FagMaster

A faggot’s face is one of the most versatile appliances a Man can own. Here are 20 ways to maximize its use in your home:

Fuck it: This is obvious. A faggot’s throat is essentially a pussy with built-in suction power. Instead of jerking off with your hand, use your faggot’s mouth whenever you need to get off. You can lie back and set it on autopilot for a hands-free blowjob, or you can stand up and fuck the faggot’s face balls-deep as if it were a cunt. Your choice.

Spit on it: Sometimes, a Man just needs to spit. Too much saliva? A bad taste in your mouth? A loogie you need to cough up? Whatever kind of spit it is, call your faggot over and do it on his face or down his throat. The pig will be grateful.

Clean your ass with it: A faggot’s face makes a perfect asswipe. Don’t waste your money on toilet paper or soap. A faggot will clean your asshole no matter what condition it’s in. Have swamp ass driving on a hot day? Pull over and the faggot will clean your sweaty crack up in a jiffy. Need to take a dump? Make sure you’re faggot’s lying next to the toilet so you can take a seat on his face for a cleaning when you’re done. Just back from the gym? Don’t risk getting athlete’s foot in the gym showers; just go home and make your faggot eat you until you’re fresh again.

Piss down it: Unfortunately, most homes don’t come with urinals. As a result, your toilet probably gets covered in piss when you take a leak. Keep your toilet clean by using the faggot’s face, instead. The pig will drink every drop; you’ll never have to clean your toilet again.

Slap it: Bad day at work? Stub your toe? Pissed off at your buddy? Smack your faggot. You’ll feel better.

Use it as a footrest: Sure, you can put your feet up on an ottoman, or the coffeetable, but will it lick them for you when you do? Nope. A faggot’s face will. Try it. It’s a nice way to relax in front of the TV. Put your feet up on the faggot’s face and let it lick your foot funk while you chillax.

Use it as a kleenex: There are never tissues around when you need them. A faggot’s face will do nicely, though. Whether you need to full-on blow your nose, or just want to give it a good pick and need a place to wipe the boogers, your faggot’s face is the perfect solution.

Hang your laundry on it: Sometimes, a piece of dirty laundry just needs to air out before you wear it again or put it in the wash. A faggot’s face works great for this. Hang your dirty socks on it, for instance, or a pair of dirty underwear. The faggot will be happy to sit there like a laundry rack. Admittedly, it doesn’t work as well as bleach, but a faggot’s tongue can be useful for treating stains, too — especially cum stains, piss stains and shit stains, all of which it will happily suck from your dirty towels, underwear, socks and sheets.

Use it as a notepad: Need to write yourself a note? Use the faggot’s forehead. Whether it’s your grocery list or a phone number you need to write down, the faggot will wear it there for as long as you need it. Or, maybe you need to leave the faggot a message? You can write “faggot,” “pig” or “slut” on its forehead, too, so it remembers what it is when it looks in the mirror (faggots are dumb; they need reminders sometimes).

Burp and fart in it: Don’t be embarrassed. You’re a guy. When you belch and fart, you like to smell your own aroma. There’s no shame in it. But wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to enjoy the smell by yourself? You like how your burps and farts smell; a faggot will give you validation by affirming that they do, indeed, smell awesome. Or, if you do it in his mouth when you have company over, there won’t be a smell at all, which makes you a good host.

Pour your beer on it: The beer at the bottom of the bottle is just backwash. You don’t want to drink it. So, pour it over the faggot. Plus, he’ll go fetch you a new one.

Use it as a napkin: When eating something messy, like ribs or a burger, keep your faggot kneeling beside you at the table. If he’s been a good faggot, allow him to lick your fingers clean. If not, you can just wipe them on his face. Either works.

Use it as an athletic supporter: Granted, you can’t use a faggot’s face when you’re playing sports or out jogging, but there are still times when your boys get tired of hanging and just need a little extra support. When that happens, call your faggot over and rest your nuts on his face. You keep them there while you watch TV or do work or whatever. The faggot will happily allow your balls to rest on his face in order to give them a break from hanging.

Sit on it: We’ve already established that a faggot’s face is a good asswipe. Even if your ass is clean, however, it can be useful to your ass by serving as a seat. It’s ergonomic, too, as a faggot’s face fits perfectly inside asscrack.

Use it as an erectile aid: Everyone has trouble getting their cock fully hard sometimes. A faggot’s face works well for this. No need for drugs. Stand over it, slap your cock against it a few times, and it will almost always give you full wood. If the face alone isn’t working, try slapping it against the faggot’s tongue, instead.

Use it as deodorant: Don’t waste your money on deodorant. Have your faggot clean your funky pits, instead.

Use it as a cum rag: You never know what to do with your load when you beat off. Sock? Towel? T-shirt? Kleenex? None of the above. Try a faggot’s face or throat, instead, for the easiest possible cleanup.

Use it to polish your shoes: A faggot’s tongue does an excellent job of cleaning dirty shoes and boots.

Use it to clean your toilet: A faggot’s face works well as a toilet. But in the event that you — or your guests — use the porcelain toilet, instead, the human toilet can clean it for you with its tongue. Piss stains and shit stains alike disappear when you use the “magic faggot eraser.” Likewise, take your faggot with you to restaurants, movies, the airport, the gym or the game; in the event that you need to use a public stall or urinal, the faggot will clean it for you first so you don’t have to deal with strangers’ filth.

Gladly, faggot. Here’s 25 tasks — more than double what you requested. Now be a good pig and get to work!

Stick your head in your toilet at home and flush.

Visit the mensroom at your local bar, fast food restaurant, gas station—whatever’s convenient—and clean the urinals with your tongue. Piss stains, stray pubes, loogies, cigarette butts—whatever’s on or in the urinal should end up in your mouth, then in your belly.

For a whole day, collect your piss or your Sir’s piss in bottles; at the end of the day, use an enema to douche yourself with the piss.

Challenge yourself to make a tasty “cock”-tail that utilizes piss and alcohol as main ingredients (along with whatever other mixers and ingredients you deem appropriate), then post the recipe online for your fellow faggots to make at home.

Take some empty milk jugs to the local gas station, mall, truck stop, etc., and fill them with piss and toilet water you find in the toilets. Take the jugs home and use them to bathe with.

Ask your Sir to fill a water bottle with his piss. Go to the gym and exercise. Use His piss to hydrate.

Visit a local leather or kink bar and kneel beside the urinals. Spend an hour or two there and see what the Men do. Will they laugh? Will they piss on you? Will they ignore you? Will they piss down your throat? Whatever they do, you must stay put and behave like you’re just another one of urinals.

Get a popsicle mold and fill it will your piss or your Sir’s piss. Freeze. Enjoy a tasty frozen treat, or use the piss-cicle to fuck yourself.

Drop three apples into a piss-filled toilet. Get on your knees. Go bobbing for apples!

Visit a bar. Remove your underwear in the mensroom. Ball them up and put them in a urinal beside the urinal cake. Return an hour or a few hours later. Fetch your underwear, which should now be soaked with piss. Put them back on and wear them the rest of the night.

Visit your local truck stop. Scour the grounds and garbage cans to find a “trucker bomb” (a container a truck driver used to piss in while He was on the road). Chug it.

Go on Craigslist and advertise yourself as a urinal, either in your own home or in a secure public restroom somewhere. Establish “office hours” during which the “urinal” will be open and invite Men to come empty their bladder. Keep a tally of how many piss loads you drink.

Visit a bathhouse. Write “urinal” on your lower back and draw an arrow pointing to your cunt. Bend over and allow Men to come deposit their piss when they need to take a pee break.

Purchase a piss gag. Use it.

Hungry? Go to a mensroom. Bring a piece of bread with you. Use the bread to wipe the rim of the urinals. Eat up.

When you brush your teeth, use piss instead of water to wet the toothbrush.

Forbid yourself from using the toilet for a day. Instead, pee in bowls, glasses, etc. Store it in the fridge. At the end of the day, you must drink everything that you pissed out over the course of the day.

Have Your Sir piss all over the toilet and floor. Use your tongue to clean it up.

Instead of milk, eat your morning cereal with piss.

Soak a pair of underwear with your piss or your Sir’s piss. Wring the undies out into your mouth.

Fill a glass with piss — yours or your Sir’s. Drink it with a straw.

Fill a jug with piss. Use it to wash your hair. The piss must be used to create lather, and to rinse the lather from your hair. Style your hair as usual before you leave the house.

Piss yourself in public.

Make a can of condensed soup for lunch. Like chicken noodle. Instead of adding a can of water, add a can of piss.