No One Is Finer Than Neil

The use of different languages in aftg is low key genius. The twins are taught German by Nicky which is an active choice that makes them closer. Jean teaches Kevin French, sharing a part of himself that is trying to be erased. While Neil already knows both French and German because there is some sort of invisible string tying him to them (like the misplaced forever partner thing). And on the evil side of things only Kevin, Jean, and Riko know Japanese because they are unfortunately intrinsically connected by their time in the nest.

we talk a lot about how much of a revelation andrew’s confession is for neil, and not enough about how revelatory neil’s reaction is for andrew. because like. imagine you like this boy. but he doesn’t swing. you know the answer would be “no,” so there’s no point in even asking. then he goes and gets himself needlessly tortured for you, and tells you there’s no amount of suffering he wouldn’t endure for you. not because he thinks you’re weak, but because he thinks you’re worth protecting. he says things that you would interpret as advances if it were literally anyone else. you remind yourself that he doesn’t swing. now you’re at eden’s and he’s asking about your feelings for him in 12 different ways. he really wants to know. so you tell him, in the most casual and crass way you can, thinking that’ll put an end to it. but unfathomably, it doesn’t. he asks you why you didn’t tell him. why would you have? it would have been a “no.” you say that, and instead of confirming it, he just echoes your words, clearly still reeling. you start to leave, and he tells you that he wants to keep playing your game. while the absence of a “no” is obviously not the same thing as a “yes,” you’ve been operating for months and months under the assumption that the answer would be unequivocal. so you keep waiting for that answer, but it never comes. for the first time since you met him, you wonder if maybe it’s not a “no” after all. if maybe you could have this. you can’t remember the last time you were able to have something you wanted. the world tilting on its axis, indeed.

i have this theory that jean's big cathartic moment at the end of tgr when he breaks down and admits he didn't deserve the sexual abuse he experienced is actually preceded by a more subtle version of this moment, one made possible by the fact that it involves the only other person who can understand what he's been through. when andrew realizes that neil could have been similarly abused at evermore, he asks jean to confirm or deny it. jean tells him that it would not have been an appropriate punishment for neil, and andrew, clearly shaken and unimpressed with this answer, presses the issue, asking what circumstances would have made it appropriate. it is jean's response to this that i find most revealing: he says, "you of all people should not have to ask." yes, this is a pointed reference to andrew's own experiences with sexual abuse, but what is jean actually saying? i think he's saying, "you of all people should know there is nothing that could possibly justify it. of course there isn't. but your abusers will tell you there is, and you'll believe them because how else can you make sense of what is happening to you." after he says this, jean digs a thumb into andrew's wrist and drags it up his forearm, where he knows from riko that andrew has self-harm scars. this is him driving home the point, saying "you've had to do things to survive too." because that's what jean's deep-seated conviction of "deserving it" is— a survival mechanism. and at the end of tgr, he finally feels safe enough to let it go.

a few months ago i submitted a draft of a kevjean fic for a fiction writing class and my professor (who had never heard of the aftg books in his life btw) gave me some of the most INSANE feedback ever....because what do you mean "we're getting kevin's idea of jean, the absence-shaped jean, the jean whose success kevin made possible by sending him away" and "jean is a person, not a wound kevin is still tending" and "kevin and jean share something that can't be named because its context was unspeakable" and "kevin understands the grammar of the nest: you can protect someone only by protecting them sideways" and "someone who is both present and unreachable. that's kevin's situation with jean." what the fuck. what the actual fuck. i'm going to throw up.

jean perfectly stripping dark box dye from neil’s hair and bringing it back to its natural red having done that precisely 0 times before and carrying it out with no help, no sleep, and only the lighting of a dark ass basement over the course of a single night is just proof that jean really can do absolutely anything that he puts his mind to

kevin day should’ve been an ancient greek tragic heroine and instead he got stuck in a self published 2010s contemporary sports/crime thriller… and he didn’t even get put on the woke team so he doesn’t know about estrogen or bisexuality

Imagine you’re a seasoned fbi agent trying to take down the literal mafia and your key witnesses are 2 asshole 19 year olds who refuse to let themselves go into witness protection bc then they can’t play their college sport. Let’s just say that Agent Browning should count his lucky stars he hasn’t discovered how Kevin Day connects to all of this bc he would not leave one conversation with Kevin with his sanity intact

nicky hemmick got himself out of an abusive home and found somebody he loved and who loved him back and then he gave it up to go back and make sure that his cousins didn't go through what he did. that's my one and only take. nicky hemmick you made a home that was safe for two kids who were ready to give up on a world that had only ever hurt them. you barely knew them but you knew they were family so you took three broken pieces and you made a whole. you made a house that was quiet at night, with doors that could lock and a table with food and it took years for them to come around but they did and you waited and you never fucking gave up on them not even when everybody else did. you built them somewhere safe.

The moment you realise andrew wasnt planning on surviving the crash with tilda is not for the weak

sometimes I think about how Wymack made the foxes because he never wanted another kid to go through what he did only for his own son to qualify. and then i stare into the sun

sometimes i think about how neil probably went days without speaking to another human being before becoming a guy who literally couldn't keep his mouth shut if his life depended on it in contrast to an andrew who literally couldn't shut up bcus of the meds before returning to his normal state of 'i speak to 3 people and one of them is my therapist' and its just like wow. andreil.

In exchange for reading aftg, Nora takes your soul for approximately 10 years that’s why it’s the only thing on your mind. That’s also why the digital copy is only a dollar. Hope it helps.