Alias-Parody

Jack : Kendall wants me to keep a watch on you. Sydney : What are you going to do? Jack : I'm not going to follow you around. Let's compromise. When you get into trouble, call me first so I can try and minimize the damage.

Sydney : You abused a corpse to finish this mission! Jack : Used, used a corpse. There's no "ab".

Sydney : Mom, I've never met anyone like you. Irina : Aw, thanks Sydney, that's so sweet. Sydney : No, like genuinely. Sydney : Don't take this the wrong way but you should go get professional help.

Sloane : What are you doing, leaving the team alone in a misson like that? Jack : No excuses. I mistakenly treated them like responsible adults.

Irina : *talking to Jack* Irina : Three hours of brooding silence and sarcasm, I love our marriage!

Irina, seeing a package has arrived for her : Ah what’s this? Too nicely wrapped to be another severed head... Nadia : Just when I think I know everything to do with you.

Weiss : Why the hell did Sloane try to fight you? Vaughn : I threatened to reveal his dark secret. Weiss : Which is what? Vaughn : I have no idea, I was bluffing, but it must be something horrible.

Irina : Sydney, I'm your mother, I would take a bullet for you! Sydney : Mom, you're probably the reason we're getting shot at in the first place!

Irina : Jack and I have this kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's... Jack : Sentences. Irina : Don't interrupt me!

Sydney : So mom, I wanna know some things about you. Like... What do you like to do for fun? Irina : I spy and stalk people. Sydney : Oh... Okay. I like to go on runs. Irina : I know.

Vaughn : Sydney you're like an angel without wings. Sydney : So, like a person?

Sydney : Wow dad, Attempted murder. How would that have looked on your record? Jack : Terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done.

Sydney : Vaughn is so beautiful, so thoughtful. I wonder what he's thinking about? Vaughn, thinking : Wed-nesday... Whensday? Wenseday...

Sydney : I can't believe you assassinated another CIA agent! Irina : Well, 'assassinated' implies it was politically motivated. I killed him because he was a dick, so technically I murdered him. Sydney : That's not better!

Jack : *After Irina woke up from a nightmare* What happened? Irina : I'm going to kill Sloane and Elena. Jack : You're going to kill Sloane and Elena? Alright, new passports are ready. That's good. Won't be a problem to keep contact with Sydney and Nadia at distance or they could come with us if they wanted to... Irina : Good God, Jack. You had all that ready? Jack : I'm just being supportive.

Jack : I know 200 ways to kill a man. Irina : We could glue a jar of rats to his face and blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way through his face. Jack : ... 201

Vaughn : You need to understand that sarcasm will get you nowhere in life. Jack : But it got me into the Sarcasm Championships in Germany back in 1980. Vaughn : Really? Jack : No, of course not!