blog of engram

the small gusts whispered my name,

telling me secrets

from a distantly familiar place

somewhere folded between past and future,

but never from inside me.

so I assumed

it was the wind.

the big gusts screamed.

something urgent, something heavy

clawing at me,

desperate to warn me,

or reassure me?

I never knew what it was trying to say.

but the answers always came

rising up from somewhere,

like they’d been waiting.

maybe the wind was never talking to me.

Feelings are based in the body, it’s how the body talks to the brain. You feel the pain, the itch, the hunger, before the complicated thinking. If the pain wasn’t in the body to begin with, would we even have a conscious experience at all?

Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself, the storm will pass.

This has been stuck in my head since I read it. It's the sole reason I'm even finding myself writing right now. It's funny because I already feel myself letting go of all the stress I've been holding after putting it down on the page. I really think that instead of being so anxious about the multitude of things going wrong right now, I should act as if nothing was wrong, keep writing, meditating, and reading as I normally would.

you heal by just doing the next right thing

I have been meditating more and have come to many realizations about my own thoughts. I've realized how much I value my thoughts and how much of a mistake that is; a lot of my overthinking comes from the fight between me trying to “control” my thoughts.

I'm coming to terms with the value of silence. I try so hard to think of answers, and it's definitely still hard to practice, but I've noticed that the best answers come from silence. 

She told me the same thing she said last time: she would extend it for next year, but there is no guarantee, and the rooms should go to people who really need them. Which really pissed me off because if she knew half the shit I had to deal with, I know I would get it immediately.

I have a new psych eval scheduled for April, and I'm both nervous and excited. The last one I did wasn't accurate; I masked way too hard, especially considering that back then, I didn't even know I was masking. This time, I hope I can be clearer, but I am still so nervous I won't be able to articulate it right, especially when naming my own symptoms. If it doesn't explain my situation exactly, I would think that it wasn't happening to me, even though a form of it was.