allie

it’s a shitty feeling not knowing what you do like about me when it’s very obvious what you don’t like

my entire life i was the quiet shy kid. i was always told to be more outgoing, that I don’t talk enough, I talk too quiet. I wasn’t likable because I was too quiet. So I start being what I’ve always been told I “needed” to be, outgoing. Now I’m annoying, too opinionated, stubborn, the list goes on. I genuinely feel like I rarely have a safe space to be myself. I don’t know why I can’t just be myself without a flaw always being fucking pointed out.

one of the things that gets to me the most is having no solid support group. i don’t feel like people even want to be friends with me, let alone other women (which is really what i feel like i need- women friends). i used to have so many friends when i was younger. it was so easy. but the older i’ve gotten the less those people try to stay in contact with me. which i’ve accepted that they just aren’t my people. but i’ve done all the reaching out, all the “hey i miss you! how are you?”’s.. i’m tired. why can’t someone reach out to me… i need to remind myself that only having one or two friends is okay and doesn’t make me less of a person, but sometimes it really makes me wonder what’s wrong with me because everyone that i know is friends with more than two people. there has to be something wrong with me.

i feel like i try to maintain my friendships but nobody is/wants to be as close to me as we once were and it makes me sad.