Must Be Deep

I’ve been put in positions reminding me of what it means to be alive

Staying on my toes cause the twins and turns and nothing to predict or hold

I’ve loved

I’ve lost

And I’ve loved again

Not sure if I’ve lost this time but I’m sure a transformation is working to transcend me

Whether we continue on in January and beyond as we’ve been or not (speaking of the current love.)

What a weird 12 months

I couldn’t escape Libra and Scorpio energy

Maybe I had lots of work to do with Mars and my Chiron 🤷🏾‍♀️

What do I know outside of what I’ve been shown

Bitter from bitches who don’t seem ready for me

But really I wasn’t ready for the love I wanted

Not with my fvcked up discernment

Lack of loving self to honor me enough to not allow anyone to not diss me

In honor or even in respect

So much character building

I just want to jump off the ledge

Maybe land on a train that just so happened to be riding by below

To a far away land where no one knows

Build a whole new community

Like Oppenheimer

Blow shit up that don’t serve no purpose

The shadows have been on some main character energy shxt

Dominating dressing rooms

Scaring and bullying other cast members

Clouds color the skies more than sun

I fed into sexual desires

Landed in the lap of another satan

All cause I didn’t know how to do a hit and run

Ran with too much

I had to face 12 months a slave to rhythms I wouldn’t dare use in an instrumental

I’ve barried a long time ago

But heavy storms uncovered them like Hurricane Katrina did Nola graves

Had to annihilate the walking dead amongst me

Thought niggas was family

Then till they showed they ass when I learned how to put me first

Cause I didn’t know boundaries

But say hello to the Bitch me, who has no fucks to give

Standing on my decisions

I learned that’s a better way to LIVE

Wearing my integrity

And feeling so sexy

“I said what I said”, is the truth in my pudding

And “That don’t make me no money” is the slogan in this next season to infinity

Cause I lost so much

Doing too much

I appreciate these last 12 months

For showing me truth in MY disciples

What needed sacrificing

I’m proud of myself to have finally released/allowed access to my poetry book which took me about 6 years to do.

I haven’t felt since having to make a life changing decision

I haven’t felt since drowning in the debts of emotions scattered in a prior romantic relationship

I haven’t felt since I received an answer I wish I hadn’t

What is it about choices that makes me not want to choose

The effects of making a decision

A decision putting a wrench in where I want to be

But maybe what i want isn’t all that good for me

How can that possible fact hurt me so bad?

Like do I not want better for myself?

Do I not feel I deserve better?

To FEEL can be so draining

But it’s my fuel

The spark lighting up the fire where I shall ash out all no longer serving while asserting attention to what gives life

The art of alchemy

Good old calcinations

My mid-evil time is breaking loose

Scattering me

And I’m watching everything become undone around me

As I am but a rolled out Cinnabon.

I open my arms to thee

O dear vulnerability

Hold me

Settle my flames easefully

Set me on top of that great Lilly pad with a lotus flower and allow me to float away in nudity outside of a pond

In greater bodies of water such as the river where I’m lead to an ocean

Test my ability to come up from the water after drowning from baptism, then stepping one foot in front of the other walking upon it

“Father-Mother I stretch my hands to thee” 🎶

A melody surrounds me as I soar

Allow me to soar

Retrieve my balance of what holds me down but also lifts me up

I need to be met with grace

Obtaining pEASE

Ruling over chaos

Harmoniously shifting dynamics

Taking stock of my mind and therefore my life

My love

Shall know no barriers

My heart breaks fee from shackles

Fears bow to me

I obtain my freedom from whatever burdens come from Feeling

Cause we are one therefore the I(eye) - Rules

I’m remembering what it’s like to rule

Slowly but surely

This anxiety’s power depletes

And I rest in Fermentation.