CD Life

I don’t know.

I’m at a point where my mental and self images are so different and broken. I don’t feel like I can ever fix either of them. I’ve never once thought I was an attractive or handsome guy. Never. All my family says I am but they’re family, they won’t tell you if you’re an uggo. I’ve never once looked in the mirror as a man and thought, “Yeah that’s not bad. I can work with this”. Every single time I do, I mutter under my breath something like “God you’re ugly” or “Fuck, I’m disgusting”. Every single time.

On the flispide of that I feel so much better about myself as a woman, so much more attractive and valuable. BUT. I know I’ll never be actually attractive because I’m still that same ugly guy underneath the make up and the clothes. That’s been a lot more visible lately and it’s depressing. And as crossdresser or trans person or whatever the fuck I actually am, I feel like I shouldn’t be doing it at all because I’m not passable. I’ll never fool anyone into thinking I’m a woman. Not like I WANT to fool anyone but that kind of thing makes you feel better if someone can’t tell. Like a “wow maybe I AM pretty” kind of feeling.

I’m starting to not see the point in it anymore. I just get mad and depressed when I dress now because I know I’ll never look how I want to. No matter what I do I’ll always see that after all my efforts and desire, I’m still just a pig in a dress.