you're not supposed to be here

Feb. 20, 2022 —

i’m single now. life has never been better for me. i found new friends, i’m bronze 2 now in valorant. i’m socializing more, trying out new restaurants, eating more. i cut my hair really short - probably the shortest haircut i’ve ever had. i’ve been smiling more, spending more time outside (i hate staying in my room). i’ve tried bumble and tinder (met cute, boring people). i’m talking to a bunch of guys which I stopped talking to after a week. 

there’s this one guy however who’s giving me weird feelings. weird in a positive way, maybe. he’s really nice and it feels like if i give him a chance, he’ll take really good care of me. we could talk for hours and he’ll never run out of topics. he’s really good in valorant. he’s so nice with my friends. he’s gentle but so loud at the same time. he listens to me, asks me things, makes sure i feel heard and cared for and loved. but i kept on pushing him away because i can’t commit to anyone like i don’t want to feel like i’m connected to someone. yet. just want to be alone for now. probably ‘cause i got exhausted from the 5 years and a half relationship that i just need more time for myself.

i like how i don’t feel the need to be with someone, to talk to someone. i’m just okay on my own. i don’t look or go after people just to not feel alone so i know i’m not using anyone to heal. i like this growth i’m going through i think there are moments in life where we need to experience the bad to appreciate the good things, to learn from it and be a better person.

yes, i still feel like there’s something missing in my life - and i know what that is - but right now is not the right time for that. i don’t wanna go to bed thinking about someone unless the thoughts are gonna make me happy. basically i just don’t want an unhappy relationship. so to whoever is gonna be my next, let’s be friends. really good friends. let’s go out and talk ang hangout and not rush things.

I want to be cared for the way that I deserve. Hindi paulit ulit na sinasabi. Totoo nga na the way a person acts shows how they really feel about you. I don’t want to believe na just because a relationship is already in a long-term state doesn’t mean it has to be stagnant. Sobrang daming pwedeng pag-usapan and if wala na, you can just tease each other.

2 days ng ito lang pinapakinggan ‘ko tapos every time na yung lyrics “eh ano naman kung ilang oras ang masayang..” super kilig ko HUHU wala naman ako kakikiligan pero this song shet ang sarap naman kiligen parang years na lungkot alam ‘kong emotion

Anyway life update; just bought my own desktop computer with my own MONEY!!! My bank account hates me now but I’ve been wanting to upgrade my 10-year old macbook into either new laptop or a desktop computer but since I wanna play games too, I’m now a windows 10 person and can finally relate to windows memes. I know if I prolong that decision I won’t push through eventually. I remember not getting enough sleep for 3-4 days, just researching what specs and design to request and which shop to buy from. And that moment where I finally paid the downpayment?? I’m glad that’s over. So hassle the last week but I’m happy my baby’s working well so far.