alex forever

i was supposed to have a haircut yesterday, and i was really looking forward to it, and i know it's silly but now that it's been rescheduled for next week i spent all day feeling like shit about myself even though i look completely fine. like just the knowledge that i might be a little illegible to random strangers when i'm whatever-moding is agony for some reason and i know i'm putting people off because they can tell i'm uneasy and dysphoric. same deal when i have a bad day at work. there's no way a haircut and a few style changes would shift things THAT radically but i've spent the last couple months at bare minimum self care while i adjust to my new job and sometimes it just feels like total shit, and i've already been dealing with all these emotions in various forms for such a long time that it seems insane i don't have a thicker skin and/or some stronger, longer-lasting confidence in myself by now. there are loads of gnc trans women with ten times my self respect who were literally in middle school when i started hormones and some days i really resent myself for that. what have i gained materially from spending all this time ruminating on myself and the particulars of my fuckin, identity expression or whatever? i know i hold all the tools i need to become the dyke i see myself as in private but i'm afraid i've gotten too comfortable getting in my own way and suffering needlessly in my own head