In Progress

28 July 2016

I haven't posted anything here for a year now. I'm gonna be posting shit again, and maybe actually try to write more. I'm pretty sure I've posted about writing more in the past, but whatevs.

Anyway, I've been writing quite a lot these past few days, well, not a lot, just way more than usual I guess. Most of them are unsent letters to someone. I thought I could post them here, but I'm just not feeling it at the moment. I’m not ready to be too vulnerable yet. Baby steps.

For now I'll be posting some old shit I haven't posted in this blog. Speaking of, here's one I made around September 2016, after watching Kimi no Na wa. It was kinda inspired by Mitsuha, but it doesn't really look like her though. I can't really say it's a fan art. Anyway, I had fun fun making this. I think I bought an animation manual a week after I made this. I read about 12 pages or so, then stopped cause it started talking about how you kinda have to be really good at life drawing, so you won't have to worry about technique and just focus on movement or something like that. I sill struggle drawing the full human body, so that’s that.

I don't think I've ever drawn anything completely honest, or at least I've never been specific with anything I draw. I always try to keep things vague and filtered. I feel like most of if not all of my illustrations were made with the hope that people would like them. I've forgotten how to just let go and draw for the sake of expressing how I truly feel about everything without the fear of judgement or lack of any attention at all. I don't want that anymore. I want to be honest with myself, and I can't do that if I continue posting my drawings online. So I'm going to stop posting. I don't wanna draw for the sake of attention anymore. I don't want to do it in the hope that it could be a career.

If I don't have my pistol, I feel sort of naked (Digital)

2015

I've always promised myself I’d write more. Mostly cause I find it hard to express myself and I want to overcome that. I also wanted to get better at writing. I wanted learn how to express myself through writing. I wanted to be capable of expressing myself without the fear of rejection or judgement. I wanted to be able to open myself up in spite of those things.

I'd rather draw than write cause art and Illustrations(especially poorly made ones) are harder to decode and easier to dismiss. People usually don't read into art as much as they do with words. Cause art isn't as concrete as words. They're very abstract, and in the cause of my illustrations, they're very reliant on my personal context. I don't write about any of them cause I don't want people to have any concrete context when looking at my work. I want people to look at my illustrations and be able to relate to them.  

I started this blog so I could have a venue where I could improve myself as an illustrator. But recently I've been wondering if any of the things I do matter. I mean it's good that I have this outlet for self expression, but do any of these even help anyone else other than me? Do any of these had at least a bit of impact on anyone? I've tried to convince myself that maybe there are people out there who'd be able to relate to some of my works, the way I find comfort in the illustrations of artists I admire.

To be honest, the idea of people finding comfort in my illustrations is just a part of it. In the end this blog is still a selfish project. Because most of the time I just want affirmation that there are people, no matter how few. I just want to know somehow relates to me.

I envy people who are capable of inspiring other people. I envy people who are genuinely selfless. I hate the fact that I’m not like that. I'm not saying I hate those types of people, in fact, I admire them. I'm happy they exist. Cause even though I'm selfish, I still find comfort in the fact that there are amazing people out there inspiring people like me in spite of the crushing weight of mediocrity.

I don't want to give up. I wanna be able to embrace mediocrity so I could focus on getting better. I want to keep throwing myself out there in hopes that I would find happiness myself and other people.

13 January 2016

Garnet (Digital)