Visual Practice

Over the span of 4 years, I struggled with eating disorders which I often ignored and did not see as a problem because I was a heavy child. By the age of 13 I was at the gym every evening, restricting my food intake, comparing myself to everyone else. Scared of any foods that wasn't in my daily routine. Once I couldn't keep this up I stopped going to the gym but only allowed myself 700 calories a day. This became difficult to keep up and I would then binge eat, which soon led me to a long battle with bulimia and joining pro anorexia and pro bulimia websites and chatrooms.

It was drilled into my head that my worth was determined by my weight, I was happy once I wasn't the largest person in the room. I was ashamed of who I was.

Throughout this project I will be focusing on my own personal struggles with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, fat phobia and my own process on learning to love myself.

I intend on addressing my younger self in this project. Warning my 12 year old self of what is to come. often we miss ourselves from when we were younger and pure, but, I want to show that even though I have struggled and I am no longer as 'innocent' as I once was I still love myself through every step of my downfall and recovery.

I have found inspiration in artists like Lucien Freud, Jenny Saville and Gillian Wearing. I have explored different sides of this fat phobia debate from not only my own perspective but from others who perhaps take it to the extreme and label dieting as hateful or people who believe fat people must diet. I found that Podcasts were helpful with this as you get to hear others opinions on this matter. I also found inspiration in a variety of music and songs. A lot of them potraying how others have struggled similarly to myself.

Throughout this work I am addressing myself as the stranger as my younger self would not recognise who I became

Born the 8th of December 1922 until 20th of July 2011, Freud lived as a painter and draughtsman. He was born in Berlin the son of Jewish architect Ernst L. Freud and grandson of Sigmund Freud. Freud’s family moved to England in 1993 to escape the rise of Nazism and Freud served during =the second world war in the British Merchant Navy. 1942-1943 Freud attended Goldsmith college London

Freud’s work specializes in figurative art and in his early career his work was influenced by surrealism. By the early 1950’s his usual stark and alienated paintings took a turn towards realism. Due to Freud being a private man his work was mainly of close friends and family. His work is generally somber and simply impastoed, set in unsettling interiors in urban environments. His work has a psychological penetration of discomforting examination. His work challenging the relationship between artist and model, often working from life studies. Freud makes his works seem like the subject is uncomfortable by getting the model to sit for extended times in punishing positions. 

‘Benefits supervisor sleeping’ (1995) is an oil on canvas of a heavy naked woman laying on a couch. The woman is Sue Tilley a job supervisor (this implies contrast in professionalism). He uses muted tones to create a dreary atmosphere, the use of the old looking couch assists in making this look as though there is a somber atmosphere. With her face squashed against the couch this makes Tilley look as though she is uncomfortable. Tilley appears to be asleep this creating a sinister atmosphere as she seems unguarded, suggesting perhaps the artist has snuck up on her. Freud painted several large-scale paintings of Tilley –often nicknaming her ‘Big Sue’. ‘Its flesh without muscle and it has developed a different kind of texture through such a weight-bearing thing’ –Freud. This painting held the record in 2008 for the most expensive painting sold by a living artist.

‘Sleeping by the lion carpet’ (1996) is another oil on canvas which uses distinctable brush marks in the background but uses soft and delicate brush strokes in the foreground. This contrasts as a woman of Tilley’s size is often not described as ‘delicate’. Freud uses soft pinks. Browns and whites to create dimension. Freud carries on the sinister atmosphere from ‘Benefits supervisor sleeping’ as Tilley still appears to be sleeping, making her vulnerable and exposed. Her sleeping contrasts with the lively patterned wallpaper behind her.

I was inspired by the way Freud makes Tilley seem dainty and romanticises a body which is typically not used to paint from. His delicate brush strokes make her seem fragile and delicate like a flower, this is something which she would never be described as.

folded paper form

rose. beautiful and fragile

Envelope task.