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Yeah I guess things come to an end after 17 months.

I mean like obviously we can’t expect the relationship to always be in a honeymoon stage right? 

I’ve always thought I was the only one that thought the spark is dying and we are sort of less “激情” per se. 

I couldn’t say for sure that this dilemma right now makes or break us, but I definitely need to ?regain myself to ?spice things up again. Or often considering that taking a break would be the best for one another to put our focus on better purpose in life. 

Many times I wonder what would happen to “us” if we take this break and that we never come back together again. But the underlying love and concern I have for you hold me back. 

我们很恩爱，你应该看得出来吧。

我有一个我很深爱的人，一个让我想尽办法都要守护的人，一个让我可以付出一切的人。

在我心里的你，永远觉得微不住道渺小的我，对于你的惭愧。

如果配上一个更有条件的我，一路的进展会发生什么变故呢？

还记得像孩子般的简单的爱情，喜欢就是喜欢，但这不是现实中我的们。

虽然我们仿佛每天在一起，有用不完的默契和话题。

但是这些都让小事情变得最痛的呼吸。

It sucks to know that you’re not good enough.

It sucks to know that you’re not trying hard enough.

It sucks to know that you don’t deserve the shit you’re getting now.

It sucks to know that it doesn’t matter how hard you try.

It sucks to know that someone loves you more than you love yourself.

It sucks to know that you can’t do the same for the person who loves you so much.

It sucks to know that I can’t change what I have now.

7 months since then.

Nothing has changed, feelings still the same. 

But maybe, just maybe, it did grew a little stronger. 

Special in our ways, just not like the rest.

We don’t talk often but when we did, you made sure that all the attention is on me. 

I hope.

All this while has never been easy, it never was. 

Though we didn’t have fights, physically or verbally, aside from being in bed.

But I’m sure you could’ve seen the frustrations in my eyes when you made me walk the extra mile over the golf course or to chevrons. 

Or the times when you tried to make me smile but I’m just not entertained cause I’m too tired.

All the time that we have spent together, although it’s not that many, but definitely quality > quantity even though you’re always greedy for both.

With that being said.

it’s back to the kinda nights again, where thoughts run wild and the inner demon refreshes.

it’s back to the times where you doubt yourself worth, where you just think that you’re not enough.

it’s back to the moments where reality gets to you, where inferiority, insufficiency, inconsistency comes for you.

i’ve been thinking, if this is all i want and all that i need.

selfishness, selflessness, indulgence.

this was never us since the start.

it has always been me, everything was always about me.

you made, you gave, you showed that it was all.

the effort, the time, the thought, the money, the struggle.

i’ve tried, and am still trying, but you never gave up, always giving in.

i don’t want this to turn out toxic, just like everyone else. 

if we continue this way, what would happen in the future i wonder.

i wonder.

things would get boring, consistency would slam us out.

and you get tired, we stop trying, everything comes to an end.

but i don’t want it all to end that way.

You will meet someone.

Someone that makes it all good, seems surreal and different.

You have deep conversations with them, learn about their life and their past.

You take every hour of the day, till the night falls and sun rises.

You crave to see them, getting to a point where you start to plan out a future with them.

S U D D E N L Y . 

Things start to change, you or him.

You start to talk less and less.

They start becoming distant and you start chasing them when they show you, that they no longer care and act the same.

Here you are trapped, wondering what went wrong.

And the reason for chasing after them is because you want the person they first were when you guys started sparkling fire.

W O N D E R I N G .

Things like this in life is why nobody can fucking trust anyone and why things are so hard in this generation to actually love someone and be in a faithful relationship.

Is this why you’d rather stay single, alone and not stressed and be hurt about someone because they know, how it’s going to turn out. 

Definitely, there’s someone that is gonna be different. 

Someone who will take you on, being with someone who clearly hurts them knowing damn well that they are not good enough for them, solely just to avoid the feeling of emptiness.

Someone who maybe, just maybe one day who will truly appreciate who you are, making sure your day is fine, waking up with you the next day and makes you breakfast, takes the kid to school and spend the night together.

But mostly, they just grow tired of always chasing someone who does not care, becomes heartless and builds a wall, distancing himself from everyone else.

When things end on the rough edge because of broken promises,

“Baby I’ll always love you and I’ll never leave you”

to them choosing an easy way out, leaving all of a sudden, acting like all those sweetheart moments never existed and dropping all the promises they’ve ever made to you.