meet me in the AFTERGLOW

It had been a long day and a longer week for Sky. It was officially summer vacation so the aquarium had been over run by wild children and their already exhausted parents or nannies. During the summer, they doubled the daily marine mammal shows so he'd been talking nonstop. It was going to be a long summer. Sky was ready to be home in his bed for the next two days. As much as he loved living on Mirabella... Sky really hated this fucking ferry sometimes.

"Mind if I sit here?" He asked, finding an empty seat next to someone looking out at the ocean. Sky sat down before he even finished asking. He was trying to be polite, but he was sitting regardless. He let out a yawn, covering his mouth with his hand. "God, it's been a long week." He sighed. "There's a beer and some buffalo wings with my name on it the second I get off this boat."

it was all different now. perhaps age was finally getting to him, perhaps the intensity of la was now too much to handle and he had now gotten used to the tranquility of mirabella with his dog and the liberty to just sit and write. when the other spoke up and called for sebastian's attention, the older man looked up and immediately nodded, the look on the younger man's visibly tired face matching his very own so his empathy grew exponentially. he grabbed his coat and brief he had taken to his multiple meetings about ownership of novel he had not yet written and gave the other more room to sit. "please, be my guest. want some water? i have an extra" he asked, pulling a new bottle of water from the pocket of his coat. "sorry to hear that, everything alright?" came the question. not just trying to act cordial but a genuine interest for who would be by his side for the next few minutes. "i hear you. i have some chicken parm i've been thinking about all day at home but coming to think of it a trip to marigold's may just sound better. whenever i make fries they never taste like theirs."

▋▋▋ after waiting for what feels like long enough, she accepts the ⎯⎯ obvious, undeniable ⎯⎯ truth that her tinder date has quietly slipped out. sam thiiiiiinks it was something she said, probably when she pointed out that "agree to disagree" only really works if both understand the subject, otherwise it's just something people say when they can't defend their point anymore. her date had nodded slowly, excused themselves to the bathroom and never came back. winning the argument and losing a person in the same five-minute span is a personal record worth a celebratory drink, so she stays. “ that's either the worst business model i've ever heard or the most confident one, ” observes as she slips onto the stool, resting an elbow against the bar. brown hues scan the lineup of bottles, like she's evaluating her options before choosing what poison to commit to, then looks back at present company. “ deal. i promise i'll order responsibly because freeloading is not a good look. oh and i'm not planning on getting drunk—-but if i did, i'm actually . . . well, mostly a high functioning drunk. though as a precaution, i would cut myself off when i start quoting murrow, ” a corner of her mouth tugs up, just enough to make it clear she's enjoying herself. “ would you like to go first ? ”

in divya’s line of work, she had to pretend to like a lot of the media she consumed. it was in the job description. but only while on the job. what she did and said offline didn’t matter; well, mostly. it really did depend on who her audience happened to be if she decided to share her opinion. fortunately for her, she had found something of a kindred spirit in the friendly, if not as judgy as she, bookstore owner. she decided to stop by joe’s pizza on the way in, and grab them a pizza fritta to share; so when she slips into folklore, a pizza box juggles precariously atop her palm, which easily could have slipped when he draws attention to a new adversary.

her gaze falls away from sebastian and quickly towards the forbidden corner where a young woman is perusing. she echoes his sigh, then nods, understanding the desperate need for some wine. especially after hearing that. she settles the box against the counter top then gives him a small nod, acknowledging his strife but also, “first of all         do not get the jacob elordi hype at all. secondly —  i don’t hate a dark mafia romance, but that is far and few between. the last dark romance book i read had me putting my book down and repeatedly saying: what the fuck did i just read?” divya gives sebastian a thoughtful look before winding her neck back, “why don’t you get the wine out, and i get the hot girls read shirt wearing idiot out of here?”

oh, divya loves a good game. but she loves free drinks even more. her head turns toward the door, briefly, catching the last of a rather loud group of friends enter babylon, then returns to position where the bartender is waiting for her expectantly. leaning in, conspiratorially, she beams, answering them with an eager nod. "oh, you most definitely have yourself a deal,” she answers easily, because thankfully she gets to do some pretty unbelievable stuff, courtesy of her job. sometimes even she doesn’t think her life is real and the experiences she has are possible.

tapping a finger against her chin, almost performatively, she presses her lips together, her gaze having drifted as she considers. then, immediately, they switch back to the bartender and she smiles. “okay,” she establishes, tone light, reminiscent of her usual on-screen personality and devoid of her naturalness to avoid giving anything away. “a few years ago, i had tequila shots with zoë kravitz at an oscars after party… umm         i was raised in london. and — oh. for a limited time, i had a sandwich named after me at a deli in west hollywood.” her brow arches, perfectly filled in, and she tilts her head in amusement. “what do you think?”

how the hell was she in front of them, in babylon's busiest and most chaotic night, surrounded by rainbow genitalia paraphernalia? their life was a sick, sick joke. their gaze, traveling through the woman's face trying to make sense as of how this dream had come to life fell to the other's lips and when they realized they were moving, panic set in. not only had they been staring, but divya was talking and so far the only sounds traveling through their ear canal were an unknown ringing and the thud of their fast-moving heart. they could see the word london falling from their lips so they decided to lock in and if they lost, at least they could say they bought their biggest crush a drink. "london! i'm going with london" of course they'd heard her incredibly attractive accent a thousand times but they had made their bed by now and there were growing suspicions in their mind divya really came from a fantastical land anyway and their brain was only half functioning. "deli sandwich i believe one hundred percent. i'm surprised you don't have like a drink or a hard liquor in your name now with that face and what was the first one?" they'd seen her lips move to what seemed to be 'tequila' and 'zoe kravitz' which to them, belonged together. "yeah— the kravitz's are wild so i can see that. how did i do?"

"i  couldn't  blame  him,"  the  strawberry  blonde  glanced  up  and  somewhat  over  her  shoulder  to  witness  her  neighbor  making  yet  another  nightly  entrance  with  a  tray  of  goods.  "you're  a  wizard  with  your  offerings.  if  i  hadn't  known  you  to  share  i'd  be  working  up  theft  as  well."  blue  eyes  moved  over  what  he  was  setting  on  the  table  between  them,  the  drawings  in  her  lap  of  her  latest  work  project  forgotten  about  momentarily  as  her  lips  stayed  quirked  with  some  amusement.  typically,  caz  found  ways  to  pay  back  the  author's  hospitality.  especially  since  he'd  mostly  taken  over  this  part  of  their  quality  time.  the  irishwoman  appreciated  many  things  but  whenever  it  was  her  turn  the  offerings  were  much  more  basic  and  simple.

the author grabbed his own bottle of beer as he made himself comfortable on his seat, a small nod given as an immediate response. "i mean why not? you wanna gatekeep that knowledge so you can mesmerize everyone with your talent? i see how it is" a chuckle fell from his lips then at the other's implication as he brought the neck of the bottle to his lips, giving a small sip. "i'll have you known i know my way around the dancerfloor so joke's on you, i'll be great irish dance student. i have my mother's reputation to uphold so i take dancing very seriously" his lips curled up further hearing about his friend's band. "sounds fun. let me know when in august and i'll get some tickets. ever wanted to play another instrument?" then, his eyes fell on the bottle as a soft sigh escaped his lips. "publisher. nothing special, bargain, if you will. 'give us something, a chapter, or this fancy wine will be the last thing you see from us' type of deal which sounds counterintuitive if you ask me" he shrugged.

immediately, tears pricked her eyes at the words. “jo,” she chastised softly, reaching up to wipe her eyes, rushed and embarrassed at the response, “you can’t make me cry so soon; or at all.” part of saffron hated how easily she’d become so fragile - her body keen to react this way with the slightest of emotional responses. anger was an old friend - something she could always count on to find her eventually. usually, the anger was directed at herself and, very rarely, others. but even that familiar anger caught her off-guard these days; tears would form quickly in her eyes before she could react with harsh words. it was truly maddening not being able to control it. but at least these tears she could understand. 

she had spent years harboring a regret so deep that it had become its own zip code at leaving joey. and to be here now, with joey so attentive and gentle, apologizing of all things, saffron truly felt like she could go insane for a moment. the visceral reaction to hearing joey say they had loved her caught saffron completely off-guard. taken aback, her face became marred by painful memories of their last fight, of the things they’d said to each other, of the way they had left things. deep down, saffron knew that she had loved joey too. but she’d never said that. she had neglected to say the words in fear of so many things that seemed stupid now. and sitting at the other end of this small table now, with joey just across it, saffron felt so insurmountably exhausted that all she wanted to do was curl up with them and cry. 

but she was trying. trying to not appear as if she was broken, trying to appear stronger than she was. so, gradually, she glanced towards their hands, winced when she realized she’d been digging her dull nails into the backs of joey’s hands, and took them back to her own lap before she could do any real damage. “sorry,” she whispered, eyes dropping down to the stare at pale nails and wonder why she’d never been able to accept love like clove, why she acted like this every time she received it. 

her sister was beautiful, she also couldn’t be more different from saffron if she’d tried - and she had relentlessly. when they were younger, the need to stand apart from her twin had reared its ugly head and clove had done all she could to separate them through action, even going as far as to say she disliked the same things saffron liked. saffron was the only one who knew that clove had enjoyed those hobbies or things the same way saffron had. it used to hurt her, how badly her sister wanted to be different from her. she used to think that maybe there was something deeply unsettling or wrong with her if clove had wanted to be so different. now, of course, she realized that clove’s own insecurities had eaten her alive so much that she pretended to like something she hated all because she didn’t want to live in saffron’s shadow. 

but they had been, were always, so inherently different to saffron that the stupid shit hadn’t mattered. disliking a hobby seemed so shallow in comparison to clove’s ability to shine in public, to draw people to her rather than turn them away. saffron had struggled so much in her youth, and now, with accepting love. she balked at the idea of physical affection in theory, but in practice? she was practically starved for it. she had only ever permitted certain individuals to touch her, hug her, or do anything physical. boyfriends were kept at a strict distance until, eventually, they decided she wasn’t worth the effort. relief hit in those instances particularly hard as she was also ready to get rid of the next guy to keep appearances. and it had been that way for as long as saffron could remember.

until joey. 

and when saffron was with them, she clung too tightly, too instinctive to their form of protection, to their form of love. after all these years, she felt slightly mad and starved for it now. so much so that she’d likely hurt them with her grasp. she felt bad for it; bitterness spread across her tongue at the thought that she’d done that. but deep down, it wasn’t surprising. saffron found her actions these days to not be surprising at all. 

when she’d first arrived to the island, she’d been distraught. embarrassed, humiliated, and deeply betrayed, she had stayed at the bnb and, if it weren’t for rhiannon, saffron didn’t know how she would have survived. gradually, her life here had settled and she too had a new routine. but her heart was still fragile, the anger still there, and the want to be loved deeper than ever. and at the slightest hint of it, she’d turned into a rabid dog on the scent of a blood trail. 

a deep sigh left her then, and she found that she had so much to say and little idea on how to get it all out. this was a problem that she’d run into in the past as well with joey. her feeling for them encompassed so much that speaking them into existence always felt so daunting. but she thought that she needed to say something to confirm her feelings, even if this confession was several years too fucking late. 

“i loved you, jojo.” affection shown deep in her eyes, reverence spreading but she didn’t reach out; she was afraid again of what she might do if she got her hands on joey’s skin again. “you were everything gentle and loving and accepting; you were my anchor and my safety, my shield. i wanted to be with you forever…” glancing away, saffron’s eyes remained glassy, a tick forming in her jaw as she bit down the urge to really cry. “i’m sorry too. sorry that i never told you that, and sorry that i was ashamed of myself…” 

then, came joey's friendships. undoubtedly there was a sense of companionship and loyalty in both of their social circles but when looking at them through a magnifying glass— it was still not a healthy demonstration of love. the circle tied to their family was every bit as conniving and insidious as the paredes and the one johanna had found although the complete opposite, was devoided of any real feeling out of pure survival instinct. everyone had been scarred enough to let people in to poke said scars, keeping every member at arms lenght. always a fun time, never any depth to their time spent together and at the time, it had been just what joey thought they needed.

then, in walks saffron with her blonde hair and caring eyes and every defense joey had built crumbled down almost instantly, like they'd been waiting for that moment all their life.

loving saffron was the one thing that was never hard. the situation itself was complicated— their environment was always cruel and vicious, always trying to pull them apart and mocking whatever their small minds couldn't comprehend about the two of them. there were times when their feelings were so intense and joey had been so young, the realization of the depth of them had been terrifying and haunting. and yet, it had come as easy as breathing. at their worst and with their heart wounded the love had always been an overwhelming flame, fed with every heartbeat they took. it was the one constant in johanna's life and although at many times it wounded, it was comforting to know it kept them company even at their lowest.

being loved was a completely different story. it seemed impossible in their mind. it wasn't in their genes to let themself be a lovable creature, to let people in enough to truly be known and in the rare cases they did, they knew they were hard to digest and even harder to love unconditionally. joey knew they were fun to be with and a few traits that allowed them to be liked, sought after, even. joey didn't sell themself short simply knew being loved was a category they couldn't reach. and then saffron happened and for the first time, joey wanted to be the person people fall in love with, believed they could be and found refuge in the way the other's eyes would shine looking at them, the promise of a maybe, even if said words were not exchanged.

when joey and saffron parted ways, it was nothing more than a confirmation to their deepest suspicions and their mother's constant warning. 'who could ever love someone so broken?' had been told to them the minute they had decided to leave the paredes residence and it had haunted them every moment since. it had settled deep within them not in a rancorous way, just a fact about life they had to live with. being liked and desired joey could live an eternity with, could build a career over.

alas, sitting here with their eyes glued to saffron's tearing ones, the words that fell from her lips was perhaps the biggest shock in johanna paredes' life. every belief system that had moved them for the past seven or twenty eight years were broke by three simple words and the nickname reserved by a few. not only that, but the person they had loved the most in their life had loved them back for even a short period of time. they could feel the walls beginning to close around them, the fabric of their shirt and jeans against their skin now suffocatingly tight. a part of them wanted to run, put an end to the topic and run away from mirabella for the foreseeable future only to avoid the pit in their stomach that kept getting bigger and bigger with each breath. they considered going back to the mainland, hunting down their old supplier and lose themself for the next three days to not have to deal with the mess they'd made. old habits do die hard, after all.

instead, the bartender sat in place, petrified for a second, replying saffron's words over and over again in the back of their head even a few seconds after the blonde was done talking and mourning what was, what could've been. they gulped harshly, swallowing every word left unsaid and every feeling down to the warm cavity of their chest where they would be kept safe for the time being upon hearing saffron's apology.

a skilled, callous hand reached over to wipe a tear from the other's cheeks, decidingly leaving it in place with a palm pressed gently against saffron's skin. "you have done nothing wrong by just being you, saffron. i hope you know that now" joey said earnestly, their tone gentle and pained with their eyes fixated on the other's and refusing to break contact to prove a point. "you are the loveliest thing i have ever had in my life, you gave me more than you will ever know just by existing. and there is nothing made of you that should be shameful, less alone this part of you" their voice earnest and as calm as they could muster.

there was one thing joey was thankful for inheriting from their mother; the pride of being their authentic self. it moved who they were as a person, how they acted and what they faught for. if they weren't proud of the part of themself others found shameful and sinful, there was a chance joey would be lost by now so knowing saffron didn't have the same feeling pained them. but maybe, just maybe, joey they could one day work to make saffron look what the bartender looked at when they saw her, to be proud to love and be herself.

at saffron's answer, jo nodded acknowledgingly and remained silent for a brief moment as they tried to gather their thoughts, dropping their hand on the table. joey had a established life now in mirabella, a life they had grown to love. they loved babylon, difficult patrons and difficult drinks included. they loved their roomates and even the little surprise roomate that came with aurora that became like joey's niece, loved her even through sleepless nights and crying fits. loved the people they'd grown accustomed to; the old man living three bungalows away from theirs that cussed out every child who walked by and the girl who often tried to sneak into the babylon who was still in her teens and would give them shit for not letting her in. loved even the influx of tourists that came over summer and tried to be 'good' in their own dumb and condescending ways. for the first time, joey had a life they loved. and they knew saffron could love hers in town, too, that was the appeal of the little island they both now called home.

question was; did they fit in eachother's lives still?

once upon a time, saffron had been madly, completely in love with them. so smitten that she'd spent the better part of a year - that last year - wondering if they could make it if they ran together. saffron had every faith that they would. but when jo had asked, she remembered finding her mother on her stomach in her bedroom, face down in her own mess just two weeks prior, remembered the call to the ambulance, remembered how close of a call it had really been. and then, after that picture had flashed before her eyes, she remembered clove and her self-inflicted responsibility of being the one person her twin could count on. and she knew then - she couldn't leave. and god...

her eyes pricked with tears as she remembered that time and how utterly heartbroken she'd been. she had wanted nothing more than to leave - to be with joey, to be free of all of them, all of the responsibility. her cheating, absent father. her conniving, manipulative twin. her sick, unstable mother. all of it had felt like too much. she'd been in the beginning of law school, her degree a noose hanging around her neck, pulling her down with every new exam and lecture. and clove had been... so much, of course. saffron had known that she was following the same path as her mother, but she thought, maybe, she could stop it somehow. she'd been very wrong. and maybe, maybe that was her punishment for breaking joey's heart. maybe she deserved everything that happened after...

blinking away the wet sheen in her eyes, she huffed out a short laugh at the absurdity of it all suddenly. her eyes flickered to the tables around them, the people who stared. it made saffron's skin crawl to be watched like that; it reminded her of before. but she did not have the same reaction as before - she did not shy away, and instead, she shook her head. "don't worry about it," she was only half there in the conversation, she realized then. her mind was running a million miles away and then... jo's hand brushed hers and saffron held on. her hand just kind of clasped over the sticky mess in joey's and held. she couldn't remember the last time she'd held someone's hand. maybe an old boyfriend? or maybe birdie? she couldn't recall.

the touch sent little zaps of electricity down her arms, and the question - well, she was expecting it. maybe not then, but soon. her eyes softened at the bewildered and hurt expression that jo wore. they were hurting and it was because of her. saffron's eyes held her own pain there too, a seemingly permanent scar etched across hazel orbs. when she looked in the mirror these days, she could still see the girl from before; shadows of her own ghost. but more and more, she didn't really recognize who she saw there. she wondered who joey saw when they looked at her now; still the girl who left them? still the girl who loved them? still the girl ashamed of her own shadow?

now, looking back and with the perspective maturity and sobriety provided them— there wasn't an ounce in their body that didn't understand saffron and the decision she'd made to stay. joey had been irrational and young, fed up by grief, hatred and an absurd quantity of drugs to numb it all. even though their promise of a better life had been sincere, they knew deep down they would've crashed and burn together had saffron accepted the proposal of leaving everything she knew behind. it was then when it dawned on the dj that perhaps they were exactly where they were supposed to be.

when saffron's hand held onto theirs without a warning, joey nearly fell over. they had never been big on physical demonstration of affection— except when it mattered, with people that mattered. it had always seemed too personal, to intimate and it made their skin crawl, but not when it came to saffron. it should've been unpleasant: the stickiness of the coffee, the fabric of saff's clothes brushing against her and the tact of her skin on theirs alone should've been enough to be bothersome and yet, there was nothing but calmness if even for a brief moment. someone laughed then, making them snap out of it and remove their hand like it was burning while looking around. "come on, there's a table there" they pointed to a free table on the back of the café, away from prying ears and private enough to feel safe and out of the entry's way.

hearing saffron speak once they were both settled, jo bit their inner cheek. not on their wildest dreams did the dj ever expect to hear those words uttered to them by the girl in front of them. 'i'm here' bounced around their brain rendering them speechless. the look on the other's face tug a strain on joey's already tender, raw and wild heart, causing them to reach over and place their hand on top of the other's. years passed and their hand still knew saffron's to memory; every crevice and fine line mapped out on the palm of their hand. big doe-eyes filled with tears unshed looked back at a twin pair and held for the first time since their encounter "you have no idea how glad i am to see you here" jo mused.

"i don't blame you for saying no" they whispered shortly after, the lump on their throat getting bigger and heavier with each word. "i wasn't thinking straight. and i wasn't fair to you" an admission of guilt joey had pondered over a million times in the past seven years uttered out loud for the first time. "i was in a shitty place, you were the only one thing i had that was always good and i loved you so f—" a pause as they tried to contain the tears threatening to spill.

"i'm sorry for putting you through that, for not being there when you needed me most" even then, joey couldn't regret leaving for mirabella when they did. hadn't they left there was a chance they wouldn't even be standing there at the moment at all to begin with. there were a few things to regret about how that day had gone and everything that happened after yet their biggest regret was how bad of a friend they had been to saffron and how blinded by grief and shame they'd allowed themself to be.

it wasn't quite a promise of picking up right where they had left off, nor a vow to keep the promise they'd made at twenty-one. the joey and the saffron sitting in that café were completely different people to those who had last held onto eachother years prior and keeping those promises wasn't fair to the version of themselves they'd grown up to be. it was, however, the promise of a new beginning and the chance to meet those version that for now were foreign to eachother and, with enough luck maybe bring out some of the versions that once were and even now, all those years and tears later, continued to care deeply and could learn to forgive wounds now scarred.

to try and calm their tale-tell heart joey's eyes briefly looked over to the shop's clock while dropping their hand on the table, an anchor to keep them from descending to madness before looking over at saffron once again in awe. saffron had been breathtakingly beautiful from the moment the two had met. it wasn't truly a surprise that her beauty had only grow in their years apart what was a surprise was the way their own body reacted when it made joey blink rapidly, eyes stinging like looking into the sun for too long.