is challenging because I physically and mentally drained, can’t workout because I don’t have the mood. People at home are spewing out negative thoughts and they are so toxic at this point. In the sixth and seventh months, I cannot hold it anymore, I’m so stressed and demoralized that all I can do is sleep because all those things that I normally do is Boring. I argue with my parents a lot, like why can I go outside, while other people can? Why you always seeking to argue with me even though you know that I’m is so depressed? I never ask anything from them, money, stuff, no, I just want to go outside even just once. And well, I think they are not hearing me but they are ACTUALLY hearing me out, asking for their permission is complicated and take times, like a lot of time wasted to just waiting for the answer. And I’m officially breaking my streak of staying at home for almost 6/7 months??? I don’t know. But it takes a lot of time to achieve this.

And everything is crystal clear, I still remember the exact word I spoke, the sentence I messaged to you, high voice that I spout you direct/indirectly, every bad word or threat, and even any action that potentially hurt you. I still remember everything. Even though I’m asking you for forgiveness a few years ago, and you tell me “I already forgive you, you should Forgive yourself” remember that? Until now I still can’t forgive myself wholeheartedly, even though you already forgive me for that and we've both moved on and live our separate life. Living along with that past is hard, it’s morally burdening me. It’s not your fault, but it may be just a burden that I have to carry as long as I live. And knowing the result that I made to you now, through your writing that I read, I lost of the word, it makes me hurt more.

Few months with you, it’s been a blast, you are the nicest and kindest people that come to my life as I live and breathe. But, you’ve done nothing, you’ve done nothing to harm me. For all this problem I caused you and makes you feel a horrible life, you’ve done nothing, all this problem is not your fault, it’s just me, I was being an asshole, Indecisive, Ungrateful for what I had, always find my mood swing as a justification for my act of rudeness, being a hypocrite. Please don’t think and question yourself like it’s your fault because it’s not. It is MY fault.

Now I’m just completely clueless, I can only sit still while silently reading your writings. All those happened because of me, and here I am, can’t even do any single thing because I know we are just a complete stranger now. I tried to think about every possibility that I can do to repaying the sin that I’ve been committed.

But a friend said this to me, “It’s good to acknowledge your own mistake and remember all those bad time to contemplate and makes a better version of you. But making yourself look low, questioning yourself, and blaming yourself everytime isn’t gonna fix yourself either, instead it will hurt you even more. The scar will get even deeper without you knowing.”

Trying to change this kind of mindset is hard, human can be much more impacted by negative event. But you should try to overcome it. This kind of thing is a complete shit, but at least, you have to try.

See the bigger picture. You are worthy of everything, and you are deserved to be happy. All those problem, aches, and insecurity is a real deal but also a bitch. Time won’t heal if you didn’t try anything. But well it’s also take time, won’t lie (Like time will heal but if you don’t do anything the time also won’t heal you so its kinda stupid here, but it’s just a joke) It takes a week, month, or even years. But the result can be wonderful when you put a lot of effort in it.

Bad & Hurtful,

Well, these days, the mood seems strange. I repeatedly relive the day we were done. The dusty-memorable box. The flower that withered on the plastic vase. The sad-surrounding atmosphere. Out of all the things happened, that was the most pitiful event. Being bounded by the cold-rainy mood of December, the intriguing moment and sorrowful feeling, those are no longer mine since ‘we’ also no longer exist. I still waiting for that day, when the memories slowly gone away, daringly alone. I keep asking myself “How many traces of yours did I find so far” Without ever knowing that I shouldn’t. Even when I suddenly remembered and found it, I tried to look away, making it unnoticeable. 

The memories vividly flash before my eyes, when they’re about to be forgotten, is it this hard for me to forgot? I did the part of forgiving myself but why it’s not progressing. Suddenly I think Even during the few months that you took care of me, I guess you kept preparing yourself for it to be over, away from this fool who mentioned love without knowing what the meaning of love itself. For some reason, in the last few months my heart pound stronger than before, well maybe you felt more anxious back then. I keep the promise not to leave, even if its just me, and it’s pathetic. I’m being too greedy there. And in the blink of the eye, I let our relationship go, I didn’t realize it. After a series of endless questions for a reason and faults. That I, who are looking for reasons and faults, am the reason and the fault.

Your voice lastly saying you have to go now still remains, everything still remain at it’s place. 

The time I spent has left an Indelible imprint on my mind. Yet I also feel sorry and bad with this kind of memories.

You deserve all the love, with someone as nice and kind as you, you worth it all. Questioning yourself on "how and why" won't get you anywhere you wanted. Because all this time, you are just being you, being kind and humble, it’s just me.

Aku mengagumimu tanpa alasan,

Bak intan yang tanpa cacat, tanpa cela,

Sukma indahmu, semoga bersarang,

Tetap disitu, dibenak-ku,   

Terpatri, utuh tak terganggu.

Tak apa, tak perlu memahami puan,

Namun aku ingin berumpama,

Bisakah kita, berdua?

Menjalin cinta bak Troilus dan Cressida?

Tanpa ada Diomedes diantaranya?

Semoga.

It may be misery not to sing at all, And to go silent through the brimming day; It may be misery never to be loved, But deeper griefs than these beset the way.

To sing the perfect song, And by a half-tone lost the key, There the potent sorrow, there the grief, The pale, sad staring of Life’s Tragedy.

To have come near to the perfect love, Not the hot passion of untempered youth, But that which lies aside its vanity, And gives, for thy trusting worship, truth.

Then what about your friend whom want to be cared? It’s uncoditional, when we never get all the positive, never get cared mostly from every mortal you know. They just care about themselve, and they’re just idiotic people i know the most.

This, this indeed is to be accursed, For if we mortals love, or if we sing, We count our joys not by what we have, But by what kept us from that perfect thing.