WHERE THOUGHTS UNFOLD

But I wasn’t always the victim.  I too, was the player.

I have this fear of “trying”. I’m scared of bad experiences and shockingly, even the good ones. Why? Well because I realized that when I invest on something or someone, things either turn good to an extent where it gets super annoying or just.. very bad. But then again, I am the type of person who is always hopeful. I try to see the good in bad. I try to look at the paper as a whole instead of the black dot in the middle. I try to think of good outcomes instead of analyzing the cons. I try to convince myself that I am healed even when clearly.. I am not. And this my friend, is where it led to a lot of stupid decisions that I am not proud of.

Have you ever been in a position where you have found someone and you think that things might turn out different? I mean, you managed to connect with that person. Nothing special or some sort, no spark, no butterflies in your tummy but the conversation keeps on going. He/She tries to win you over – dinner, flowers, gifts & etc. Later, as time passes by, you tell yourself, “Shit! I think I’m falling for this person” but at the same time, you’re still not sure whether a relationship is what you really wanted. Then, it hit you. And by ‘it’, I mean, all the unnecessary bullshits - “what if he turns out to be like the others?”, “what if he cheats on me?”, “what if he’s abusive like my ex?”, “what if he is not able to keep up with me?”, “what if he leaves again?” and yada yada yada.

Overthinking ruins a lot of things. It ruined the chances of me being happy. Happiness is subjective and it should not be narrowed down to having a partner, I know. But the context that I am in right now is relationship. Hence, bear with me please. At that moment, if I weren’t too paranoid, I would have not hurt people. I left without warning when clearly I was interested in that person. I said bitter things that I didn’t mean to say. I ignored a person as if he meant nothing at all. One day I’m there, the next day I disappear. I unintentionally punished people for what my exes did. All because I was.. scared. Scared that history might repeat itself again. I was so afraid of getting hurt, I ended up doing the exact same thing. Oh, the irony.

As hopeful as I try to be though, my negativity tends to obscure my rationality. Thus, what I learned is that, before letting your heart wander on its own, fix yourself. Mend that broken heart on your own because honey, no one can ever make you feel content but yourself. Never expect the new partner to do this for you. Trust me, I’ve been there and it didn’t work. The idea of having a partner is to grow together, not fixing one another. Two vital components are acceptance and forgiveness. Accept the fact that things happened and it wasn’t meant to be. Forgive him/her and most importantly, forgive yourself. Be happy on your own, only then the next person can flourish you with love. Like what Gnash said in his song ‘You gotta be happy alone, to be happy together’.

“How do I move on?”

“How do I forget?”

These are the questions that I usually get from friends and even strangers. Questions that I, myself, don’t really know how or what to answer. I had it rough before, my past relationships I mean. I was the girl that boys stepped on, the girl that boys took advantage of, the girl boys cheated on and the girl that boys saw as property. I still remember how low of a position I allowed myself to be into. I begged for a boy to stay when clearly he was in love with another girl. Endless calls and messages were given to a boy whom clearly didn’t want me. I asked for chances to change and to prove that I could be the one even though the difficult situation we were in at that time was not caused by me. I degraded myself to be at par with a boy who didn’t want to change for the better. I stayed with a boy who had issues by convincing me that his actions were only temporary. I changed so much for boys, I forgot who I was. Later on, I turned cold and mean - everything I promised I wouldn’t be.

All of that changed after I found myself again. Heartbreaks after heartbreaks, I realized that I deserve someone who is worthy of me and I started respecting myself. Instead of always thinking I am not good enough because of boys who couldn’t afford to love me, I focused more on the characteristics I possess and how that can mould me into a better human being. Boys not knowing how to treat me right is not an indicator of my self-worth or who I am as a person. I no longer seek validations from boys, let alone their love. Why? Because all I will ever need is me and what I think of myself. What I do, what I say, how I handle things and how I view the world as it is are the elements that make me, well, ME. I am often told that a woman who speaks her mind is bossy and a woman who is independent is usually seen as snobbish. Hence, I remind myself every day that viewing myself as a queen and acknowledging the fact that I deserve nothing but the best do not make me conceited nor narcissistic. I personally believe in “likes attract likes”. For example, when you are the best version of yourself, you will attract the same and if you’re not, vice versa.

Its 3:30am at the moment and I can’t seem to shut my eyes. As you can see from the tittle, here’s a continuation post on my law degree journey. Semester 3... Hmmm... to be honest, I don’t remember much about it. It’s pretty vague to me but I can clearly remember the first thing I did before heading back to my rumah sewa (KV) - picked up my new pair of Stan Smith which I bought with my own money and visited my little sister at her boarding school.

I still stayed in the same house with the same housemates. So, no pressure on that part and just like everyone else I guess, we bonded even more! September 2016 was the month that Fina and I basically went back and forth to the airport to say our goodbyes to our friends who were flying overseas. Words cannot even depict how proud we are of our friends but despite that, deep down, Fina and I always nag to each other “Kenapalah kita tak belajar elok-elok masa SPM” or something along the lines of “Kalau kita tak banyak main masa dekat TKC, confirm kita pun fly doh”. But what to do, UiTM sahajalah di hati kami (not saying that its a bad thing though, don’t get me wrong) ♡

1st year of LLB gave me a vivid picture on how law school is going to be like. Hence, I was basically prepared that the classes are going to be more difficult. The subjects that I took were basically new and I could even choose an elective subject;

EQUITY AND TRUST

LAND LAW 1

CRIMINAL LAW 1

ADMINISTRATIVE LAW

ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (elective)

LITERARY APPRECIATION

DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY IMAGING II

INTRODUCTORY JAPANESE (LEVEL III)

Just like previous semesters, I worked hard on the study part. But this time around I started studying early. And when I said early, I legit started doing my revision during Week 3. However, I had a few problems during this semester - one of my lecturer was sick and it so happened to be that the subject she was teaching was one of the hardest subjects ever. Hence, I was lost most of the time especially during her absence and I even cried while answering the paper during the final exam. Anyways, during study week, everyone did their revision in the living room. There were a lot of discussions going on and we helped each other out on the memorising part. Also, I slept before my papers without fail (this surprised me & my housemates hahaha). Everyone knows how kiasu I can be during final exam but fortunately, that changed and I’m so happy that it did :)

Moving on, I joined the ALSA Client Consultation Competition. It was a last minute participation. Initially, I was only a committee for that event but then I decided to face my fear because come on, we all know how much of scaredy-cat I am when it comes to talking in public and I figured “bila lagi?”. I told myself “Sampai bila nak jadi pengecut Aida Shahima?!?!” So, I teamed up with Iqbal (senior) and we managed to get 2nd place despite being first-timers! Also, I was chosen to represent UiTM to Terengganu for the the national level competition. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT man! But yeah, your girl DID that. Mind you, the competition was only a week away from final exam so I struggled a bit in balancing things.