#imfeeling...

have u ever feel so lost,so confused, so angry about yourself but u can do nothing about it? have u ever want something in ur mind so bad but honestly, in ur heart, u want the opposite? well then, have u ever feel like u caused every bad thing that is going on in ur life? well, u aint alone. im angry, im sad, im frustrated but mostly confused of what i want. i have no direction and that might actually be a direction for me, through the darkness i feel surrounding me, those sleepless nights, crying myself to bad for reasons i don’t even know why, its just a heartbreak they say. its just a heartbreak. its not just a heartbreak, its a lost of soul, a lost of who u r, a lost of motivation, energy, mental health, positivity. Being thrown in the darkness, figuring what u want, what u desire by yourself. confused by your own thoughts and actions, confused by what u have done. confused by what u want in this relationship, this friendship, this partnership, this love. Im lost but i will be found again. 

I can lie to myself that he does care about me , I can lie to myself that I’m being cherished, I can lie to myself that I am important to him, I can lie to myself that he needs me. At the end of the day , pain is all I can feel when I’m apart from him, he doesn’t seem to be able to put aside what his personal interest for more time spend with me. He doesn’t seem be able to make me his priority. And that is when I know, this isn’t gonna last because what we want in this relationship is different. He wants someone who is less reliant and independent while I want someone who is able to give me his attention all the time. Idk what I can do at this point in time because I still love him despite all that he has done.

why am i even feeling this way rn. why the fuck am i feeling sad asf? what have life become... i feel that there is this emptiness in me, i feel that im so fucking sad to the extend whereby i just wanna cry the fuck out of myself and not try to hide it behind this fucking skin. im so fucking sad but why? i dont even deserve to feel this way, i did nothing wrong. i dont deserve this.