Its a mad world.

It’s been another year around the sun and you’ve been gone out of my life for most of the year. I’ve written letters upon letters to you, grieving your absence. This past time really felt real and right, but we destroyed it as usual. Or it combusted itself. Regardless, it felt like the last time we could try this thing. We keep growing older and it’s a game for the young. 

I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. I can’t. If I let you into my life in the slightest, it’ll all happen all over again. And I can’t do that. I want you to know I’m doing well. All those things I’ve dreamt about, wishing you were by my side for--they’re coming true. I’m coming into my own and it’s painful and beautiful and wonderful all at the same time. I hope I find something that feels an ounce of what it felt like to be with you, which was fucking fantastic. Cerebral, physical, animal, lovely, incredible. Terrible, awful, dark and twisted. 

Unsustainable, and the most influential relationship of my life. You were my savior and my demon. I will always love you, and not in a dramatic teenager way, but a really pure love. I will always wish the best for you, because I don’t think i’ll ever find a human who could match me the way you do.