~Scorpio Love~

I found the memories of us running through my head

Lacking their usual bitterness

I remember I used to dread

When not a day went by without you

I constantly ran through memories and blurs

Of you

And I regret it,

What I did to myself

In requiem for “us”

For the bond made from lack of trust

Not that there wasn’t good times.

Most of it was good times.

Yet it lacked the love I thought it held

You flickered a flame in me

And used it to burn down anything I liked about myself

You flickered a flame in me

To bring me to my knees

As what I kept close to me fell

Sometimes I find myself

Typing your username

Deleting

|

Typing again.

I find myself missing the memory of who you used to be

Before we destroyed eachother

Before your lack of love destroyed me

I find myself

Slowly forgiving

Forgiving you

Forgiving myself

I find myself letting go

Of the memory of who I used to know

I feel you slipping from my thoughts

My pain

My ghosts, my regret-

I feel myself forgetting you

And what they did to me

Because of what you claimed

And for the first time in a long time I’m at peace with your haunting

The lingering does not sting anymore

I’ve grown

by my loyalty

I quiver

at the center of my body

ripped

into lurid ribbons

the legacy of your

many leavings

spread out across the miles

ragged tears

in the night sky

storms of blood and weeping

like sunsets rippling

an offering of light

Right now

I would say yes to anyone

I would say yes

to anything and everything

just for the chance

to actually choose to lose myself,

To escape erase remove reduce eliminate myself

from these twisted calculations my mind will not release,

I would do anything

for anyone

if only they desired

just say you want me

just tell me in this moment

I matter I mean something I am needed,

I will suffer the morning’s guilt

stoically accept rejection come dawn

just please

please

let me lose myself in your flesh

let me forget

let me know nothing more

than the satisfaction of giving pleasure

I will hate myself tomorrow

but I already will anyhow

so let the night at least be an oasis

I feel it to be dishonest

to fill the holes in logic

with wishful thinking

and I find it foolish

to build a sandcastle

when the tide is on it’s way

And when I find myself

at the bottom of the ocean

I don’t pray to the God

who made the waves

Let this be

my manifesto of angst

I don’t believe in anything

that anyone says about pain

if they have not been

eternally scarred

and permanently defaced

I don’t want advice on war

from someone

who has never washed out