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do what? o.o

Sometimes I don't recognize myself and think I'm not who i am or Who i was, but i have never changed, In my own eyes that is; And when everyone say's i have changed i'm thinking to myself all the thing's that have changed and the causes for the change. And i Realized, the last time i stared at myself in the mirror (Which was about an hour ago) That the MAIN cause of changes in my life are either for other's to like me more, or the other reason because of all the Shit that goes on in my life. Whether it's stuff that made me cry, or mad, or just to one of my TRUE breaking point's. And i'm finally realizing i can't change anymore, and i need to stop changing or else ill be filled with more stress than what i have, My anger issues will be enhanced and i don't want to be angry anymore. It's not that i don't want to, It's because i have to; Because im just SO fucking tired of being me anymore. Iv'e lost friends, Iv'e lost Family, Iv'e cause my dad to stop caring about me Iv'e lost love from my mom, My own sister doesn't even want to deal with me. My step-brother that was one of my best friend's stopped talking to me because i have turned into an even more low-life uncontrollable raging version of him. I mean our lifes are completely the same his mom loved him for the longest time and stopped out of no where and traded her love for his son for some guy she met. My mom same exact thing. His dad he has never met but showed 3 years ago saying he wanted to change for his son (my step-brother) borrowed 5 grand from him and took-off. Now my dad i live with him and even though that's something different between me and him. I can still Kind of relate because My dad when i was growing up from the day i was born until i was 14 or 15 Drank all the time wasn't a day he wasn't drunk or High off of The Rich man's Drug (Cocaine) He was never There for me, and when he was there he wasn't Mentally or Lovingly there. He Beat me all the time, when he was drunk or high on Cocaine he would Beat me like i was his own pinyatta (how ever you spell that) He used Bat's to my back, Those table Ball Paddles to my face. Fists to my Gut and everywhere else. He once Shoved a fork in my arm to wake me up. And when i was 14 The day he realized what he was doing BUT STILL did it; He took a Knife, One of my own for Hunting with my moms old boyfriend. Put a knife to my neck During a huge fight because i didn't do something right. He was sober Knew exactly what he was doing. Threw me on the ground, Told me was worthless and Didnt mean anything to him, and was worth a can of beer too him if someone offered it. Spit on my face Laughed and said, "Your growing up son, in 4 more years I'm kicking you right to the curb, I'll taking your phone, with no money to give and you can live on the fucking corner for all i care and die from hunger." I was drenched in tear's. At that moment i wiped the spit off my face with my shirt took it off and Punched him directly in the face Straight on, I had broken his Nose, 4 of his teeth, and bruised his cheek bone. After i had picked him up and slammed him onto our cement floor i broke his back, and hurt mine from lifting him, Over the last two years. This is the main reason i try to change for everyone because I'm afraid of hurting the people i love. That day was the day my anger issues started to get noticed i have always had them but i never had my hugest breaking point until then. i had so many year's of anger and sadness Built up and i still do. everyday after that fight my dad never touched a bottle of beer or alcohol until recently. Still has never touched Cocaine again, At least for what i know. All in All the only reason i told you this story is because this is the main reason i have changed over the year's. People who have added on since then have helped a whole lot and i'm tired of changing. But the worst part i haven't told anyone yet was that at 4:16 today, My dad had a snap out while my grandma was at the store. He had drank 2 cases of beer, and a bottle of captain morgan right before snapping. He Had came down to my room while i was sleeping took my remote and had Launched it at my face to wake me up. And said "Wake up, Scrawny little bitch." i was lost, surprised, but mostly Scared out of my mind. i didnt know what to do because i was well, Tired, Scared, i thought it was a nightmare. but it was real and i was just taking everything he did to me today and he started beating me again and i didnt know what to do he punched my in my face twice kicked my neck and called my a lot of names, like stupid, useless, worthless, and most of all just retarded. My Grandma (who moved in after the last fight we had when i was 14 to watch my dad and make sure he didnt do anything to me) The first time she didn't think he would be drunk and left Came back in the middle of my dad drunk out of his mind beating me today. i have bruised all over me today. not my face thank god. I'm Scared as im typing this. No one know's besides the 13 of my followers now. and i just dont know what to do. I'm scared.