* tiniest lifeboat.

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And I will hold on to you.

Summer of 85 (2020) dir. François Ozon

– Marcel Proust

Saw the most aesthetically pleasing book store in Amsterdam today

“i saw you talking to some of the tourists,” david said, trying to put on an air of indifference as he placed a cigarette between his lips. however, the way he refused to look directly at alexis said exactly what he wouldn’t admit – that he was jealous. “are you going to meet up with them later? people who go to that club usually hook up a lot,” he noted, flicking the ash from his cigarette aggressively. “hook up culture isn’t really for you – you’re too sentimental. but, maybe it will be good for you to mess around with someone who isn’t me.” david’s jaw clenched. he didn’t want alex to be with anyone else but him. but, david had himself to protect. if he could wean himself off of his dependency for alex by convincing the other to go out with others, then letting go of alex would be easier. 

initially, alexis was quick to give a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders as he recalled the conversation that he had with some tourists earlier that day. “i didn’t really give it much thought… it’s not like i get invited out very often.” but the moment david began to encourage and entertain the idea of him going out to the club, he swore he could feel his stomach drop. his lips pursed into a thin line as he scanned the other’s features over, “you think it would be good for me to go out and hook up with someone else…?” his jaw subtly clenched as he turned away from the other, his throat feeling suddenly tight. “fine—” it was as if he had something to prove, to show that he wasn’t as fragile and sentimental as david viewed him. “i’ll go.” his jaw clenched as he ran his fingers through his hair.

a shaky breath escaped scho as he climbed through the other’s window. he should have just called ahead of time, or left alexis to sleep peacefully. but, he needed to see the other and alexis’ window was open – unfortunate in the sense he couldn’t throw a rock at it, fortunate that it was almost an invitation to come through. he carefully curled into the other’s too small bed, arms possessively and desperately wrapping around alexis’ smaller body. he buried his face into the crook of alexis’ neck, trying to force himself to relax. “i’m sorry,” he whispered against soft flesh. “it’s been the first night i haven’t had a dream about him. instead, it was of you. i was holding you, and you were leaving me,” he explain, his voice breaking. his eyes stung, but he refused to allow himself to cry. “i had to see that you were okay.”

the sudden arms wrapped around his torso was enough to snap alexis out of his blissful sleep, his fuzzy mind kicking into panic mode. he had failed to remember that he had decided to sleep with the window open, the lack of air conditioning causing him to overheat at night more often than not. but the moment he heard the other’s voice, he let out a shaky sigh of relief. he gave the hands that clung to him a gentle squeeze, “you don’t have to apologize… i told you that you could come to me whenever you have a bad dream, and i meant it.” he slowly turned in scho’s hold, turning around to face the other. his hands slipped upward to frame the other’s fame, his thumbs delicately brushing across the other’s cheekbones. “i’m okay, i’m here. everything is okay and nothing is taking me away from you.” he murmured. “just focus on me, okay?”

ever since eddie woke up from the upside down, things had been different. all he knew was that he’d once lived in this place, and that he was unendingly thirsty. he’d been responsible for various disappearances and attacks around hawkins, but no one had been able to pinpoint it. they all thought eddie was dead – that any sighting of him was either his ghost or a story made up to scare everyone. it was better that way, for eddie at least. it meant no one would go looking for him as he hid away in a small shack during the day, crawling out only at nightfall. he stalked the mostly empty streets – the curfew making it difficult to find his next victim. but, then he caught the scent of something – someone – nearby. he was quick and silent, approaching the the blond from behind before dragging him into the space between two buildings. eddie didn’t think twice as he bit into the boy’s neck, the other’s blood tasting sweeter than any he’d ever had before.

the random attacks that had even more residents of hawkins suddenly turning up missing seemed on brand, especially after everything alexis had experienced since moving here. while he probably should’ve been more careful and vigilant when it came to the curfew that was put in place for good reason, his self-preservation was failing him miserably. eddie was dead — and with that died a piece of alex. he had left work late that night, volunteering to close up while robin and steve headed to the movies together. he had just about reached his car when he was suddenly pulled backward and dragged into an alleyway, pushing and wriggling in the other’s hold. but the offender was ten times stronger than he was, the advantage increasing when he felt teeth — no, fangs — sink into his neck. “get off of me!” he screamed, tears welling in his eyes as he tried to pull away. he tried to turn his head without hurting himself, only for the slight glimpse he got of the other to stun him. his blood ran cold and his body nearly went limp, his breath hitching. there was no way that this was actually happening — this had to be a nightmare. “eddie…?” his voice was broken and filled with disbelief.

even though it hurt to see alexis cry, it made eddie feel loved – like he was actually going to be missed. he never thought his missing presence would mean anything to anyone. in fact, he always figured everyone would be happy once he was gone. but, not to alexis. “hey, i knew you were falling for me, i just wanted an excuse to be a hero for once,” he croaked. he watched as alexis put on the ring, a small swell of pride taking residence in his chest. however, he was more shocked when the other offered up his necklace. “i’m the only person you want to give your ‘marriage necklace’ to?” he teased, a weak smile spreading along his lips. however, he was interrupted by a small coughing fit, the sound wet and painful. “could you put it on for me? i don’t think i can do it on my own,” he admitted, though he didn’t want to. he was doing the best he could to act as calm and strong as he could considering the state he was in. but, he also needed to be honest and not be seen struggling in front of the other in their last moments together. “and, when you do, you think you could seal it with a kiss?” he asked, back to being cheeky. “you know i won’t be going anywhere without one of those or i’ll be forever mad at you.”

a weak chuckle fell from alexis’ lips as he shook his head in response to the other’s words, unable to see the other clearly through his tears at this point. “you’ve always been a hero, eddie. you’ll always be one. i’m never going to let anyone forget what you’ve done for us.” while he couldn’t necessarily run around hawkins telling the story of the other’s martyrdom, he would keep his memory alive within their tight-knit friend group. the people who mattered the most would help keep his story from being tainted by the whisperings about him around town. “why are you so surprised that you’re the only person that i’ve deemed worthy to have it? you’re everything. but, you don’t need me kissing your ass any more than i’ve already done.” he teased, trying his best not to allow himself to crumble completely yet. if these were the few last moments that they had together, he wasn’t going to throw them away. a shaky breath escaped him before he nodded, his nimble fingers undoing the clasp of his necklace before putting it onto the other. as it settled against the other’s neck, he tried to ignore the blood that immediately smeared onto the precious metal. that was pushed to the back of his mind as he leaned down to press his lips against the other’s, not caring about the iron taste that came with the kiss. his hand moved to gingerly cup eddie’s cheek, “i love you so much, eddie.” he murmured against the other’s lips. “i’m never going to stop.”

michael wasn’t sure if he should be honoured that alexis trusted him so much, or concerned. he didn’t trust himself in the slightest, especially as the other brought the would closer to his lips. he could feel himself growing even more lightheaded, mouth practically salivating at this point. “i’m better off dying,” he said, though there was no conviction in his voice and he was clearly distracted by the blood that was presenting itself. his will power was draining from him quickly, lips parting even more as he hesitantly leaned in. his body needed it so badly that it almost hurt. he wasn’t even able to think about stopping himself before his lips made contact with alexis’ skin, blood immediately coating his tongue. it was the best thing he’d ever tasted – indescribable and overwhelming. he sucked and lost sight of himself and who he was feeding on. the only thing that filled his mind was his need.

while alexis knew deep down that he should’ve been more cautious, his better judgment had been completely tossed out as he was forced to witness the other’s dwindling well-being. even though he didn’t know anything about vampires, he knew one important key factor: immortality didn’t necessarily mean indestructible. he was quick to shake his head in response to the other’s comment, “don’t you dare say that. i need you here with me, you’re not allowed to die on me.” no matter how rocky their relationship had been, he loved michael. his body tensed up as he felt the other’s lips make contact with the fresh open wound, trying to remind himself to relax. his eyes fluttered closed after a few moments, allowing the other to take as he pleased. but after a few moments, he felt himself begin to grow lightheaded. he wasn’t sure how much time had passed at this point, everything around him felt like it was moving in slow motion. “michael… you need to stop.” he gently urged the other before he quickly pushed his hands against the other’s chest.

nancy let out a small snort. “i’m not delusional! it’s so true – you’re so cute and smart and fun,” she teased, reaching out to lightly pinch alexis’ cheeks. but, at the mention of steve’s sister had her blushing even though she didn’t want to. she chose to ignore the comment, not wanting to actually become delusional in thinking that she could get involved with the other woman. “stop, you’re way too nice to me. but, that is the one thing you are right about – i am wiser and more intuitive. you might be better with your words, as painful as it is for me to admit, but i know things,” she said as she tapped the side of her head. “oh, and when we do get married, we are sharing the bed. no weird separate bed thing cause we aren’t interested in each other. we have to cuddle and that is the only requirement i’ll have.”

alexis was quick to scrunch up his nose as he felt the playful pinch to his cheek, “okay, maybe not delusional… but you’re a bit biased.” then again, nancy was the only person in this world aside from david who had seen all sides of him. whenever he was in her presence, he felt comfortable enough to allow all his walls to drop and step into his true self. perhaps that insight gave her some leverage, some ability to speak from the heart concerning his true character. his cheeks flushed in response to the compliment he received before he shook his head. “i’m only good with my words when it doesn’t truly count. that’s probably why it’s so much easier for me to convey my thoughts and feelings on paper, there’s no risk of tripping up or making yourself look like a fool. not to mention that you can always edit things if you change your mind.” if only real-life conversations were that easy. “but, there’s no doubt that you’re the wisest person i know. i’ll never know how you seemingly have advice for everything in the world.” then again, that was essentially the definition of intuition. a chuckle fell from his lips as he nodded his head in agreement with the upfront requirement of their hypothetical lavender marriage. “that’s something i can completely get behind. i think i would wither away into nothingness if i had to give up cuddling forever. i’m so touch-starved it’s almost pathetic.” that wasn’t just on a sexual or romantic level, but he needed that platonic affection as well.

viktor’s mouth felt completely dried out as he listened to alexis speak, heart hammering so loudly in his ears that he wasn’t even sure he’d be able to hear the other’s words in general. but, alexis being confused was not something he wanted to hear. was he unsure if he wanted to kiss viktor? confused about his feelings? if he wasn’t sure, then it made viktor nervous about pursuing – that it would be unwanted. but, there was something in viktor’s gut that was telling him that he needed to simply jump off the edge. without allowing himself to hesitate too long, he leaned in closer and pressed his lips to alexis’ in an uncertain yet needy kiss. it was no secret to himself that viktor had developed strong feelings for the other, and he would always regret missing every opportunity that presented itself if they ever ended up parting ways.

the silence that washed over them almost felt foreboding, making alexis feel all the more uneasy. but the moment viktor began to lean in closer to him, he felt those nerves only intensify. he knew what was coming next, but he wasn’t necessarily mentally prepared for their lips to meet. however, the moment they did connect, he felt those nerves surprisingly dissipate. the doubts were easily swept out of his mind as he allowed his lips to move against viktor’s in an equally needy fashion, his body exhibiting how much yearning had been stirred up by the contact as he pushed viktor backward to urge him to sit on the chair behind him and easily setting himself in the man’s lap. he hadn’t even realized just how much needed this — how much he needed viktor — until it was unfolding. “i don’t want you to stop kissing me. i want you to kiss me until i forget everything. until i’m left breathless.” he murmured, not wanting to break contact from the kiss.

LONGING… ft. Alessandro Gassmann & Mehmet Günsür STEAM:THE TURKISH BATH (1997) · dir. Ferzan Ozpetek

SALTBURN (2023) | dir. EMERALD FENNELL

Summer of 85 (2020)