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NO 👏 I WILL NOT READ A BOOK 👏 CALLED 👏 GIRL 👏 WASH 👏 YOUR 👏 FACE 👏 STOP IT 👏

I swear to god our children will watch a Netflix documentary of the same name produced in the year 2058 about cult leader Rachel Hollis.

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Overheard

Asking one of my most creative girlfriends to help me think outside the box for an upcoming baby shower I’m hosting....

A: so it’s a sports theme, but gender–neutral.

J: like, women’s field hockey? I don’t understand.

Overheard

Browsing social media...

A: omg did you know Jojo Is playing Trees tonight?

M: Get out.

A. Yeah I know...

M: RIGHT NOW

A: Goddamnit you’re good

I just realized

I’ve been saying “we’re busy, but slowly getting caught up, thank goodness, because I can’t keep up this pace much longer’ since NOVEMBER 2016, when I actually considered *accidentally* missing a couple BC pills, just so I could maybe get an eight week vacation lined up for like approximately nine months in the future. That didn’t work out. We are not caught up. I’M FUCKING EXHAUSTED YOU GUYS AND I WANT TO GO HOME.

Overheard

I managed to incorporate the phrase “speaking of starting a family” into casual conversation no fewer than three times today, so, that’s the actual life situation in which my poor, sweet boyfriend finds himself:

A: “Had a conversation with (one of my coworkers) earlier about retiring. So. Speaking of starting a family.”

A: “Speaking of starting a family, listen to this crazy trivia I learned about armadillos today.”

A: “OMG, speaking of starting a family... there’s a new Handmaids Tale.”

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Hey! You!

Text your brother. Right now. Even if you think he’s probably busy. Even if you’re like 85% sure he won’t even respond, he’ll see it. Text him. Tell him you’re proud of him. Ask him if he’s watching Westworld. Fuck, ask him what he had for lunch today. Just don’t ever, ever ever hesitate to text your brother, every single time you think about it, ok?

Overheard

Pillow talk

A: night, babe. Love you.

M: Love you too.

A.....

A: I learned a cool thing about spiders today.

M: nope. I’m good.

A: ok.

A.....

A: it’s not like an ooky thing...

M: still good though.

A: mkay. Goodnight then.

M: goodnight.

I don’t shop at Tom Thumb very often, so when I do, because I’ve never bothered to sign up for my own rewards card, I always just enter my mom‘s phone number to take advantage of the savings and give her the fuel points on her (technically Randall’s, in Austin) account. Except, like probably 50% of the time, the number that comes out of my mouth when asked is the home phone number from my early childhood, which has not belonged to anyone in my family in over 18 years. And I never realize it until the cashier handed me my receipt and says, thank you Mrs. Rogers, have a great evening. So shout out to Mrs. Rogers, whoever you are, thanks for the discounts on all the wine and frozen mac & cheese, I hope this has happened enough times that you’ve gotten that 10 cent gas bonus reward by now.

Holy shit you guys

2018 is going to be the most amazing year. ✈️🐒🐘🌴🍲🛵🏝🌋⛩🌺🤯

Observation

Having a gas heater is kind of like living with a mildly perturbed fire breathing dragon.

Also, please pass the hand cream? Thanks.

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Ghost cat.

We have one. I’m quite certain our house is haunted by a ghost cat. We know the previous owners had a cat, whose litter box was kept in our hall closet and accessed through a little cat door installed the door (that door has since been replaced with a new, solid door and the inside of the closet bleached down and deodorized multiple times because, fucking gross). THREE YEARS LATER I still get occasional, STRONG whiffs of litter box walking down the hall and occasionally in our guest bedroom. I always go back to that closet to investigate, and determine it’s not coming from inside the closet. The only logical explanation is, the ghost cat can’t get inside his closet anymore since we took his cat door away, so now he ghost-pees in our hallway and guest room as revenge.

Moral of this story: even ghost cats are assholes, guys.

Overheard

M: there’s really nothing sadder than people watching on a casino floor at 9 am on a Monday.

A: except the fact that we, too, were on a casino floor at 9 am on a Monday.

Pro tip

A poncho is just a business-casual Snuggie.

Y’all honestly

There’s nothing better for the self esteem of a mid-30s chick who recently celebrated(?) a birthday than attending a gay wedding. I’m so happy for the newlyweds, but also, thank you for sharing all of your sweet friends, so that they could just gratuitously compliment my hair and dress and shoes all weekend. What a fucking fantastic trip.

Life hack

Save time AND money when you let yesterday’s mascara become today’s eyeliner. Skip the makeup remover and thank me later.

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Anya is LIVE right now

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Overheard

Listening to a podcast about the recent study of CTE brain damage in 111 former professional NFL football players

Podcast: 110 out of 111 brains tested had permanent brain injuries from CTE.

A: WUT THATS MORE THAN 100%

...

A: Right.... That’s not how percents work.

Ways to tell if he’s The One

October Friday night/True Crime edition:

*they arrive home with their takeout pizza, each pour themselves a drink and get situated on the sofa*

M: hey babe?

A: yeah?

M: can we watch basketball for like 30 minutes, and then dedicate the rest of the night to the Menendez brothers?

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