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Never thought I’d go back to my old habits,

I’ve been thinking and thinking

Life’s just a big ass loop

We return where we started

Every time

Back to nothing

It’s the alcohol

At least

That’s what I blame for all this

All my thinking

All my negativity

I think I’m a piece of shit sometimes

Yet somehow I’m not

I’ve been called many names

An asshole

A scumbag

Brilliant

Immature

Sensitive

Talented

A good friend

An over thinker

Trustworthy

A liar

Disgusting

Beautiful

Dreamy

Privileged

Humble

Cocky

The color purple

The color green

A shade of blue

A freshly mowed lawn

A failed drug test

A hard worker

Kind

Annoying

Loving

one of a kind

And just like everyone

I am many things

Many many things

So many names

And so many definitions

So many perceptions

And so many meanings.

This is all news to me,

I’m just me,

I’ll never be more than that

Or less

Maybe I’m in between?

Between balance and chaos

Between life and death

Between stars and dirt

Between your eyes and my soul

Sometimes I pray

And I don’t know who I’m praying to

Just as I know me

The only thing between us,

Is an ocean.

Love me or do not,

Where sunlight did not reach.

I ponder, how is the reflection of a star,

Enough to feed our survival?

Can the mere illumination of such,

Be enough to not let us starve?

We are nourished by fragments,

Delusional on romance,

And conversation,

And acts of courage,

And compassion.

Sometimes we are in a dark room,

Life is hard today.

Extra heavy.

More thoughts than usual,

More than I have said,

Judge Judy,

Judías booty,

Nucleus spookiest,

Rookie sludge stupidest

Speak nonsense

I’m on Jupiter

It doesn’t matter.

Who’s listening?

Pretend to be stupid because you are scared that you really are stupid.

Talking out loud,

Talking to myself.

I find the need to prove it to everyone

That I don’t need to prove anything at all

We’re all rich slobs with ticking time bombs

Thinking about what we cant give up

It sounds cliche, but what if?

What if we really are special,

And chose to be special,

Would you listen to us then?

What if?

What if?

Hey here’s a question.

Do you really know who would never do you wrong?

Could you love someone forever?

I guess we can’t really create answers

For questions unsolved

But faith is a beautiful thing,

And I have faith in miracles.

Because why not,

It could all be so special

Why not?

What if?

Are you listening?

Anyways.

We don’t really know anything do we?

We’re all just lunatics and lovers,

Everyone else leave me alone,

And I mean it when I say

Im walking in my bullshit

I lost in the 9th round

Split decision

It was a body shot

And I fell down

I try to know everything

And don’t ask myself why

Why?

Sometimes I say fuck it

And grab my balls

Like I’m the shit

Or maybe I ask the ultimate question

Like who are you?

Or who will you be?

We were meant to change

Like the stone and the diamond

Like the lava and the island

Like the air

Like the climate

Sometimes forever

Sometimes temporary

I didn’t recognize the faces of my friends

My family

My lover.

I felt like I was walking through an empty world

I did not feel love

Or the sun

The clouds were grey

And I was walking empty streets

Today I woke up in a nightmare

And I wished for death.

So that maybe I might wake up.

Was the world empty

Or was it just inside me?

Perhaps I laid in bed too long

A distant laugh,

The distance between your face And your mask

Do I dare to let you know me?

Do you dare to let me forget?

A snake, An illusion