Living through lunchtime as a migrant

Recently influenster sent me the campus voxbox to test and review. One of the items included in the box is the St. Ives Blemish Control Apricot Scrub which I have heard both good and bad things about. One of my initial concerns was how harsh it would be on my skin. Apricot is an exfoliate some warn against using. However, my experience with the product has been really great. To me it exfoliates nicely, my skin  usually doesn’t respond to any gentle exfoliate so this finally scrub off all that dead skin. I find after using it my skin is much softer and my makeup applies on so much smoother with less clumping and creasing around my nose and forehead. I use the product about once a week as it is a very thorough exfoliate. Overall, I am more than pleased with the product and ready to live radiantly.

People often use a shorter substitute of my name instead of my actual name. I really prefer my actual name but don’t necessarily correct someone because eventually most of the people in my life will be replaced by new people who I can introduce myself as my full name. Plus those are really close to me can call me whatever they want I guess. Our relationship is based on mutual interests and the ability to relate. However, my mom referred to me by the shortened version of my name today and immediately corrected herself. I told her I didn’t mind because she is my mom and can call me whatever she wants as she did name me in the first place, She told me no and that, “I named you that to be called that not for your name to be cut in half.” And I like that.

I don’t know the next time I’ll get to see him and my excuse to do so will probably be that I am really craving a macaron. 

So most of me is like naaah but part of me is like OH MY GOSH MAYBE. Long story short I could possibly have accidentally asked someone out?

Sexism and sexual harassment has made me embarrassed by and hate my body, sexuality, and actions. I should not feel ashamed or dirty after being harassed. Nor should I have to wear different clothing or literally scrub myself to feel clean in the shower after. We should not have to feel uncomfortable and should be able to stand up.

So lately I’ve sorta been figuring out who my actual friends are maybe. I get upset when someone gets annoyed with me for going on and on about something I just want to vent and worry out loud so it’s not all inside my head. And maybe I get upset because I would be willing to listen to other people go on and on about things. I think I am going to have coffee with my mom again. Her advice can be really helpful. So also boys continue to confuse me especially ones that I have massive feelings for. This is my life right now and I don’t know what to do with it.

Stayed home from school today. I'm hiding from my problems. I told my parents I'm exhausted, which I mean I am, more emotionally and mentally thought than physically but I left that out. Thank goodness for my Dad who was fine with it and because he was my divorced Mother agreed. My plan for the moment is to do nothing until I figure everything out. I want the summer I talked about yesterday. That is what I want.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone chooses their romantic interest over their friends. Like I'm sorry your friends have helped you through how much and been there for you since when? But no it's ok go throw them away because you think this person is for some reason perfect. Guess what they aren't perfect. You've neglected to acknowledge the fact that they're human just like your friends who now you are totally ignoring. But unlike your friends they might not stick around once they get to know you and see your faults and see that you too are just human. Now we transition into my personal situation. What you did really hurt. You're my best friend right? I find it hilarious that I thought I could actually trust you. It's not ok that you threw me under the bus to help get her what she wanted. We're you ever actually my friend or was that just a ploy cause you liked me? You put her first in a situation where you didn't have to so that you could make her happy. As a consequence you accepted beforehand you made your best friend suffer and I just hope for your sake you can live with that. I already know you can.

You could have me, every inch of me.

Can't you see? I love your habits and your sarcasm, your humor, your bloody snide remarks. I love the way you are when you're sleepy and when you laugh. Your smile it's gorgeous beautiful amazing. I'd put up with your shit because I'd want to not because I'd have to. I could love you. Over time I would love you.

I just don't understand how people in general give up everything for another person this includes friends and lives of their own. By giving up people you care about to care about one person that doesn't say good things about your compassion. There is a difference between sacrifice and dependence. Don't tell me that I would love someone less than you would just because I continue aspects of my life and keep my friends. I would want someone to be in my life and for me to be in theirs but not to insert myself entirely into their world to me that is selfish. Maybe I'm wrong and if you want to state your opinion I have an inbox and a face feel free to type or talk away I think this is a very interesting debate.

My Dad suspects me of cutting again because I reblogged a photo set of creepy statues. In reality however this is the first time in a long time where I have actually stopped cutting. It feels good to not have to rip up my skin. I need to remember this feeling.

•They upped my dosage but since it makes me sick I have to take smaller amounts three times a day                                                                  •People are scheming                                                                      •Difficulty with my grades but trying to remember that I'm not my GPA and not my weight                                                                                      •Found friends                                                                                      •Settlers of Catan is so much fun                                                        •Maybe I'll make cookies for Tuesday                                                  •People are talking about me but that's fine I mean it's not fine like that is rude but I'm going to handle it by separating myself from it

It's funny how I can learn from your actions but you can't.

I adore passing periods.

Falling hard for someone I probably don't have a chance with.