Who Am I? 🍃🌲🌾🌙🔆

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by Ksenia Kudashkina

🌙✨

My mind likes to battle with me. Every day I wake up and I feel good but then resistance allows me not to get out of bed. I finally wake and get out to start my day; the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, my cats are purring, my plants are growning. Then swish my mind goes gray, I’m lost confused everything is going fine but my mind wants me to go south. Now I force myself to go to work. I’m late to work when I woke up with more than enough time. I go throughout the day with doubts and fears yet a smile on my face. Optimism in my eyes. Yet the battle takes over. happy sad happy sad happy sad. Work finally ends I’m free! But all day at work I’ve been thinking of everything that makes me happy. This is where I become impulsive... I spend too much money l, I drink too much, I eat too much food. I’m becoming fat yet the food taste soo good. And now I realize I’m writing this and this probably makes no sense and I have no clue what I’m talking about but for some reason I needed to write this down. 

They know nothing about me , who I am , what I am, what I can become , and who I once was. As I bleed in the middle of the campus yard I can see faint lights of all the building and the bright moon above me getting covered by the clouds. I feel alive , alone , scared, happy. Wait my bracelets my gifts my thank yous that are tied around my wrist are also feeling my blood, absorbing it. I’m now one with my bracelets .. I’m not making sense I’m rambling .. But I can’t stop typing .. I can’t feel my lungs any more yet I still breathe . I’m so hot omg I’m sweating but I see people in coats and long pants I’m scared I’m alone but I have so many people to go to .. I just don’t want them to know that I’ve relapsed..

Sooo I’ve been cutting for quite some time … and I just started to see a counselor Like 4 for weeks now and umm well I feel like its not working …..and I’m feeling really guilty cuz yesterday she asked me if I’ve cut and I have and I was ashamed and im scared and Idk what to do…. why am I still cutting if im getting help.. shouldnt I be getting better ..

I’m just scared

Your personal stalker

Ready for soup