Affirm-ace-ions

There are various ways to bring up asexuality and aromanticism in both public and private conversations without it being considered “too much information.” Anyone can discuss their own sexual or romantic identities / relationships in detail that might be too revealing to some, but the fact remains that no sexual or romantic identity is at its core “too much information” and there are ways to have mature context-appropriate conversations about them. 

There are several circumstances where I have had to bring up my asexuality, and I was prompted to do so in most circumstances. It was not a matter of me going around, announcing to complete strangers that I am asexual. It was not a matter of me revealing intimate details about my sex life or lack thereof. It was in circumstances where I deemed it necessary to be open about my identity, or where I felt pressured to talk about who I am.

My mom once asked me “What are you?” after I became defensive of LGBT+ issues. I explained to her that I was asexual. The way she asked seemed condescending to me. She didn’t really understand it, and later on she tried to send me religious videos about how straight relationships are more fulfilling and natural. Yet, at no point was my identity “too much information” for her, she just did not accept asexuality as a 1) straight identity and 2) religiously valued.*

In a Teaching for Social Justice course, a student brought up asexuality as we were discussing LGBT+ issues in the classroom setting and how to address them appropriately. He brought up the study (Prejudice Against “Group X”) that asexual people are often dehumanized and alienated from their peers, so that we could discuss how to be more inclusive in the classroom.** This sparked interest in what asexuality was, and I decided to explain it as an asexual.   

One of my other classmates had further questions about asexuality, so I spoke to them individually about it. At no point was I met with disgust, as I talked about asexuality as an identity similar to other identities in that it deals with attraction. Instead of it being about attraction to other people, it deals with a lack of attraction to other people. Some asexuals might still want to be in a relationship, but the way they feel attraction is still different from their peers. 

In New York State, we have something called The Dignity for All Students Act, or DASA. This act is meant to protect LGBT+ and disabled children from bullying by providing training to new teachers on issues effecting these populations, how to establish safe spaces, and strategies to address bullying. I went through the training, and my trainer brought up asexuality to the class as a valid identity that requires understanding and that asexuals require the same protections.***  

Again, I brought up my asexuality to address questions that had arisen that the trainer may not have been able to answer in depth. I felt okay in doing so because it was a professional environment. Again, no one reacted in disgust. Again, it didn’t require me to bring up intimate details in my personal life. By the end of the training session, the trainer thanked me for being open and willing to discuss asexuality among other issues that were discussed in the class.

In my personal life, my asexuality has come up naturally in conversation. A friend of mine wanted to date me for quite some time which put a strain on our relationship, until he realized or was comfortable coming out as gay. We talked about relationships and how he could set me up with someone. He understood that asexual people sometimes still have romantic relationships, but I told him I was aromantic too. He actually understood that and respected that.**** 

Furthermore, I began identifying as asexual as a young person. The first time I heard “asexuality” was in a sixth grade science class. While the definition was not the same (it was in reference to reproduction), I jokingly referred to myself as asexual because I had no other words to express myself. That being said, despite my peers referring to me (jokingly) as an “amoeba” they also seemed to understand what I meant by “asexual.”***** 

We were already discussing sexual vs. asexual reproduction at that age, at the same time we were all in the beginning stages of puberty. My peers took “Angela is asexual” to mean that Angela doesn’t show interest in other people the way that we (sometimes) do (e.g. “They’re cute,” “I want to marry them,” “I want to have this many children when I grow up” etc.), because that made the most sense at the time. 

Of course, there are many ways to experience asexuality. That could involve expressing one’s asexuality in ways that I do not express my own asexuality. That’s okay. The take-away here is that there are very natural circumstances that arise where asexual people may want to or need to talk about their asexuality. Telling us that it’s too much information, is just a means to deny us the resources and supports we need to thrive.   

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*This is quite funny when considering that anti-asexual rhetoric fights hard to associate asexuality with straightness and paint asexuality as a widely accepted concept in western religion due to it seemingly being “in line” with religious values. Not only do straight people not view asexual people as straight, but religious people often consider asexuality deviant from religious expectation. 

**This is also quite funny as there is significant “debate” going on as to whether or not asexuality is an appropriate topic for school-age children. As we are all educators, we all acknowledged that 1) school-age children may identify as asexual early on and 2) there are various ways to discuss it in terms that aren’t overtly sexual and 3) we need to find ways to accommodate them. 

***This is also quite funny as anti-asexual rhetoric aims to treat asexuality as a privileged group with no inherent issues when education initiative include asexuality as an identity that needs to be understood and asexual people as a population that needs to be protected in educational settings the same way that LGBT+ people are protected. DASA recognizes asexuals can be harmed. 

****This as well is quite funny as anti-asexual rhetoric seems to pit LGBT+ people against asexual people, when I have experienced the most empathetic reactions to my identity from people who are within the LGBT+ community. Yes, intercommunity issues exist. However, we are also each other’s greatest support system and I am forever grateful for my LGBT+ friends. 

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