keep smylyn :)

courage/fear .... courage/fear

I feel extremely overwhelmed. Almost paralyzed. 100 things running through my mind, yet I’m unable to move.  I’m building the courage, summoning some strength.

I’m overwhelmed about....

1. school - I have literal doctors, pharmacists, nurses and many more in my program. They are smart, accomplished and probably have no other responsibilities. I’m worried I won’t be able to do my best in school because I’m a mom. But I’m also worried that I won’t be a good mom because I’m in school. It’s a trade off but truly I’m TRYING my best in both because I want to love what I’m doing while also providing the best life for my kids.

2. moving - I literally am so scared at how we’re gonna be able to do this. My husband doesn’t want to hire help and he’ll be gone on my day off also. But yeah, I’m literally so scared at how I can pull this off but I PRAY that I would be able to. while I’m in school. aaahhh

3. scammed - we got scammed 10,000 dollars. lol and i guess to some people it’s nothing, but to us - that’s our hard earned money. it’s sad to know that people out there exists and that money could’ve gone to our kids’ education or future or for us, but i guess it’s a very very expensive life lesson.

tucked two daughters to bed, washed the dishes, folded the laundry and sweeped the floors.

It’s currently 1:14 am. I did a lot. But you did more.

I miss you in the quiet, I miss you when I’m reading to my kids. I miss you when I feel like an A+ mom because that’s what you were. And though I’ve slowly accepted the fact that you’re not here, it still sucks. I miss my mom.

Still in excruciating pain but able to walk more now. Husband is still doing 80% of the things for me. For that, I am thankful. He never complains.

Started the day at the hospital with favour, but when we got there we got news that Evie lost 100g. From 983g to 890g. So naturally, I cried so much again. I feel so helpless as a mom like I feel like my body failed to grow my daughter and why can’t I just grow a baby to full term. Like what is wrong with me.

But Bert assured me that I did my best and there are things that we don’t have control over but it’s okay.

That night, my BP spiked up to 162/100 and I was so scared I’m gonna have a seizure or something. Thank God I didn’t. I want to be strong & healthy for my family.

Sep 15

Me: no, I’m at the hospital. I’m at the doctor’s.

Inah: You’re at the doctor’s?! Don’t be afraid!

MIL: Mommy, you’re healed. In Jesus name!

Inah: Amen!

♥️ my moments of strength.

My moments of peace that trespasses all understanding.

I’ll tell the story another time but basically things that are making me sad/anxious:

1. Missing Inah and broken at the fact that I’m not with her right now. I wish I can just hug her and kiss her and be with her always.

2. Torn by the fact that I actually feel okay to go home and desire that so much yet I have also researched the dangers of my condition and how quickly it can be bad for me and baby so I also want to be cautious.

3. Frustrated at the covid protocols right now. Inah could have easily visited me before. We visited Mama so many times for so long when she was a baby.

4. Worried about the gazillion things I actually need to do but have to make Bert do it. Cuz you know. Like the crib, the laundry, etc.

5. Wanting baby E to hang in here for another month and grow more in my tummy. Praying she’s happy and healthy inside. ♥️

6. One more month! Hopefully we can hang in there. It will be sad if I don’t get to go home but it’s just a small timeframe compared to the many more years we have together.

last time I posted I was 6 weeks pregnant...today, I am officially 28 weeks! So from first to third trimester.

it’s been a crazy few months! We moved in to our new place, found out we’re having a girl, covid went crazy, got our vaccines and places are finally opening back up now. We are enjoying summer, so much so that I’m unable to properly ”nest” and just clean because I am afraid that we’ll go on a perpetual lockdown again soon and I wanna savor every moment of it.

Next week is also my mom’s one year in heaven and I have already felt soo much feels over the past few weeks. I dreamt of her a lot in my first trimester, something I’m very thankful for that I got to talk to her and be with her again. But to be honest, this time, I’m sad to be a mother again knowing baby E won’t have any memories of her anymore. I was also very reliant on my mom on my last trimester and my first few months as a mom so I’m just praying that God will give me strength in this season. “All I have needed Thy hand hath provided”. I’m clinging to that. It’s been tried and tested in my life, and I know He will remain faithful.

the one thing I’m not looking forward to with my mom’s death anniv is honestly dealing with the snarky remarks from my relatives though. I remember feeling so stressed out and discouraged and if they were not my mom’s family, I honestly don’t mind not talking to them. Ayyy sorry Lord.

Feeling: pretty normal! A bit of nausea when I’m hungry but I surprisingly have a good amount of energy. Feeling extra bloated lol I already gained 2 pounds but maybe it’s not from this baby but from me letting go and giving in to my cravings after finding out we were expecting. 

Mood: Crabby to some people but feeling excited because a cousin of mine is also pregnant and a friend of mine is proposing to his longtime girlfriend! So I LOVE love and excited for the people I love too. 

the most painful ever

I entered the year brokenhearted

Yet you were still there

You told me to be hopeful and keep the faith

We made beautiful memories

I learned to cherish you

To relinquish every moment

the most beautiful ever

I finally said I love you freely

You knew you were loved

Oh I miss our simple days

When I had none of the success

None of the material things

Yet we had each other

You taught me how to cook

You watched others live a simple life

We spent so much time together

We lived simply

In retrospect, it’s the perfect day for me

but now you’re gone

And I honestly don’t know how I can move forward

this is the first one without you mama

although things are looking up

Soo many plans, prayers and blessings coming up

I don’t know how I can do this without you

Safe to say, this year brought a lot of grief. Disappointment even. It took away my beloved mom, a big piece of my heart and a light in my life. But I’m holding on to the promise that this disappointment is a godly appointment that will leave something too. His hope, peace, new purpose, and strength I’ve never witnessed before. Tbh, I’m not there yet and I still really don’t know what God has in store. I’m just trusting and having faith that God’s appointment opens up new possibilities, strengthened character and a whole lot of lessons learned.

At the end of it, she said that I was doing considerably well in my grieving as I’m able to process my thoughts. But it doesn’t mean the sadness and brokenness isn’t there. I was tasked to journal which I kinda do already but it will give me an excuse to buy a journal again since I’ve ran out of pages in my old one. Today what I really want to journal is the things I’m thankful for in November since I had so many things I complained about this month as well. I don’t want to laser focus on the things I lack or feel like I should have, yet I want to be grateful for the blessings God has given me already.

1. My husband - innocent, kind, simple, loving, faithful and true. He ain’t perfect but I am soooo thankful I have someone to hold me when I’m down, help me with raising our daughter, serve God wholeheartedly, learn to adult with, budget with, laugh at corny jokes with and cuddle with at night. 💕 there’s so much more but I am one blessed wife!

2. Inah- what a smart, sweet, adventurous and curious soul. She amazes me everyday, knows me when I’m sad and gives me the sweetest hugs and kisses. I’ve learned so much by being her mom and realized that I am a gentle parent haha she is the best best blessing i never knew I needed. Thankful for her.

3. Family - thankful that my family is healthy, getting along together and we love each other. I’ve been complaining in my head about them a lot but I’m thankful for them also.

4. Steady jobs- thankful for my job where I can help b e part of saving people’s lives. Provide for my family and for the funniest co-workers!

miss you Mama ♥️

Last night I had a dream that I was holding your warm wrinkly hands. The feeling was so real and I was thankful to be able to relive that moment.

To be honest, I am incredibly blessed right now. Bert is starting his dream job tomorrow and Inah is the sweetest and smartest girl. She is my joy. On the outside, a lot of good exciting things are happening.

Happy thanksgiving!

No doubt this year has been the hardest ever in my life. Losing my mom has made everything so bittersweet. There’s not a day that my heart doesn’t sink with the thought that she’s no longer with us. I think of the beautiful places we went to as a family - I think how much she would’ve enjoyed it. We went to Albert’s family dinner - I wonder what her comment would be.

Although there’s so much pain and sadness even in the “happy” times, I am reminded to be thankful today. Thanksgiving. Yes, I have so much blessings. This year, we have experienced God’s overwhelming presence, peace and comfort. I was held with love by my Father in heaven. I see doors of opportunities opening for our family. I see the favour of God pouring over us. He has provided, He has sustained and He has comforted us.

yesterday was David’s 10th birthday. Today is mom’s 40th day in heaven.

As much as i wanted to celebrate david’s big 10, i also felt a pang of sadness knowing that this was the first celebration my mom had missed. It sucks for her not to be here. I watched an episode of this is us where Randall imagined that “what if” his dad didn’t die and I just started bawling imagining “what if” mama didn’t die. She would demand us to cook something special for David. She would organize for everyone to be there and dress up. She would ask for pictures and prepare something special. And it breaks my heart.

today was a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn’t able to sleep last night so I ended up sleeping in until 10 am. yep, my daughter entertained herself for an hour and a half while waiting for me to wake up. Then when I woke up and opened my phone, I saw a friend of mine’s dad also passed away due to cancer.

All of a sudden, all the emotions of the morning of my mom’s passing all came rushing back to my mind. I remember my sister yelling “ATEEE!!!” very early in the morning and me running downstairs to see them trying to revive my mom. I remember all the different reactions. My dad frantically getting the towels, my sister trying to wake her up, and me just standing there - in awe. Even after I checked her pulse, I already knew in my heart. And I didn’t cry. I prayed for her, I told her I loved her. My sister telling my dad that we love him and we will never leave him. Us all crying together as a family. We didn’t always see each other eye to eye but we always got each other. 

Then the funeral planning. The stress. The hurtful comments made by other relatives. The numbness. The constant exhaustion. Me feeling like I’m operating in autopilot. It’s been almost a month, yet with one news, all of the feelings seemed so raw still. I felt for my friend who is now going through the loss. I said a 90 second prayer for her and her family. It’s definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. 

We were supposed to go to stackt market for dinner today but ended up in Koreatown for some chicken. I bought some onigiri also and it made me think of my mom again. I don’t think I was ever in a denial stage after Mama died. I guess my grieving already started when she was initially diagnosed. I think my denial then was that God WILL heal her because He loves her. I know He can. But a part of me thought I was smarter than God, and that this is just a test of our faith. Haaaaaaaaaa ok. And that He will heal her. Completely. We will be the exception, we will be the miracle. I declared that, I prayed that, I believed that.