soggy soup medley

How am I supposed to let people in my life, when I know that everyone who comes close to me leaves in pain.

I check my Facebook page 36 times a day for the sole purpose of making sure I have not accidentally posted a nude photo of myself I reread an email 13 times before pressing send to ensure I have not written something in the email that could convict me of a crime Before taking a stage when asked if I allow flash photography I always want to say “No” because I’m terrified flash photography will give me epilepsy I know it doesn’t work like that, still I never eat nuts on an airplane out of fear of that I will suddenly develop a nut allergy and if I have to asphyxiate I don’t want it to happen at 30,000 feet Twice in the last two years I’ve been aborted from an airplane for running screaming down the aisles as the plane was taking off I can’t walk through San Francisco without worrying my indigestion is the beginning of an earthquake I brace for tsunamis beside lakes in Colorado I’m not joking The last time I saw Niagara Falls I couldn’t take it It was too much much I had to plug my ears to look at it and close my eyes to listen Generally I can’t do all my senses at the same time they are too much much Like if you touch me without warning, whoever you are, it will take everything I have to not hate you Imagine your hands are electrical sockets and I am constantly aware that I am 70% water it’s not that I’ve not tried to build a dam Ask my therapist who pays her mortgage My cost of living went up at five years old when I told my mother I have to stop going to birthday parties because every time I hear a balloon pop I feel like I’m gonna get murdered in the heart Last year a balloon popped on the stage where I was performing, I started crying in front of the whole crowd plugged my ears and kept repeating the word “LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD” it was super sexy That’s what I do I do super sexy Like when I asked the super cute barista 11 times ‘are you sure this is decaffeinated? Are you sure this is decaffeinated? Are you sure that’- yes I drink decaffeinated and still jitter like a bug running from the bright bright bright I have spent years of my life wearing a tight rubber band hidden beneath my hair so my brain could have a hug These days when no one’s looking I wear a fuzzy fitted winter hat that buttons tight beneath the chin I only ever wear a tie so that when I convince myself I’m choking my senses have something they are certain they can blame As a kid I was so certain I would die the way of meteor falling on my head I would go whole weeks without looking at the sky ‘cause I didn’t want to witness the coming of my own death I started tapping the kitchen sink seven times to build a shield My mother started making lists of everything I thought would kill me in hopes that if I saw my fears they would disappear Bless her heart but the first time I saw that list I started filling a salad bowl with bleach and soaking my shoe laces overnight so in the morning when I ironed them they would be so bright I would be certain I had control over how much dark could break into my light how much jack hammer could break into my heart My spine it has always been a lasso that could never catch my breath I honestly can’t imagine how it would feel to walk into a room full of people and not feel the roof collapsing on my ‘NO NO NO I am not fine’ Fine is the suckiest word it never tells the truth And more than anything I have ever been afraid of I am terrified of lies How they war the world How they sound by our tongues How they bone dry the marrow How did we get through high school without being taught Dr. King spent two decades having panic attacks? Avoided Windows Jumped at thunder I think we are all part flight the fight part run for your life Part ‘please please please like me’ Part Can’t breathe Part scared to say you’re scared Part say it anyway You panic button collector You clock of beautiful ticks You run out the door if you need to You flock to the front row of your own class You feather everything until you know you can always, always shake like a leaf on my family tree and know you belong here You belong here and everything you feel is okay Everything you feel is okay