alexis vs

days went by when you and I bathed in eternal summer's glow

as far away and distant our mutual child did grow

oh the sweet refrain soothes the soul and calms the pain

oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again

wandering and wandering what place to rest the search

obvious reasons. thinking of you a lot. the world is on fire and i hope you're okay.

Tu es un être humain

Et je suis un chaton

i am falling in love again. it's so delicious and exciting and scary.

i want me and him and much more.

well. i can't, for the life of me, find this song online. i can't download it from my collection on google, because they're holding it hostage. i don't have the disc anymore, who knows wtf happened to it.

i first heard this song after a quarter of a million people died from what we might poetically call boiled water. a bunch of artists made an album, Indie Pop Cares A Lot. my then ex-girlfriend, Jennifer, bought it for me. oh how she cared! what a sweetie.

basically the only glimmer of hope for this post is that the file exists on a drive in a dead computer that i still own, and it's a lot of effort to get it off, so i'll just reproduce the lyrics here, lazy fuck that i am.

fallen down a well you'll climb out you let down the whole world is out for your head running for the waterline it's past time and i think you should come on home come on home, you've made your point you've made the effort and it's understood you won't give up the open road carries you where will this road lead you running out of breath you passed out you shut down when the problem is over your head running for the waterline it's past time and i think you should come on home come on home, you've made your point we know you're committed to it they lied to get on your bad side and now they laugh and sigh and tell the world you proved 'em right when all of this is said and done, history will judge we shoulda listened to you all along you wrote it down and they boxed you in i held my tongue in their hands but we shoulda listened to you all along fallen down a well you'll climb out you wouldn't let anybody down you won't let anybody down running for the waterline

sometimes weird things happen to me around music. i often think of songs for no reason several hours before i hear them on shuffle. or sometimes they show up at the precisely correct time.

i first heard this song when you went to Albuquerque. you'd been gone for just a few hours. i felt tension sliding down my body, thinking i wasn't going to have to worry about you wanting to kill yourself for at least a few days. and i laid in bed and put this album on while i played that game you hated me playing. (btw, i'm noticing that i play games to disassociate from my real life. you didn't say this explicitly, but it was an implication. it would have been super helpful if i could've heard you saying it.)

this track came on and it was scourging. it was like he was mocking me. "that's what you get, you silly shit. you built your house on a burial mound." your impeding death was haunting me and it was a fucking nightmare. having you was never having you; you were always going to be on your way out. neither you nor i seemed to be able to stop it from happening. i knew i would probably let it grind me down to a nub.

in retrospect, why was i going to do that? because i loved you incorrectly and myself not at all. actually, yeah, the best thing was to try and stand in your way. and i knew that, but i was stuck in that place, mostly unable to actually do it, because of my confusion around your rejections of tactics that had previously helped. but unable to really wash my hands of it, because... yeah you won't let me touch you or try to talk you into feeling better, but also i don't want you to die. so when you beg me for permission to do it, i can't say yes because i love you, and i can't say no because you hate me for it.

ghosts, both of us. dead where we sat, acting out the drama of what originally killed us: your thousand mortal wounds, my self-made paralysis.

i have so many regrets, but the regrets are tied up in things that could not have happened elsewise. there are so, so many things that i did that weren't okay, and there were also things that you did that weren't okay.

when i miss you, what i'm missing is that time when our insubstantialities occupied the same space. it felt like maybe i could combine with you and become alive again. but as the poet said, two abysses don't produce a height. would it were so! what a dark horse we'd have been.

what a childish life i have led

it reminds me of those days with you in Houston. the heat and damp. i think about how my failure to anticipate my needs was a problem and how i communicated poorly about it. the panic that arrived in my body when you spoke sharply to me, which you should be able to do without me flipping out. my projection of the past onto the present. i don't like who i am when i'm not being conscious of these things.

M wanted you to leave and i wanted a return to a space with no conflict. i saw "safety" in it. it was easier to do that then keep trying. i couldn't just take a break like we discussed, i pushed you out. assertions of control when i should've been seeking connection. i wasn't willing to face the fact that the things i was feeling weren't grounded in the present. i made it about you and then i punished you. it's a blessing, at least, that you're away from me. from a certain perspective.

i regret so much. but regret is a good teacher.

i think of you often and hope you are well, especially in these awful times.

how i feel about all of this is probably pretty obvious to you.

i'd really like to live in a world where no one shoots anyone else. but words can also be violent and produce violence.

if your stance is "violence is ok, prove me wrong" i'm essentially daring you to let me kill you. if you kill me then, you've actually proven me wrong.

the difference between the feeling of this (original) version and the remix that you first sent me is interesting. it's the same as the difference between sunshine and hunger. but both of those things are pretty good, right?

just thought you'd like this one, it reminds me of you.

the hunter dying in his trap

actually, this is probably how you feel about me. if you ever see me and you wanna hit me, i'll let you, just go for it.

that boy you hated reappeared in my life. i can't help but think about you. he was kept from me for a little bit. if you remember his name, you can figure out why. but he thought about me the whole time, and tried really hard to get back to me... i can't help but be charmed by that.

what if i tried to do that with you? what would be the result? going by your last email, nothing good. it's probably better for me not to try, right? that could be disruptive.

i've been stuck in a way of thinking where i'm a villain. that the things i want lead me to make danger for the people around me. i still want those things, so it's still a problem. there's probably a way to avoid danger here, i just don't see it yet. thankfully, i'll have at least seven months.

the song is passionate and longing. i miss you in these ways.

i have accepted that i'm going to update this whenever i'm able, and not be on myself about it. you've heard this one for sure, but, y'know, it's a good one.