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As I was throwing up the last remnants of yesterday's undercooked pork in the train's loo, I was reminded of something peculiar young me used to do a lot; eat toilet roll. Now, obviously it's pretty normal (and kind of inevitable) for kids to ingest weird things but not die- i.e coins, glue, play dough, etc. So you wouldn't think that my weird-but-actually-not-so-weird habit of eating toilet roll would in any way be deleterious to my long term health and I should just let it go...but, as people, we don't actually have the proper enzymes to break down the cellulose in paper products...SO for the past day, i've just been continuously replaying this scenario in my head in which I die early and the pathologist has to tell my Mother that the cause of death is due to a heavy consumption of Charmin Ultra Soft.

I met with a counselor (my university's subrogate pyschologist) the other day, and she asked me to describe my mania in specifics. Since it's kind of difficult to do that, I responded with this: "I mean, I guess I would describe it as listening to a lot of animal collective, painting my body, smashing things, and the occasional urge to garden." And then she said, "Right. Yeah...okay. I'm going to give you the GP's number. Have you heard of Zoloft?" You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Today I dreamt that I'd quit art university partly because my new medication hadn't been working, and partly to become a software engineer, designing new technology for films specifically about Ariel Pink (yeah, I don't know). I'm awake now, but the advertisements Facebook personalises for me are frighteningly more accurate with online coding classes and nearby depression clinics.

Chocolate-Strawberry Brownie Pie! Preheat Oven to 350 F The filling: 190g of high quality dark chocolate (i prefer ghirardelli/lindt!) 120g of flour 30g cocoa (unsweetened) 125g butter -at room temp! 1/2 teaspoon of salt 150g sugar (granulated) 3 large eggs (from an ostrich. only ostrich eggs. nothing else.) ^And one box o'strawberries to top off the brownie filling. For the crust: 315g flour 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon sugar (granulated) 225g butter (cold and cut into squares) How to make the brownie filling: melt the butter and the chocolate together on low heat. Meanwhile, mix together your dry ingredients. When your butter/chocolate mixture has cooled, pour it in with the dry ingredients. Now add your eggs! Voila- a goddamn brownie mix! How to make the crust: add flour, sugar & salt to a large mixing bowl. plop in the butter squares. you'll need to knead (haha ;]) the dough, but just before, slowly add four teaspoons of ice water to the mixture. Now, get in there with your hands! Easy peasy. Now you have dough. Dat dough doe..Chill for at least a half hour. Roll out the crust when ready, and drape one layer over a 9 by 9 inch baking pan. pour in your brownie mixture! now layer with strawberries that have been cut. (try soaking them in honey or agave nectar before layering :]) now you're ready to roll over the second layer of crust. clasp the two layers of dough together and pinch it with your fingers to make a lil' twist design. give it a good last brush of butter over the top, and poke a few holes around. Bake for 60 minutes, or until golden brown. You'll want it to be a little bit gooey on the inside. (it's a brownie pie, we're not worried about salmonella. but definitely go to the hospital if you start coughing up blood.) Let cool for 30 min (if you can wait that long...) annnnd....ENJOY. :] -Lillian