Lili

You too trinity.

That name, her name flowed from Yolanda's lips so effortlessly directly in front of Robby seemingly without a care that he was even there. She had never called her by her first name on shift. It was always dr. santos. Seeing Yolanda being flirty and smiley with her after their earlier fight in the hallway over Langdon again made a pit in her stomach, and yet she still swooned when Yolanda heard her say her name. She longed for those moments with the brunette surgeon, her soft side only meant for Trinity and not dr. santos and usually only in the privacy of one of their apartments.

Everything was fucking with her head today. She tried to reason with herself trying to justify that if she just took the scalpel it wouldn't mean anything she would just have it just incase yet her deep thoughts were interrupted when Whitaker rounded the corner and she quickly picked up the scalpel and shoved it in her pocket, praying he didn’t notice her quick action. She knew it was wrong but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Hey you…you doing alright?” Whitaker asked timidly. “Never better. Thanks, Bye.”

Santos responded back abrasively, her body rigid with a gnawing anxiety that she couldn't seem to shake with him staring at her. He circled her to the other side of the suture cart.

“God you’re really just gonna keep standing there aren’t you?”

“Yeah. What’s going on?”

Letting out a sigh as she was growing slightly agitated, the day she was having the last thing she needed was a pep talk from huckleberry yet she turned to him anyways. Calmly trying to get out the fact again about how she felt like she didn’t belong at first because of Langdon on their very first clusterfuck of a day and he just gets to waltz back in like a prince on his high horse.

“Everyone here talks about community and family all while they throw you under the bus.”

“Well Garcia’s here. She likes you.” He was trying, bless him. He was just trying to make her feel better. She’d spent nights talking about her growing feelings for the older woman all while he sat on their shared couch tv paused on some random ass movie popcorn in hand.

That’s when Yolanda rounded the corner to see them two standing there talking, not in their view and hell, barely in ear shot but enough to hear what words fell from Trinity's mouth next.

“She doesn’t like me! She likes getting laid. I’m her stress relief squeeze toy- or was.” Santos said with her hands in her hair letting out an exasperated sigh.

That though, Yolanda could hear clear as day and it was like a sucker punch to the gut. She did have feelings for Trinity. Neither of them ever fully talked about their feelings for one another. Always ending the night tied up in bed sheets together but never touching on the “feelings” subject. For doctors who are supposed to communicate with colleagues and patients they sucked at communicating with each other.

She doesn’t like me. Casual.

The words hung in the air above Yolanda’s head. They needed to talk, but not now. Suddenly her pager went off and she left the ED before she heard the rest of Santos and Whitaker’s supposedly secret conversation.

“I’m sorry” was all Whitaker could come up with. He’s faced the brunt of most of Trinity's rants crash-outs you name it, but when it came to her feelings for Yolanda? He never quite knew how to respond, something he always felt a little guilty for.

“Yeah? Why do you care” with that Santos turned around and walked away from him. Leaving Whitaker standing there in the hall of the ED slightly more worried about her than usual. She didn’t know but he’d seen her grab that scalpel. He didn’t know her intentions with it, maybe deep down he did, childhood was a topic Trinity never talked about with him. Ever. He knew the one person she did talk about it with though, maybe she could help?

He felt useless paging Garcia down to the ED when Trinity had already said how she felt like she didn’t even like her but it was worth a shot. They might not- ok Trinity might not admit it out loud but they were best friends and Whitaker would be damned if he let her do something irrational.

---------

“You paged huckleberry?” Yolanda said exiting the elevator with a sigh to see a more nervous than usual Whitaker.

“I’m really starting to get worried about Trinity.”

Immediately Yolanda dropped the ‘cold badass surgeon’ act. She looked around the ED, pulling Whitaker into an empty hallway urging him to continue.

“Why? Did you see something?” Yolanda said trying to keep her usual cool exterior.

“Yeah I- I uh saw her take a scalpel from the suture cart? I think…I don’t know, I turned the corner and she was standing there and immediately shoved it in her pocket. When I tried to talk to her she completely blew me off pretty much.”

She knows what he was talking about, she was standing right there watching them. If she tried to hurt herself because of what she said out loud Yolanda wasn’t sure if she could forgive herself. “You didn’t ask her? Are you sure you saw her take a scalpel Whitaker, this is serious and I need to know so I can talk to her-“ he cut her off.

“No I didn’t ask her, she already almost bit my head off! And I’m not sure if you talking to her is the best idea right now…” he trailed off and Yolanda’s face felt hot with sudden irritation.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Dennis?” She asked him hostilely. He looked like a deer in headlights, scared of saying the wrong thing he just started to ramble about trinity, deep down he knows how deeply they both cared for Trinity and wanted to stop her from her usual futile acts of self destruction.

“I just mean that you guys..oh i am fucking this up. Look i dont know what the fuck is going on with you two but shes upset and i am worried. I know you care about her dr garcia in your own way, and whatever your situation is i think is getting to her.”

Yolanda could tell he is just worried about his roommate, friend? Whatever they were to each other so she can put aside the fact he was rambling and understood the point he was trying to get across to her.

“I am going to say this as nicely as possible whitaker, you are not in this relationship if that is what you would even call our situation. I respect that you are looking out for trinity but i need to talk to her dammit-” she was trying to keep her composure balling her hands into fists and keeping them at her sides she continued speaking to Whitaker in a quiet tone “i heard your conversation earlier okay? I was in the ED for a consult and I heard what she said as I was walking back to the elevator so please Dennis, If you know where she went i need you to tell me.” her dark brown doe eyes pleading to him an expression the young R1 had never seen from the trauma surgeon. Letting out a sigh he opened his unread messages from trinity and read them out loud to Garcia.

Trin!

6:47 pm

I need to take a fucking break. If a trauma comes in and Dana or Robby come looking, womens bathroom back hallway by x-ray that nobody uses. Do not bother me otherwise i just need ten minutes after this hellish day that isn’t even fucking over yet.

Garcia let out a quick breath resting a gentle hand on Whitaker's shoulder. “Thank you” and with that she was gone, out the door back into the chaos scene that was the main ED hallway.

---------

Subtle silent cries came from behind the large back stall. Trinity just wanted this shift to be over already, tears strongly stinging her face as they flowed freely and quiet sniffles being the only sound that filled the almost abandoned bathroom. Her hands fiddling with the open but unused scalpel when suddenly the door to the bathroom opened and shut quietly. Yolanda had heard the familiar cries before she had even opened the door, softly she stepped into the room calling out to the girl she knew so well yet so little that was hiding in there.

“Trinity?”

Immediately her back stiffened at the call of her name, silencing her cries and wiping her tear stained face. “Fucking Whitaker.” she whispered but not quietly enough as Yolanda heard her from the back stall and tentatively walked closer.

“Are you okay?” Trinity let out a huff from behind the door of the stall at the woman's question followed by another sniffle. “What do you want, Garcia.” There was bite behind Trinity's words, not real malice but enough to sting Yolanda a bit.

“Answer the question Trinity.” Yolanda was met with silence. Trinity wasn't ever sure if she'd heard Yolanda sound so nervous. The always calm and collected surgeon twiddled her own fingers as she was riddled with anxiety. Hands shaking the slightest bit when she spoke next, trying to be sensitive but god she was so worried trinity had already done something. “Please don’t push me away, Whitaker..he told me he saw you take a scalpel from the suture cart a-and i know that you keep him in the dark about your past that he doesn’t know but i do and god, trinity i am so worried about you today so please i am begging you don’t start keeping me in the dark too.” She brought her right hand to rest on the stall door.

“Open the door Trinity. I want to be here with you but you need to let me in to do that.”

Yolanda heard the lock click and the door slowly open revealing the teary eyed brunette behind it. Looking at the floor Trinity spoke quietly. “You called me Trinity in front of Robby.” as soft as the first time Yolanda's hands had ever wandered over Trinity's scarred skin on her thigh, her left hand lightly lifted the shorter brunette's gaze to her own. Yolanda's fingers delicately caressed her face while Trinity’s lip lightly quivered.

“Are you okay tri?” she whispered. That was Yolanda's special nickname for the younger woman and upon hearing it Trinity burst back into tears. “Hey, hey shh it's okay, I’m here.” gently she let go of her face and pulled trinity into the gentlest embrace, trinity's hands let the scalpel fall from her grip it clanged on the floor when she quickly wrapped her arms around Yolanda's mid section, her face hiding in the crook between her neck and shoulder.

Yolanda took a deep inhale bracing herself for the question she needed to ask. “Did you-” “No.” Trinity didn’t even let her finish because she knew what she was going to ask her and just sobbed into her, her body shaking while Yolanda just stroked her back softly pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

“I'm worried about you trin” the taller brunette whispered to the crying girl desperately clinging her as if Yolanda was the only one keeping trinity in this reality.

“Why?” Trinity asked her through sobs. Yolanda's heart broke to see her this way and knowing it was partly her fault had tears of her own threatening to fall.

“I might not say it as much as I should but I care about you. So so much trinity and i heard what you said earlier to whitaker i was down for a consult and apparently walked by at the wrong time ” she looked terrified upon hearing that. Yolanda grabbed her by the shoulders firmly looking into her eyes. Those beautiful eyes that were so uniquely Trinity.

“Hey I’m not mad i understand we haven't been clear and i am most definitely not using you. I don’t want you to push me out when you’re hurting and isolate yourself because-” Yolanda stopped herself from finishing her sentence. Trinity knew what she was going to say anyways.

Because this is what happens when you push people away and you end up taking all the hurt yourself.

Trinity could hear the sadness harboring into Yolanda's voice at the thought of trinity thinking she was being used by her. This wasn't how their relationship was supposed to go, but it never is. Love is never easy, it's messy and scary and feelings get hurt even if it's never the intention. Trinity had expected Yolanda to drop her months ago feeling she was just a temporary play thing for the surgeon to keep around on the side. Yet here Yolanda was standing in the bathroom with her, holding her while she cried, apologizing and trying to fix something that neither of them had actually even broken.

She moved her hands to hold Trinity's face in her hands keeping her now glassy eyes on her like she might disappear. “You can’t keep pushing down the scary emotions and letting them bubble over when it gets to be too much. I want to be the person you can come to when you feel this way and I'm sorry for being such a god awful bitch when you tried to come to me.”

Trinity simply nodded and closed her eyes letting more tears fall that Yolanda brushes away with the swipe of her thumb. Letting out a deep breath Trinity relaxed her shoulders finally and melted into Yolanda's touch.

“Can we go on a real date…no more calling this ‘just casual’ and just-” Trinity paused trying to find the right words to say. “Just be there for each other? Where we can talk, really talk, and still eat ramen in bed.”

She opened her eyes to see Yolanda with a look on her face somewhere between fondness and longing.

“Well you did want to watch fireworks tonight together so…it's a date. Where something cute I will pick you up at 10, I know a special place. How does that sound?”

“That sounds like a real date.” Trinity smiled, her green eyes blinking slowly, staring at Yolanda affectionately. She moved closer and pressed a soft peck to Yolanda's lips. Nothing heated, just two women who wanted and were willing to try and make something between them work, and maybe they could make this work out.

Only time will tell, but for now they had a real date to get to and fireworks to watch together, alone, just them and the bursting lights in the sky and that's all Trinity wanted to focus on right now.